The Husband's Girlfriend Is Pregnant

I thought we all agreed that pregancy would be a bad idea, but I guess I was the only one who thought so.  I am not happy about it.  As things stand, she must go back to her home country to have the child, because we would all be kicked out of the country we live in if it was discovered that she is pregnant with my husband's baby.  My husband is trying to get a job where we can all be together, but it isn't easy in this atmosphere.  He's trying to figure out how to tell family about this.  He is lucky in that, because his parents adore him so much they will eventually accept his lifestyle, not to menation the fact that they will have a new grandkid.  My family is a different story.  I told my sister, who is appalled, but thank goodness is still willing to talk to me, but my parents will not accept my life.



the girlfriend is most likely having a boy, according to the ultrasound.  I had two miscarriages, hoping for a boy, since I have two amazing daughters.  My husband was insistent that it was all an accident when he first told me, but he seems happy now.

 

To make matters worse, my boyfriend's mom is pushing and pushing him to marry some girl from his cultural background, and he isn't good at resisting his mom.  Especially since she had diabetes and his family is all worried about her health.  He wants to stay with me, but I don't know how long he will be able to.  I've posted before about how much I love him and don't want to lose him.  He promises that he will avoid marrying someone else as long as he can, and that he will love me no matter what.  I believe him, because I will love him no matter what, also.  But that doesn't keep me from wanting to vomit every time I think about losing him to the family life he will have if he gets married.  His mother wants grandkids, and if he becomes a father I know he will be wrapped up in that and he won't have time for me.  And lying to parents isn't the same thing as lying to a wife, either.  So.

 

I've had problems with depression in the past, and this whole thing is making me so sad I don't know what to do.  Part of me says I was lucky to have what I had for so long.  There are people out there who can't find one partner, and I've had two smart, interesting men as partners for 5 years.  But I can't really make myself look at it rationally.  The simple fact is that my heart is so wrapped up with my boyfriend that losing him will rip my heart up in a way I don't know that I can heal.  I will still have my husband, and my kids, and a life that is actually much better than I ever had a right to expect, but my boyfriend is a part of my life I need to be happy.  If he is around, I can deal with the fact that there is another child being  thrown into the mix.  I can handle the fact that my husband is a person who insists on keeping his distance.  I can live with the fact that I have to keep secrets, hate that though I do.  All the things that turn me into an anxious mess are bearable when my boyfriend talks to me and gives me a massage and makes me laugh.  How can I live without that?

mexpat mexpat
41-45, F
7 Responses Mar 9, 2010

I was angry at my husband because I was pretty sure he was lying about the pregnancy being an accident. I'm still not convinced it wasn't an accident, and under the circumstances the whole thing is a huge mess.<br />
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A lot of things have changed since this post- the baby is a year old, my husband and I are divorcing so he can marry his girlfriend and bring her back to the US when he comes, and my boyfriend married a 17 year old girl, just last month. My problem with him getting married and having kids is that he will not even consider telling the child bride about me. He wants to keep me on the side and I don't think that's fair to me or her. The huge freaking love thing is still there, though. I have talked and talked and talked to my two guys about all these things, but no solution ever comes up that is good for me. I've made several resolutions to just move on from all of this, but it's so hard it's unbelievable. Even looking at the bf's wedding pictures was like being punched in the heart and stomach at the same time. I'm obviously ok with sharing, but everyone has to be willing to share, and you can't be willing to share if no one consults you about sharing.

I can understand why your boyfriend is so important to you, and why you don't want to lose him. I can also understand why your husband's girlfriend getting pregnant is so upsetting. You are losing me when you talk about how if your boyfriend gets married and has kids, you will lose him. You are married, and a mother, and clearly he is still an important part of your life. Why is what is possible for you, impossible for him?<br />
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I'm also curious why you think the girlfriend getting pregnant wasn't an accident? It sounds from your writing as if you think is wasn't an accident because he is now happy about it. I've had three children, all were 'accidents', and 2 while I was on birth control, and after I adjusted to the idea, I was happy about all of them. So unless you have other evidence, I don't see his being happy as any indication that it wasn't an accident. That said, you have every right to expect his understanding and support for how unhappy you are with the situation.<br />
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I'm sorry if this is sounding harsh, you are in a truly ****** and unfair situation and I hope it works out for the best, but I'd hate to see you making things worse for yourself by seeing problems that don't need to exist. I'd suggest long talks with your bf and husband about your feelings and concerns.<br />
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And regardless of whether your happiness should or should not be dependent on anyone esle, your boyfriend is someone you love, and your main support in a trying time, of course the idea of losing him makes you crazy. You can be your own happiness and still be devastated by the loss of someone you care for, and OF COURSE you need support right now, and the idea of losing that support is terrifying. Don't let anyone tell you that you otherwise.

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You know, I have often wondered about the kind of people who seem to never feel any deep attachment, who can pick and choose their own vulnerabilities, and who have such ultimate power over their own happiness. I've been hearing all my life that happiness is something only you can find for yourself. They experience of my whole life has taught me otherwise. Other people have made me happy, and other people have made me miserable. We are all so intertwined, and interdependent, that I can't see how it can be any other way. You can say that permanent happiness will never come from anyone else... but permanent happiness can't come from yourself, either. That isn't the nature of happiness. Happiness is fleeting and hard to pin down. It is dependent on so many things outside of my own choices. I am happy in love with my boyfriend. It's an amazing thing that I can't claim control over. I have lost people I loved before, and it leaves a scar. Maybe this isn't everyone's experience. Maybe there is something wrong with me, because I get truly attached and I feel connected to some people in ways I don't want to give up. So many people have breezily told me that their happiness is in their own hands that I wonder.

First of all, I feel sorry that your concerns fell on deaf ears from your partners. But secondly, and this will be hard for you to hear and accept. No person in this world can define your happiness. They can bring some more happiness into your life, but they can not make you happy. You have to know yourself first and foremost. You have to be a person of deep inner strength and a person that is happy with themself. If you are a miserable person then you will always be that way because it is who you tie your inner-self with. If you are a happy person in your own life then you will be a happy person no matter who is with you. People come and people go in this life. We only have short amount of time to spend with the people we allow to enter our lives and we cherish those times for the best and the worst. No one person can give you everything your looking for. But if you surround yourself with friends that care about you, even for a short amount of time, you will find joy in the strangest of places and you will have fun along the way.

If pregnancy is any kind of possibility, I would strongly suggest any poly people discuss what will happen if pregnancy does occur. I'm a pill baby myself, so I know only abstinence works 100 percent to prevent pregnancy, and poly people are not know for being fond of abstinence.

I always found that extensive planning before hand was best, fortunately I have never had this particular situation come up. I decided I had enough kids and got snipped before we started really looking for our mate.