Especially When I'm Stoned

It's not about the government, or secret societies ruling the world. It's about the people around me. I'm paranoid that they hate me, that they know secret things about me, that they talk about me constantly behind my back. That they plot against me...

Which is ridiculous, right? People don't plot. People barely even talk.

Still, it's a hard feeling to shake. When I get like this, I can never be sure if what I'm seeing is real. The feeling spirals out of control until I start to think that every conversation is about me, the songs on the radio have hidden meanings directed at me, I'm looking at everything on a screen. The whole ******* world is watching and judging. I've died and gone to hell. It's only what I deserve.

At that point it just becomes comical. I don't really believe any of it, but I have no evidence to refute it. So I just float through it, laughing at myself for having such a ridiculously ****** up mind, and laughing at everybody else for the hate they probably don't actually feel.

Soon enough, it goes away.

P.S. I don't get stoned anymore, incidentally, but when I did, it was like a weeks worth of the above condensed into a couple of hours.
noisefilter noisefilter
22-25, M
16 Responses Jul 29, 2007

This is exactly the same for me.. I'm feeling it now and i wanted to search to see if anyone else felt the same way as I do.. I feel like I can't trust anyone when they speak cause I think it's got to do with me some how and everyone is in on a secret to laugh at me behind my back.. ****** up or what hahaha!!!?!??

i went to sign up so i could say i 100% am the same, turns out i was already a member, if i was stoned Gezzzz, i'd be havin some sorta breakdown by now. but i have a question to the original post, do you have guilt for some reason, it may only b e expressed when stoned, possibley first realised when stoned. i think this is why i get that way. for me i think the path to insanity started when i realised i was guilty, then my guilt manifested into low self esteem, and its the low self esteem that creates these issues. <br />
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anyway im off to count red cars and drink cactus

life isnt revolving around you.. think about the time and people..they are all enjoying the high.. you dont have to necessarily talk..just listen and sit back and enjoy the music and high..get a diary and pen down your thoughts..you would be surprised to know how magically your brain works

yea i feel like people are always making fun of me or criticizng me. When I hear people laugh, I think they are laughing at me

i 100% relate sometimes I attract unwanted attention and odd looks because of my paranoid thoughts, its 5am and i cant be arsed to write much..but i relate

It is <i>my</i> story, actually. <i>I</i> wrote it about <i>my</i> experiences, and I have the right, and ability, to keep the comments on-topic if I choose to do so. There are plenty of fora in which yourself, machinegunmomma, GnosticShaman and the rest can discuss the vagaries of your perceptions that don't generate an email to me each time, forcing me to read your drivel.<br />
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Your definition of science is entirely superfluous. I already provided a definition of science, and yours does not add anything to it. Your statement that it doesn't have to be passed down is particularly disingenuous, since nobody made that claim. And as to it's purpose? Surely the purpose of science is to increase our knowledge? Seems like a great purpose to me, regardless of the area of study...<br />
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If you think that it is necessary to monitor somebody's mind in order to determine their "level of ob<x>jectivity" before it is possible to evaluate their claims then I'm afraid that you have misunderstood the concept of ob<x>jectivity. It is the truth of the ideas presented that demonstrate the ob<x>jectivity of the speaker, not the ob<x>jectivity of the speaker that imbues his ideas with truth. This "scientist", GnosticShaman, not only failed to make any ob<x>jectively falsifiable claims, he barely managed to make a coherent claim of any kind. He presented no evidence to support the conclusions of his "life's work". Even his explanation of the etymology of the first part of his name was off (something which is trivial to verify these days), and that was largely the basis of his "argument"! I see no reason to take such an individual seriously. I mean look at this:<br />
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"That force is Consciousness made up of Light. Quantum Physics/String Theory. That Consciousness is actually you."<br />
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He's just stringing random **** together!<br />
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Look at this: "so I seek out others who "feel" the ways I "feel", or "think" the way I "think""<br />
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This guy doesn't seem all that confident that what he does constitutes thought, yet I'm supposed to believe that his conclusions are rational?<br />
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I can't really take your claim that you are a skeptic seriously either, because rather than addressing the things I actually said, you chose personal insults as your primary form of argument. "True", "think out the box" skeptics know that that kind of **** doesn't fly.

