Living In A Negative Life

I am a living proof of thinking negatively, I am so wrapped up with my feelings and dozens of book i read about being positive but to no avail, every single day, there's always something i tend to get negative about.

I dont know whether it was the past experience but let me share with all of you who can relate to this.
When i was a teenager, i was feeling depressed because i felt different with the rest of the my guys friends, because i was gay, hence i couldnt really bonding with them, so i felt lonely inside,
and most of my closed friends are female.

Yes these girls are really nice and caring but still i feel angry and bitter about my life because i really want to be like the rest of the guys, but i just cant relate to them so much except a certain topics.

And i hate being this GUY who friends with girls, it made me feel like i'm less than a man, and i felt like im not manly enough. And i hate the way my emotions are, when i share with my female friends, they claimed my emotions are skewed to woman, Urgh, thats another thing i hate it.

I felt like this is the repecurssion of being GAY.

So throughout my entire highschool life, i was struggling to fit in, i wanted to feel belong, i wanted to feel like im somebody, cool . But it did not, i have trouble making friends with the guy, so i ended alone most of the time or ill be mixing around with the girls. Thats the only way i can cope to entertainment myself when i was in highschool. I still remember , i would feel so sad when i see the guys bonding in a group, having their own jokes and im just this gay stupid guy who's struggling CONSTANTLY to survive each day.

Luckily i did not let my studies affected cause i kept telling myself, one day when i grow up ill be successful and i'll be somebody. So thats what i thought.

Moving on to college life, it was more or less the same, i couldnt get bonding with the guys, because most of them are typical footballer kind of type, So I have nothing much in common, and i always ended up in a library. I have friends though but they are pretty nerdy, so i felt like a loser in a way.

Each day passing, i felt depressed and the constant loneliness surrounding me, and i started to look for a partner. I tried social dating sites but i have not met anyone who is my type.

I hate it so much, because all my peers are having relationship, and here i am struggling to make myself feel happy.Urgh...

Basically i was struggling to cope with life from the age i reached my puberty which is 13 until 27 years old.
I always envied with the rest, i always feels like my life could have turn way better if i wasnt born gay.
I hate how my life was.

Now im entered into adulthood, and i remembered how sucks my life was when i entered into working force. Everyday was a bloody routine, nothing to look forward during weekend.
Just hanging out with some close friends, which my close friends have other friends besides me, so whenever they arent available, i would try to entertain myself going to swim, golfing ALONE.

I tried picking up reading, but after a while, i got bored with the routine, i got bored hanging out with my friends occasionally doing the same thing, like having dinner and the go back home.
I am always stressed out, i cant stand being bored.

Sometimes when i lost control my emotions, i would just smoked until i felt so weak and sleep.

Recently, i met someone, and we started dating, during the process of dating, i was stressed out as well because i kept thinking about him and again i was stressed out.
Now we are in a relationship, i am happy i think but i still can't help being negative, i became clingy and always wanted his attention. Sometimes when i come back to my senses, i felt sorry to my partner, because he has to accommodate to my feelings.

I felt disgusted about myself, i tried to be grateful, and i tried to think positive, but now i felt its hard for me to be optimistic, Im always in a constant verge of losing.

I noticed, every day i have something to be stressed out, like now, im in a relationship,i get annoyed if my partner wants his space, i get annoyed if he doesnt want go lunch with me, i felt angry with everything.

I seriously suffers from my negative thinking, but i dont know how make peace with myself and just live without constantly feeling uptight.

I know all the consequences about reacting to my emotions but i j ust can't stay calm and relax and just living life. And believe me i tried to be positive for the rest of my life and i m just sick of tired with everything.
Im tired feeling like I need my partner around to be okay, i just dont understand why i can't just be OKAY when his not around. I dont understand why i get so wrapped up when things does not go my way. I get all resent and angry and throw tantrum like a 3 year old kid.

I am seriously a gone case am i?
iblogaboutlove iblogaboutlove
26-30, M
Dec 15, 2012