Just A Teen.

I'm only a teenager, so you guys probably wont take me very seriously but that's okay with me. I'm hoping someone who reads this can look past the fact that I am only sixteen and see my story and questions as real, and not just a 'sex thing'.

I am polyamorous.

I'm not in a relationship with anybody now, and I never really have been, but I love the idea.

I've only told one of my friends and the first thing she asked me was if it was about sex.

I told her no, its not.

I think it spawns off of the fact that 1) my parents spit when I was very young and neither of them ever had a 'normal' relationship with anybody else. 2) I just want to be able to love (note, not make love, just love) two people at the same time. I want to be able to feel the flow of love between the people in the group as we hold hands or cuddle. 3) I just love the idea.

So, I'm posting this not only to tell my story, but to ask some questions. And I'm hoping someone will take the time to respond to them.

1- Did any of you know you were polyamorous when you were teenagers?
2- How did you find out?
3- How do you meet other polyamorous people?
4-What are some terms I should know when (and if) I bring this up with my other friends.
5-How did you tell your parents?!
6-Is it hard to be polyamorous?

Thanks for reading this. Hopefully you didn't/don't just dismiss this because I'm only a teenager.
Godzillaisdamn Godzillaisdamn
18-21, F
17 Responses Jun 6, 2011

I know this post is old, buuut...
1-I've known I was poly since i was eleven years old. I didn't know the name of the concept, but every time i had imagined me in a relationship some years down the road, it was always at least a triad or more. (Or at the very, very least i always imagined it to be open.)

2-When i was with my second girlfriend, i began to have a crush on one of my guy friends. I had looked up on google if it was okay to love both despite society (because who do you go to in real life for these kinds of things?!) and that's how i learned what polyamory was. I never asked him out, as i discovered it wasn't a serious crush, but it turns out my girlfriend had a long-term crush on one of our other mutual friends, so she loved the idea and that i completely supported her asking him out.

3-The internet, of course! Most of the poly people i have met have either been on tumblr or EP. (I live in the bible belt and don't have my driver's license yet, so it's not like i could go to poly meetups. Even if i could, i won't go without my girlfriend and we're LDR.)

4-I'd keep away from terminology and try to explain it as you define it. Some people jump right to 'polygamous' when they hear 'polyamarous', and that's when the assumptions begin. I like to start with "I'm in open relationships. Yes. Ship/S/." (Since it seems like everyone already knows what open means anyways, but with less judgement) or "Hey, did you know you can be with one person at a time without cheating/jealousy (sometimes) and all of them can be friends? Hear me out."

5- When I first told my mom, it was about fictional characters in a book i was working on. Not me. Giving a perspective that it's a thing that other people do, that it really happens, and that it's not (necessarily) you right off the bat can go much better than just dropping the whole "Hey mom(s), dad(s), i'm a polyamorist" bomb without time to process the idea.Present the idea and give them time to think. It could be a little bumpy, because most parents look at their child when they are a baby and go "Awwwwe, they're gonna be so successful, and have one spouse, maybe a few kids, and their college will go sooo well..." and things like that. Most parents assume their baby will be cis, or straight, or just plain old popular, and sometimes they're just not. It must take a while to adjust when you've expected otherwise for so long.

6- I don't think it's hard to be poly. There is problems with judgement from the outside, and it's almost impossible to find valentines and cards that don't say things like "you're the only one" and there's no his-hers gifts with poly equivalents unless you have them customized, but it's really not that bad. If you don't mind the words of other people, everything will be just fine. After all, you get to share your love with wonderful people.

Hey I'm only 17, my boyfriend is 19 and my girlfriend is 16.
1. And 2.Yeah but I only knew when I started exploring open relationships with my boyfriend.
3.within my friend group everyone was pretty open minded so one thing led to other with my close friends.
4.just force on the love part. I think once you are in a poly relationship you'll need to learn a whole new set of terms.
5.I havent. Coming from an Indian background its not the best idea.it would also mean I would have to come out the closet too.
6.I think so. There is so much communication it can drain you. Perks are better tho, so much love and awesome sex as well as a refere when a couple get into a fight.