I love how you people have turned my story about how my mind frequently deceives me into a forum for discussing all the crazy things you believe and why you should trust your perceptions unquestioningly.<br />
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@ptpk Your experience was a perfectly normal one to have under the influence of cannabis. There were two people present who you didn't like and didn't trust. You would no doubt have been apprehensive and suspicious of them even without drugs being involved. Under the influence, your mind amplified these emotions and caused you to misinterpret what you were perceiving. You are not going crazy, but what you thought these people were saying about you WAS all in your head. They were not hiding behind cars talking about you, when they left I'm sure they just went home, or to some other friends house, or whatever. Think about it: what do you like to do when you're stoned? Lurk around in the dark waiting for people you dislike to be alone so that you can whisper about every move they're making? Is that something anybody has ever suggested to you might be a fun prank to play? I can think of few things less fun to do when stoned. No, I'm sure you prefer to lounge around in comfort playing video games or watching movies, eating or spacing out listening to music, and that is almost certainly what those two guys like to do as well, and almost certainly what they went and did. Cannabis is a much more powerful hallucinogen than it is usually billed as, and these kind of experiences are not uncommon. I have experienced similar things many times myself. You are not going crazy, you were JUST ON DRUGS. They seem to have a negative effect on you, so I suggest you get off them before you do some permanent damage to yourself.<br />
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@GnosticShaman I find your claim to be a "scientist of sorts" suspect at best. First of all, you either apply the scientific method or you do not. The only thing "modifying" it can mean is that you are dismissing observations that do not fit your foregone conclusion, or drawing conclusions based on insufficient evidence, or some other such thing that would turn the scientific method into the not-scientific method, and yourself into a not-scientist.<br />
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Secondly, scientists use rational thought and controlled experiment to build upon the conclusions drawn by generations of fellow scientists and increase humanity's knowledge of the world in a way that can be ob<x>jectively verified by any other person with the intellectual capacity to understand said knowledge and the will to put the work in. You, at best, are applying rational thought and experimentation to increasing your knowledge of your own perceptions. As you are essentially the subject of your own observations, you really have no way of controlling for your own cognitive biases. You are entitled to explore your spiritual beliefs in any way you see fit, and even to devote your life to them, but please don't pretend that what you're doing is science.<br />
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Finally, gnosis does not mean "to know from experience". It is a noun, not a verb, so it is not "to" anything. It is certainly not "knowledge from experience" either. Optimistically it refers to knowledge of spiritual matters received from intuition, through contemplation, meditation or revelation, though in most gnostic religions I believe the "gnosis" was actually passed down by an enlightened inner circle to a select few disciples, such as by Jesus to the apostles and on to their successors. Don't worry, I believe you when you say you are a gnostic, because your knowledge of being watched is intuitive, not rational.<br />
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The bloody red car: It is really not clear to me what is being suggested by this. Is it that because you've bought something, the prevalence of that thing in the world somehow increases? You bought it, so everybody rushed out to imitate you? Is the suggestion that mysterious forces are placing red cars in your field of vision just to **** with your head? Isn't it in fact much more likely that because you have just bought it, are experiencing the post-purchase thrill of pleasure, obsessing over your lovely shiny red beauty sitting in the driveway, that when you take it out for a spin, the cars that are similar to the one you're obsessing about stand out from the ones that are not because they have a special relevance to you? Isn't it much, much more likely that it is not the universe that changes after you buy the car, but yourself? Or is it just "woah dude, coincidence"? Because that's just asinine.<br />
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Any further commenters who feel that GnosticShaman and machinegunmomma have some special insight into the nature of the universe, please take the discussion to their respective inboxes as GnosticShaman has suggested. Any further comments that are not related to my story will be deleted.

If you wish to contact me, leave me a message in my inbox.

I notice we have a few more posts. There is more info if you just look hard enough.

