I Get It.I've been haunting polyamory forums ever since my boyfriend-turned-husband mentioned he is polyamorous. I had no idea of the concept before I read about it, and it made a lot of sense, but it seemed very risky. It seemed many bad things, so much so that I ended up on webpages that explain the most common misconceptions about polyamory EXACTLY as I formulated them to myself. (Since then I figure my hubby just wants to express himself naturally, whoever presents itself and however it shows up).
Just to clear up the rest of my post, I'll share this VERY comprehensive list of myths with you, should you be curious about what polyamory is NOT (remove spaces from address):
http :// www.theinnbetween. net/ polymyths.html
For me, the risk comes from the fear of being hurt, of being replaced, of being second best. Took me a while to realize those fears exist even in monogamous relationships, but in those, you have an external structure that helps allay the fear (in most cases): the monogamous "marriage for life contract", i.e. "I will not see other people or have sex with anyone but you", and the closely related "serial monogamist" contract where you remain faithful to one person for as long as you are in a relationship with them.
I have never believed in marriage/relationships for life. They never made sense except in fairytales, and even those never made sense to me. So I have been, so far, a serial monogamist.
The "monogamous" expectation that someone will not stray can be enough to allay the fears, unless you've already been cheated on.... which I have in a past relationship, by a guy to whom I'd said it might be OK for him to sleep with another girl AS LONG AS I MET HER and could get along with her. Thinking about it now makes me believe I already knew what I could handle... but this guy just blew my trust out into space when he decided to cheat on me while on a trip to Europe, barely even told me about it, and then had the gall to tell me I was "limiting his freedom" when I expressed my pain. (To which I replied that he took advantage of me and he broke up with me then in a huff.)
Even back then it was important for me to let people be who they are. I got screwed up by his assumption that I was "limiting his freedom"--no I wasn't, I was putting down a healthy ba
If people truly love you, they'll want to work with you so everybody's happy.
The problem I have with relationships right now is that I don't trust the other--any other, be it my husband or anyone else--to genuinely value me. (My husband knows this.)
Because respect and appreciation were never really present in my past relationships. Quite literally, I was taken for granted--I was just "their girlfriend", like a possession or a status symbol.
I admit to having done the same, until my ex cheated on me... from then on, the thought made me nauseous because I couldn't handle treating anyone else like that.
I know I'm capable of valuing someone else, because freedom of ex
But I have trouble building up trust.
I've read so many articles about trust.... One of them concluded with this thought that I believe will be my guiding light from now on:
"Personally, I think that fear of being alone is a lousy reason to be in a relationship. If I had a partner who was willing to replace me because she found someone better looking or better in bed or (god forbid) a better cook than I am, I'd want to find out sooner rather than later. To my way of thinking, preventing your partner from talking to or spending time with other people through fear of being replaced is exactly backwards; if I'm that easily replaced, I want to know, because that's not a relationship I want to invest in."
I've also read just about everywhere that the only way to disarm jealousy and let your partner breathe, is by letting them do exactly what they'll do. If the jealousy is unfounded, it will become apparent through their actions. (A lot of talking may be necessary to clear up miscommunication and misreading of intent.)
If they love you... they'll be careful to work with you so everyone will be happy.
If instead, what they do is hurtful, selfish, and they won't work with you to help quell the fears, and potential anger and hurt... Then tough news: they do not really see you, they do not really care. It's game over at that point.
If they put their needs above yours consistently, are you really in a relationship, or are you there for their own comfort and enjoyment?
A relationship implies two (or more!) people. NOT JUST ONE!
So what's risky to me in a polyamorous relationship, is me finding out that I'm actually married to someone who doesn't really see me. Doesn't really understand why he should follow my pace, if I'm the one who needs it to go slower. Doesn't express care!
I'm also worried that my husband hasn't given it quite as much thought as I have, and my own actions in the future will end up hurting him, and he won't tell me. =(
Because honestly, the more I think about it, the more I want the option, too. I don't want to limit the ex
I am quite capable of providing for myself. The thought of being alone does not excite me, but neither does the idea of stunting myself and cutting myself off from people because I am worried about putting myself in a "bad situation".
And frankly, I don't want to pass up the oppportunity to get to know people in the most natural way that presents itself, either.
What I'm scared of is just meeting people who will take me for granted.... and that is a fear I have no matter what my relationship is "called". I'm married, for the Universe's sake! And I'm still scared, and I can be jealous at times.
Now, I need to find a way to explain this to the hubby.... which is why I am posting these not-quite-finished thoughts here, I suppose. :)