I know I am late but thank you for posting this. being young and poly is fairly lonely. Good luck for future relationships

1. Yes, when I was 16 I learned the term. Before then I just "ok with having a cheating boyfriend, as long as I know and he still loves me".
2. Lindsey Doe, Sexplanations on YouTube. She introduced the word, and now I'm obsessed with MoreThanTwo.com
3. Talk about it. My boyfriend just happened to mention it around a new friend and the friend said "Oh, my girlfriend's like that". Also, penpal me. That would be fantastic.
4. Terms? Consensual, open, "non-exclusive" may be helpful, and compersion, my new favorite word, is the feeling of joy you get when a partner find happiness with another partner (your metamour, partner's partner.) See morethantwo.com for a glossary
5. I didn't. I have a boyfriend and a "male friend". I'm planning to just mention it do my dad. "Have you heard of this? This is what it is. I am that."
6. It is not! It may be hard to find partners, but it'll get easier when you get older and become a larger part of the poly community.

mate am 18 never had girlfriend i think i am too Polyamorous i all ways been happy with two girls

You're just a 15 year old and there are adults on here who have orgies with others. You should not be on here talking about this. Something seems really eerie about this. If anyone contacts you please call the police immediately. As a parental figure, I find this very alarming that underage adults are talking about sexual relations with multiple partners yet many others on here are adults who engage in orgies. This is sick!

How do we know that the people on here are just teenagers? What if they are older and just pretending to be teens? I'd be very careful. This doesn't seem normal. I am a concerned parental figure. I want to make everyone alert to the fact that predators could be on boards like that and to make sure to never give out any contact information or meet up with anyone on these boards.

I'm a teenager, 15 years old, but I only just started thinking about polyamory for myself. My mother is polyamorous, and is very open about many things, so it's easy to talk to her.

One thing I'm worried/confused about is that I'm in a relationship with a guy, he's my boyfriend, and I found out a girl that I had a crush on, also liked me. I've been doing some research about polyamory, and the people that are writing about it, their own personal stories, they are adults and there are many more aspects of it than what I, as a teenager, can do.

I'm very confused as to if it's a good idea if I should even try it. I want to, because I really like both of them, and I don't want to lose one in order to have the other. I've talked to both of them, and they are willing to try, but I want to make sure I know what I'm doing before I drag them into this, completely ignorant.

I know this post is like way old, but yours is the only story about another teen Poly I can find. Do you want to talk? I think it would be really cool to be friends with someone else who is Polyamorous

I know this post is like way old, but yours is the only story about another teen Poly I can find. Do you want to talk? I think it would be really cool to be friends with someone else who is Polyamorous

Hey so, I just found this, and I know it's old, but I wanted to say that I'm pretty sure I am too-- is there a word for being good with polyamory and monogamy? I don't know. But I'm currently in the beginnings of a group of three that would probably be a lot farther along relationship-wise if triads were a mainstream thing. I don't know. But your post gave me hope, because I know that I'm not alone (thought I was crazy. I've known of polyamory, have totally supported the concept in general, but thought maybe it was something you figured out "when you're older")

1- I'm still a teen and have been at least 95% sure that polyamory is right for me for about two-ish years, but I've been thinking about it for about a year before that.<br />
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2- I've always been sort of interested in how and why human minds work the way they do. So naturally, as I entered my first relationship, I figured I'd look into different types of relationships. I came across a few groups online that were specifically about poly and a podcast which was very informative and fun ... and it just sort of clicked. <br />
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3- I've never sought out other poly people. I'm at a point in my life where it's not advantageous or fair for me or anyone I'd get into a relationship with for me to date. I do have a boyfriend however, we met before the insane period of life where it's sleep and studying or sleep and partying... or partying and studying. We don't see each other much unfortunately. <br />
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4- Consensual is probably a big one. Poly is not cheating, it is consensual non-monogamy.<br />
Knowing what "polyamory" breaks down into might also be good (poly - many/several || amor - love).<br />
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5- I've sort of told my mom. Or at least... have introduced her to the idea. I really just brought up a news item to do with a poly relationship having their kids taken away or something and then just sort of asked how she'd feel if I brought a girlfriend and boyfriend to thanksgiving dinner. I'm pretty sure she thought I was joking or telling her I was bi. But with her it really doesn't matter. She's just happy when I'm happy. I have not brought it up with my dad. At all. I don't think my mom has mentioned it to him in any way either. <br />
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6-The only thing I find difficult is when people say to me "oh, yeah, I trust you with my girl/boyfriend, you're in a relationship." Why would that be the reason they trust me? Why can't they just trust me 'cause I'm me? But I suppose that's not really a poly specific thing. <br />
I suppose I'd say it has been easier for me, rather than hard. It has brought me closer to my boyfriend who probably now feels he couldn't drop anything bigger on me than poly and my preferred relationship lifestyle. I do expect a few things to get difficult once I'm ready (and he's ready) to go out into the dating world again. Such as finding someone who is poly, or okay with having a poly partner, and time management (which is an issue I've heard raised by a fair number of poly people).

