I set screens up between myself and others, it's a habit. The less I know about a person, or the more defensive I become, the more screens I set between myself and others. I set different screens around different people. They're... Metaphorical of course. But I carry them with me in my mind. Through the self-imposed isolation, they've accumulated... And I've managed to build a fragile paper fortress. It'll only take a single strike to break everything, a single, well-imposed strike. But it seems no one cares enough to know me to break it.
And it seems, since my best friend has become sick, I've thought of myself as a curse, and have set up more screens. I'm practically friendless at school, but too headstrong to admit it. I like the loneliness. I just need to hammer it into my mind, until it slowly becomes the truth. Talking has become painful to do. I'd rather just sit at home and type my woes away. It seems so much more natural. And I needn't stutter, or say something, only to pretend I didn't.
And, I've given up hope. It doesn't matter if others can't tell that I am. And it doesn't hurt anymore when people say, "don't talk to her," in the hallways, or when others ignore my shy greetings. I've accepted it as my fate. Hopefully, after becoming fully mute, fate will be kind enough to not take anything more away from me.
I don't know where this shyness started, and likewise, I haven't a clue of where it will end. Maybe I'll be happier this way.
Fuzzies Fuzzies
61-65, M
Apr 9, 2012