I Need Advice.

I can honestly say I love many.  I've dated someone years ago that tried to tell me that loving more than one person in the same capacities is impossible and treacherous.  The problem though is that I also easily get jealous.  I'd never say it unless I really felt safe to share it with my partner.  I never want to be one of those girls who gets all troubled when another girl is around and create a scene.  I knew what I was getting myself into when I went into my current relationship.  I knew of all the players, the situation, etc but I just met the other girl face to face the day before my birthday and knew immediately who she was.  She didn't seem to know who I was though and being introduced to her as a friend with her constantly with him bothered me in all types of ways I didn't anticipate myself to be bothered.  Knowing the name, what she did and of her existence I was mostly comfortable with but putting a face with it (a cute smiley face with it) was a totally different story.  I hated feeling so jealous so much that I left the building and went to my car to release all my feelings safely in a contained space; I couldn't continue to stand there smiling pretending nothing bothered me.  I don't want to be controlling and irrational.  But is that what I have become?  In being so engulfed by jealousy?  Our relationship is based on honesty and support.  So of course after a couple days I expressed to him my feelings (although I struggled to get the words out).  He felt manipulated because I felt this way - manipulated into choosing.  It was horrible.  I love him for everything he is and isn't and never want him to feel like I'm manipulating him.  Was it wrong for me to say I was jealous?  I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do just because he doesn't want to see me in pain.  Am I a polyamorous fraud?  The more I get to know him and spend time with him the more love him.  Its hard for me to fully detach myself from getting jealous.  I could just keep it to myself like I usually would with most people.  I just didn't want to inadvertently act passive-aggressive to him.  I know we both love each other.  I just don't know what to do.  How can I work passed my jealousies?  I usually chose kindness and make friends with the other person.  I mean I may be jealous but I can just focus on my own relationship with him and The immediate first encounter's reaction is over.  I know who she is. At least I know with whom he is with when not with me, and I wouldn't want him to drop her and find someone else in secret in order to save my own feelings.  I'd rather know.  I am sorry if I am sounding crazy right now.  This feeling has never in my life been this intense; its frightening and I don't want to ruin my relationship with him; our relationship has for the most part always found understanding, compromise and love.  Is there any advice out there?

denseconcealment denseconcealment
3 Responses Feb 24, 2009

My concern is that he shouldn't have put you in that position. Poly isn't permission to do who and what you want, it's open and honest where all parties unerstand whats going on. If the first time you met (whether or not you knew) and you two weren't introduced at least privately to each other makes it look like he's putting you in a bad situation. Of course I don't know the particulars of your arrangement, but sounds to me like HE handled this poorly and that put you on the defensive. This does seem a little one sided.

But you were being honest with him telling him that you were jealous, right?

seems like he is getting the best of both worlds..what about your needs?....do you have another lover?<br />