Maybe I'm not doing something right but oh my gawd, is time management ever a challenge! I do really like that although there are several teens involved here that you all sound like you have your heads screwed on well and really are focused on the relational aspects of polyamory while having a tremendously good sense of yourselves before embarking on actively pursuing polyamorous relationships!

I think time management is challenge for everyone! Our lives are just so busy and there is just so much to do and see and such a short life to do it in. It's hectic even without relationships, let alone multiple relationships.

I've found most people to be very self aware in the poly community regardless of age. It's almost like it's a pre-requisite. I haven't come across anyone throwing around that they're poly lightly if they involve themselves somehow in the community. It's those that aren't chatting with other polys that seem to not be very self-aware and just say they're poly as a way to cheat (not all of course, it's just a bit of a trend I've noticed).

I do have to say that I find those that are more sexually poly than relationship poly interest me. You know, as in they need/want multiple consensual sexual partners, but only have one "life" partner or even no "life" partner. I guess I'm interested because I don't understand it on an emotional level, but I do understand it logically. Though... they wouldn't necessarily be considered polyamorous, would they? They'd be more along the lines of swingers. Perhaps that's why even the teens that consider themselves poly are self-aware. Because those more about the sex are more interested in the swinger community than the poly community.

I think this has probably been answered quite thoroughly already, but I thought I'd reply anyway because the questions are fun. =)<br />
<br />
1- Did any of you know you were polyamorous when you were teenagers?<br />
A: No, I didn't know until my early 20's and I wasn't actually in an open relationship until I was 26. I was a late bloomer. Heh.<br />
<br />
2- How did you find out?<br />
A: Good question. I just knew, I think. Then I actually HAD an open relationship and realized that I was way happier than I had ever been in a monogamous relationship. <br />
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3- How do you meet other polyamorous people?<br />
I make converts! I love introducing people to the lifestyle and new way of thinking. I've also met other poly-couples at swinger events (special shout out to http://www.swinglifestyle.com/swinger/party/)<br />
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4-What are some terms I should know when (and if) I bring this up with my other friends.<br />
See Star's answer above mine - I couldn't have said it better!<br />
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5-How did you tell your parents?!<br />
I didn't.. and probably never will. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that has been in effect since I hit puberty. <br />
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6-Is it hard to be polyamorous?<br />
No, but there's a learning curve to it and you have to make sure that you find partners that can handle it. It's very rewarding when done well and with the right partner(s).

1- Did any of you know you were polyamorous when you were teenagers?<br />
Yes.<br />
2- How did you find out?<br />
I read some Heinlein and thought, "Yeah, that makes sense." I later learned about some famous polyamorists and the surprising variety of relationship styles practiced by famous people. Did you know the inventor of Wonder Woman was a polyamorist who ba<x>sed WW on a woman he loved with his wife?<br />
3- How do you meet other polyamorous people?<br />
I don't. :) <br />
4-What are some terms I should know when (and if) I bring this up with my other friends.<br />
Polyamory, free love, responsibly non-monogamy. Also, if you get into a slap-fight, use the phrase "serial monogamy" to disparage the usual way of doing this... or don't, it's kind of mean. :) But satisfying.<br />
5-How did you tell your parents?!<br />
Casually. I don't think they really hard, they didn't want to.<br />
6-Is it hard to be polyamorous?<br />
<br />
NO. The easiest thing in the world is to be who you are and love whom you love. The hard part is being lonely, being judged, being uncertain.