I just signed up because of machinegunmomma and gnosticshaman.. i just recently started feeling this way about things, paranoid about everyone.. <br />
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i was getting high with 2 friends, they invited 2 other people too, and i never really got along with them.. so we were smoking it and whatever.. afterwards i thought i heard the 2 people talking about me.. talking about things i was doing, every move i made they made fun of me.. i got really sketched and paranoid and they were saying i was f***ed up and stuff. So after they left i asked my friends what they were talking about and they said it just sounded gibberish to them.. so i started thinking maybe it's all in my head and they didn't actually say anything about me at all, i just think it..<br />
i was waiting in the car for my friend to come back, alone.. and then i was sitting there and i was almost sure i heard them talking about me again, every move i made they laughed at it.. i thought maybe they were outside, behind the car, behind another car, around the corner of the building.. i looked around and they werent there, but i was sure i heard something... then i kept seeing, in the corner of my eye, sometimes dark shadows or sometimes light going by. i dont know what it is, it makes me think i'm going insane... <br />
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machinegunmomma i've felt those things, bought a car and now i notice the same car everywhere.. i feel like i understand things that other people dont.. i didnt think anyone else felt like this and what GnosticShaman said really made me think...

I singed up because of machinegunmomma and gnosticshaman. Please get a hold of me. I read this and could and I felt something I had never made a complete connection to until now..

I know exactly what your talking about i wish i hadn't smoked so much weed now... feels like the truman show sometimes

