It Is What It Is...

The truth is, paranoia stems from the lack of trust I have with people on a whole. Constantly seeing the blatant dishonestly and unjust that people are willing to do to each other. Especially seeing the amount of effort that people are will to go through to make negative energy happen. This is what upsets me the most. The effort. Knowing fully well that you are doing something to negatively impact another human being.

This "thing" has grown into not only questioning people but society in general. I tend to stay away from large crowds and keep to myself when I have to deal with it. My paranoia has heightened to the point that I can't even have a stranger walk behind me without feeling the beginnings of panic attack. I literally stop and wait for the person to pass. When I hear people talking quietly, it makes me wonder all the time. Not necessarily about me but what could happen next.

I dislike being paranoid. I hate having to question everything; everyone. It annoys me and it's tiring. I feels as though it makes me rather selfish in my way of thinking and I personally find it a turn off. I wish I could just accept people as is but with the majority being the way they are, it's hard. The few people I trust enough, I worry that someone is doing something to them. Though it's weird, with others, I am usually right. Which in turn, makes me more paranoid. Ugh!

I want to change because I feel like it impacts the relationships I have with people. I could be closer and more open. Show my feelings more, share my thoughts more without thinking someone is going to use it for something. Some how set me up to be a failure or a fool. I am trying to start seeing the other side of the coin with a few things but it's a work in a progress. However until I fully over come it, I will continue to sleep with one eye open.
ollifer ollifer
36-40, F
Jul 15, 2010