I had always known I was different from "the norm" in certain ways, but when I was a teenager I didn't have the resources, or experience available to understand what I was feeling, and it definitely wasn't an allowed topic of conversation in my orthodox household. I only understood that what I was being told about love, and marriage, and how a family should work did not feel right to me. It just did not make sense to me as to why I should be forced into practices that don't work for me, and didn't even work for my own parents. I didn't have any good mono role models, or any poly role models. I just did what any sincere human being should always strive to do: I followed my heart. My heart led me to a life of being an out and open tame poly who has had to take his fair share of lumps along the way, but I couldn't be happier.

First of, HUGE kudos on realizing that it's not about sex but is about loving! I know people in all stages of life from 20s to 60s who just can't get past the sex part. Now onto your questions...<br />
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1) I didn't even really start to explore my sexuality until my early 20s. I was not as interested in looking for sex as I was in looking for love, and I found it.<br />
2) I found out after about 8 years of marriage when I had to accept the fact that for me just one person can't fulfill me completely in terms of all the facets of life. I was actually pushed into considering the possibility by my wife who although she does not participate or feel the need for any details does want me to be happy and fulfilled and supports that.<br />
3) I meet people. Period. If we click and show extreme compatibility, I open the topic of my polyamory and see if it's a kind of relationship they would be interested in considering. It's NOT for everyone but for those who really 'get it' internally, it's very appealing.<br />
4) For terms and such, feel free to contact me by mail. SSC (Safe, sane, consensual) is probably one of the more important ones. Probably the most important to become familiar with are "Total Self Acceptance and Sharing", "Complete Honesty", and "Full, Open and Complete Communications". Yeah, they're pretty self-explanatory but MAJORLY necessary!<br />
5) I haven't had to. Both parents passed away before I eally began to live in a polyamorous way. Oh it gets more interesting than that, as I am also in a D/s relationship with my poly partner - totally different relationship than with my primary partner.<br />
6) It is not hard but it does tke a lot of work, communication, consideration and comitment to do it right in my opinion. Bearing in mind that sex is only a small part of it, maintaining 2 relationships takes more than 2x the time, patience and communication than one. Coordinating time together without giving cause to your other partner to feel displaced or left behind has to be handled with the greatest consideration and respect to all involved. And again, that's not in terms of sexual abandonment but more emotional and relational. For me both are absolutely full, living relationships with their up times and down times. But still very committed and keeping both of my partners as happy as they can be is work but a GREAT accomplishment when things are running smoothly. Basically I really do love both of them, respect both of them, and to some extent idolize both of them. I know how blessed I am to have 2 goddesses who want to love me and be with me in as many aspects of life as possible. I would like both of them to continue to be in my life until I'm planted in the ground with a smile on my face that even the undertaker couldn't get off. Without it people wouldn't recognize me anyway, because it's on my face every day of my life.

Thank you, that was extremely helpful! No matter what kind of relationship I'm in I don't think it will ever just be about the sex. I think I would be nice to be able to just ... love :)

You're welcome. Don't forget about the being loved part tho too. To give your love is a gift that feels great but be sure to share it with someone who is able to return the gift, otherwise it can lead to real agony.

Not a problem. Feel free to write if you ever want to talk or have more questions.

1. No, I was a prude as a teen. Didn't really realize my proclivities until my mid-twenties.<br />
2. I was casually exposed to alternative lifestyles and was just around them long enough to realize that it doesn't make sense to say humans can only love one person at a time.<br />
3. Online, at clubs, at LARPs (I'm a gamer). That's for me. YMMV<br />
4. www.polyamory.org<br />
5. I haven't. Tried once, mother started to go ballistic when I started by trying to explain what polyamory is.<br />
6. No harder than being monogamous, in my opinion. Just requires honesty, good open communications, and a bit of introspection.

Thank you very much for answering my questions. :)