Hello to the 5 posters so far and to any others that may be reading and fearing to post as not to draw attention. <br />
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I too have been thru all this since childhood. Walking to school in first grade i remember thinking that I was being watched...I mention this only to show that at least as early as 6yrs old I've had these feelings, I am now 35. I have been experiencing the "Watchers" all my life, not just in retrospec but from min to min, each moment, all my life. I used to think I was crazy. I used to think a great many things about it, aliens, gov't, god, etc... so I seek out others who "feel" the ways I "feel", or "think" the way I "think" and I do this in person...well usually. The process is slow and the event is rare in which I find someone close to what I deem "similar" to myself or at least close in experiencing what I experience. The only reason I am responding to this here, is because of Machinegunmom. I will explain further later.<br />
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I am a amature scientist of sorts. What I mean to say is that I use the Scientific Method to solve problems. I modify it sometimes when I run up against a wall, so I cannot "publish a paper" or anything like that. I have no degree in anything that one could learn at a university. I could have, should have had that degree but I don't and won't. Long story so we won't get into that. My point is that I have been investigating this feeling of "being watched" for about 2 decades. It's my life's work in a way. <br />
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So that's a little bit about me and now here's what I have to say about this:<br />
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I find most people do not have this experience or at least will never admit to it. I used to think I was alone in all this. Now I know different. Most who come to this post by searching "paranoid/being watched" most likely will have never heard what I'm about to explain. As my username suggests I am a Gnostic and also a Shaman. Since most of you have not heard of this or at most have been misinformed about these two "titles" I will briefly explain. First of all I'll explain the words Gnostic and Shaman. Gnostic is from the ancient Greek word Gnosis which means "to know by experience". It is where we in English get the word Know. It is pronounced with a silent G just like the silent K for the word "know". They sound the same. Gno sounds exactly like Know. Gnosis is pronounced as "NO SIS". To know by experience. Shaman is basically a person who has knowledge about the physical and spiritual world and uses it to their advantage. The advantage could be positive or negative to all those involved much like the concept of a "good witch" or a "bad witch". A Shaman is a person who uses knowledge to effect a change in the environment for either a good or bad purpose. Another way (a misleading one) to see the Shaman is as a "medicine man/woman" from tribal cultures. Most of you were taught that we in the modern western world have a better understanding of the universe than ancient cultures and we need no medicine man/woman cause we have science and medicine, ie; doctors and hospitals. Folks, those "doctors" are in fact modern Shaman, as well as Scientists, engineers, artists, etc... Traditionally Shaman have used plants to heal their culture/tribe of physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental problems. In other words the Shaman uses plants for good or evil intentions. The Gnostic (The knower by experience) is a Shaman but the Shaman is not always a Gnostic. There is also a religion called Gnosticism. Just google it. I am both of these, a Gnostic and a Shaman. This is important to know because it is directly related to what I have to say about being watched. <br />
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I believe machinegunmomma is a natural born Shaman as am I. It is also likely that if you have a feeling of being watched by some "invisible force", then you may be a Shaman as well. A small percentage of us are naturally born into the human population. Our purpose is to analyze our environment for maintenance and to make adjustments as needed. We are the Social Engineers of the natural order. The feeling of being watched comes in here. Some "force" outside and inside of us controls the natural order of things. That force is Consciousness made up of Light. Quantum Physics/String Theory. That Consciousness is actually you. It is you and it is me and it is everyone else. It is our Collective Consciousness. It is our Collective Consciousness that controls all in this universe. It is the force that created the material cosmos and it is that force, that Collective Consciousness that is "WATCHING" you. You are watching yourself and everyone else is watching themselves. We all are being watched by ourselves every moment of every day. Your "higher" Consciousness is "watching" your "lower" consciousness right now and always has. Now, this happens to everyone all the time and they never know it. They never notice it happening. They are not aware of it. They can be made aware of it, usually through some tragedy or hardship, but mostly they never know of it until death. It is us, that "scattered few" that notice it that are the natural Shamen. We are the ones who notice this "watching" and we are aware of the "higher consciousness". Out of all of us who are aware of it, only a small percentage of us will ever naturally raise the consciousness of the mind to do anything with it. Most of us will think it's our neighbor, our gov't, ghosts, or even some may even think its angels or God. Historically only the few who came to the full consciousness awareness were called Shaman and were usually the leader of the tribe. This goes for all cultures of Earth from the ancient Chinese to the the modern Native Americans, from the ancient Maya to the modern Bantu, from the modern Inuit (Eskimo) to the ancient Europeans. Every Person on Earth can trace their ancestry to this tribal arrangement. This tribal arrangement was put into place by the collective consciousness. It goes on as it has for tens of thousands of years. Even right here in The United States. <br />
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How being stoned enters in. For Tens of Thousands of Years Shamen have used plants to alter their consciousness in order to "contact" this "higher" consciousness. For Tens of thousands of years people! All of holidays we celebrate are variations of Shamanic rituals designed to pass this knowledge (Gnosis) from generation to generation. Until very recently (1,600 years ago) the western world still practiced these rites/rituals. Then the Roman Church outlawed these practices and we became lost. I am saying WHEN YOU SMOKE POT you alter your consciousness and become aware of the collective consciousness. This is unsettling at first to us "natural" shaman and we become paranoid. We become aware of the "watching". After many times you will become used to it and it either drives you nuts or you give in to the ultimate reality and realize you are in fact "special". Special because you are chosen to see into the "spirit-world". With the right knowledge you can interpret what you are seeing/feeling and become enlightened. When this happens you become a Shamanic Elder. This also parallels Gnostic thought. You can find parallels in all the religions and given the right knowledge you can control a great many things. <br />
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So yes, a "sleeping giant" is a neat metaphor for awakening to the larger picture of what is actually going on in life. First you must "Know Yourself" and "Wake Up" from your slumber. We can no longer afford to Ignore our heritage and the Truth. I call to all those who are now awake to gather because the time is short and the harvest is massive. We the scattered few must gather and unite. We are nearing the end of the Great Cycle and its new beginning. <br />
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I will check back from time to time. <br />
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Hcone

He he, not liking to be insulted sounds like drug paranoia to me. Like when you're stoned it seems like they really really mean it, even though they're just joking. Or not trying to insult you at all...<br />
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I'm glad the existence of the plot isn't so ridiculous anyway :)

I don't get parinoid when I'm stoned, I just really don't liek to be insulted. However, when I'm not there seems to be some sort of plot out there, just like you mentioned.

You know, I am the exact same way.