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Couldnt Have My Heart Broken In A Better Way

Hello everybody let me introduce you to my friend... we'll just go with L....

I met him when i was still married, and over time we became REALLY good friends. Before long i was talking to him all the time, about the things that were going on in my life, good and bad... and then i fell in love. It was good, he understood i was married and had no interest in an affair, it was just another angle of friendship. Of course, if either one of us could step outside the universe we would have met and probably done some things... but it was really just one of those fantasies...

wait.. thats not fair, not completely honest. When i met L i didnt believe i could ever be in love again. I had married out of a sense of defeat. I though that i couldnt risk the waters anymore, and found a safe reliable man to be with. So i could settle down, have a family worry about the rest of my life... when i fell in love again it was earth shattering, not because i wanted to get up and leave my husband for this boy i knew on the internet but because i realized that it was indeed worth the risk.

learning that ended my marriage, but i didnt run off to be with him, we werent like that... it was very poly no-strings kinda thing, and i needed to rebuild my life... find out what makes ME happy. So i did.. and so i reconnected with my sadist and things happened. L and i were/are still very close- but he lives on the other side of the planet.

Soo.. he met somebody. I like her, she's not demanding, she wasnt clawing for attention and she was/is willing to be friends with me.
and he's decided that HE wants to give being exclusive a go... she didnt push it on him..

and im happy for him, we taught each other about love all over again... but at the same time my heart is kinda broken for all the lost opportunities.. and i know im going to be aching talking to him and her talking to her about him and him about her... and all i can do is embrace the pain because it makes him happy...

thats what it is... "we took each other higher, then we set each other free"


and really, as sad as i am sometimes about it- thats what my kind of poly is all about....

here's to trying to maintain a new old friendship...
Shierke Shierke 26-30, F 7 Responses Sep 29, 2010

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Just keep working on making yourself irresistible to him until he realizes that he needs you both.

You are a truly generous person...

:o) Good on you!

i like the house analogy and appreciate the thought. <br />
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I think i'm doing well all things considered pushing on with what i do in my life. building and growing with my "primary" (for lack of a better term)<br />
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supporting him in his relationship and struggle which includes being brutally honest with him at times.... :-)

"as he tries to navigate the difficult world of monogamy with the needs of a pansexual polyamorus boy.."<br />
- Whoaaah nellie, that's going to be a spectacular crash and burn if that is true. Does this guy know what NRE is and the effect it has on our behaviors?? That's (N)ew (R)elationship (E)nergy if you didn't know. Have you guys discussed this aspect of relationships?<br />
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"I've talked about what him perusing monogamy has done to my heart, that while im happy he finds it worth the risk, im very sad for me... and that im doing the best that i can. "<br />
- That is just the best we can do, hope for the best for the people we love. AND, continue to nurture our hurting heart all the while. Do continue to do things that make you feel happy and joyous, it will help the hurt feeling. <br />
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" I'm afraid she will be jealous of how close we are and try to take it away."<br />
- If he values your relationship it is for him to set boundaries around what he and his 'girlfriend' will discuss about you. Then you have to have faith in him about that; it's his decision, what will happen there. She may TRY to sabotage your relationship but that can't happen unless HE permits it. <br />
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Best thing I just read- <br />
"I use the analogy of a house with many rooms. Once someone has entered My heart, they are given a room. Its theirs. They cant occupy another, nor can another person occupy their room. no matter what happens in that relationship, that room belongs to her and her alone. I think you need to understand that your "room" is unique. Its yours and time and growth have proven that. Others may get their space, but they will never have yours...nor could you have theirs." IanBlack on fetlife.com<br />
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Yes Shierke, hella complex; I agree completely :o)<br />
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O.D.

Funny thing is, i think i talk to him twice as much now, as he tries to navigate the difficult world of monogamy with the needs of a pansexual polyamorus boy... I do what i can, especially all that he really wants to know is that i will still love him if he misses everything up. And i will.<br />
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I've talked about what him perusing monogamy has done to my heart, that while im happy he finds it worth the risk, im very sad for me... and that im doing the best that i can. <br />
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I am afraid though, that if/when they move in together everything will change.... again. I'm afraid she will be jealous of how close we are and try to take it away. But in this i just have to hope and trust that he wont ditch me. I would never encourage him to do anything so silly as cheat and i only have his best interests at heart.... <br />
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ahh soo complex.

Ah luv, you just described my first poly situation. I actually felt devastated when my love interest choose to pursue monogamy. Now we are now friends that still share our passions with each other; we just don't share that romantic passion. Tell your new 'friend' how you feel; that is part of being friends :o)<br />
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It is how I view my style of poly somewhat, "we took each other higher" that part feels right to me. AND, sometimes the partners choose not to maintain a romantic relationship with us; that is just the way the cookie crumbles. And love continues, in its myriad of ways :o)