Looking For Some Advice

I recently learned what poly is and that I am not alone in thinking this. I have always been in love with 2 guys at the same time, but never knew there was an actual word and definition for it. I am completely in love with my husband of 10 years and with my best friend of 19 years. I fell in love with my best friend 13 years ago and we lost touch for 12 years. We were both going thru bad break ups and unavailable to each other at the time. He just came back into my life and all the feelings are still there, only stronger. Its as though we haven't missed a day the way we picked right back up talking. I have not lost any love for my husband. My husband knows, understands and accepts that I am polyamorous. He is all for me starting a relationship with my best friend. My husband has told him he is ok with us becoming a couple.
Problem: My best friend knows nothing about polyamory. He thinks anything outside of a marriage is cheating and is worried he will break up our marriage. (He broke up a marriage many years ago). I have told him I am still in love with him but he says he can't return my feelings because I am married. I believe he is one that in time will understand poly. I am just not sure how to approach it with him. I can see it in his eyes and his actions that he does love me. We still greet each other with a kiss, hold hands, cuddle and even share the same bed clothed. He just won't admit it out loud or probably even to himself. I want so much to be more than just friends and I really think he does too. Its not even about sex, just I want to share the same emotions. We are both in our 30s and I don't think he has ever had a woman love him as much as I do. I know I can't force my beliefs on him either. Does anyone know how to slowly, without scaring him off, explain it so he understands?
Rikki78 Rikki78
31-35, F
5 Responses Sep 20, 2011

Here's the update. I pushed too hard to fast and scared him. He said he can't accept being more in my lifestyle. He wants to be friends only and see if it leads further in the future. It was a hard rejection to take but at least we remained friends. I've backed off a lot and things are good again. We haven't lost the closeness but was awkward at first. He is looking for a gf that lives closer to him and I am ok with that. I'll always want to be more but I'm going to be happy with what we have. There is some kind of connection that keeps us as close as we are. Thank you and i love reading comments even still!

That happens. It's good that you're remaining "friends", and your feelings all remain. If your friend really sees, and understands, that your husband is okay with you having an intimate relationship with your friend - and really convince him that he's not coming between you or breaking up your marriage - but rather, augmenting it, it could very well happen.

Being accepting that he's looking for a gf (of his own) who lives closer to him is a good start. If and when he finds one, and you stay your sweet self to him, and don't get jealous or possessive or any of the things we popularly expect with monogamy, and he sees that he can have feelings for both of you, he'll probably get the idea. Whether or not he can accept that in itself - or just chooses to think it's somehow wrong, is his choice. You can't do anything about it. He'll understand then that it's possible.

It's not something that can be pushed or forced.

Opening up by Tristan Taormino is an excellent book. Even if he decides not to explore the non traditional relationship, it at least helps him understand them.<br />
I've often tried to explain poly by comparing to children. We have our first child, fall in love and love nothing more than that child, then the second child comes along, it doesn't take the love we have for the first child away, then another child and so on. It allows us the capacity to expand our heart, doesn't limit it. <br />
Also keep in mind you can discuss everything until you are blue in the face, discuss every scenerio but until it actually happens no one will know how they will react or what feelings it will actually surface. So you need to be prepared to communicate, to be challenged and to feel stretched thin. However if it's truly something you want, stick with it, nothing worth it, is that easy!

well said

Let him read xeromag.com...wonderful articles about it.Lf

Thank you. I gave him the website and it helped. He's slowly accepting it and I found it a good read too.

That's what helped my bf. I'm glad it helped :)

You could probably have your husband explain it to him. If he's anything like me, then he'd probably get a kick out of it. <br />
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...or you could have your husband write you a permission slip. =)<br />
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Your friend is a guy.. which means being subtle doesn't typically work. The guy probably needs 1) the whole thing logically explained to him and 2) independent verification. <br />
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Just my 2 cents.

I can really relate, especially the part about wanting to make him feel as loved as you can make him. I really know what you mean. Wish i could help you