Chained By My Own Mind

I actually figured that I was pansexual quite easily. I was attracted to girls so I figured I was lesbian, but I realized I was still attracted to men so I figured I was bisexual. And then I fell in love for the first time with a friend of mine- who was a genderless, intersexed person. While I never acted on that love, it got me thinking about why it was only societally acceptable (where I'm from, actually that's not really acceptable either. welcome to small towns in missouri) to like either guys or girls. A whole slew of other questions came with that idea. What constitutes a gender versus a sex? why are there such societal restraints attached to gender and sex? I mean, I had always been that odd kid who got wore my brother's clothing, sitting on the porch whitting a bow and arrow to go shoot pencils at the birds at the walmart parking lot. But no matter how boyish I got I still wore lipgloss and dangly earings. Even now, I may have my makeup and hair done and look girly (I may even wear a dress) but chances are I'm probably wearing boxers, pants, and my dad's combat boots under that dress. Even so, I had a right to love as does everyone. And while I may have no chance with most of them, there is nothing wrong if I get attracted to gay men, straight women, drag queens, transexuals, intersexed, and anyone else that I feel like. While I can't say it's that I am attracted to them despite the sex and gender as much as I am attracted to them gender, sex, and all... It's kinda hard to explain

Basically after a whole ton of self disscussion, I very easily accepted myself and the idea that I am obviously pansexual. What I could not accept though, was the idea that I could find someone to love me in my entirety as I had decided I would not date someone and hide that. Actually I have a bigger problem than that, and it is the fact that as far as this story goes While I accept myself I have this rediculous idea that no one else will. I can't tell my family, for a myriad of reasons, simply put I somehow in my mind, decided I would never tell them. And I am much too conscious to tell someone when I am not anonymous. And that is where EP plays it's part. In fact this is the first time I have written this down or have told anybody. I'm hoping somewhere along the line I'll get the balls to tell someone in real life...

Sweet jeezus, after re-reading the last section, I'm a freaking mess
MaskedSolitude MaskedSolitude
18-21, F
4 Responses Sep 19, 2012

well written...well said

I feel the exact same way, thank you for writing, truly

There are people out there that will except you, it's a little cliche but all you have to do is find them.

This is so touching and personal, and I really identify with the way you see your sexual orientation. Thanks for sharing your story and I hope that being open in 'real life' becomes easier for you. :)