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I Had "precious" Moments

A personal story in the experience: I Am "precious"

By MrsIcb4rP

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Nov 5th, 2009

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Am "precious"

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i can say my upbringing did have abuse in it and i can relate to that. i have had objects thrown at me. i have been slammed up against walls. i have been beat to the point of welts and bruising. i have been assaulted and it didn't stop when i turned the magical age of 18. it continued in moments up until i was 25. i can't begin to understand why a parent has a child they clearly don't want. at least that is what i believed. i mean how could love hurt that much? how can love make your closest friends parents tell you that you can live with them? how can love make school counselors call child protective services? how can love make you file a police report at the age of 19 against the people that are supposed to protect and nurture you? how can that be love unless maybe that's the only thing they know. i used to get lectures after the fact about how he was the victim. how he was the one hurting. how its not his fault. its my grandparent's fault. i had it easy. i coulda had his childhood. i could have had parents who divorced when i was 10. i could have had parents who called you every name except the one you were given. i could have had siblings who thought quality time meant fighting and survival of the fittest. i could have ate mustard, ketchup or wish sandwiches for lunch. all the things that i could have been through and so because i don't know that i am lucky. i am lucky that the worse that happens to me is a parent who flies off the handle coming down from a high and takes out their frustration on me like a punching bag. i am lucky that my parents stayed together. i am lucky i was not the victim. i am lucky i never had a father who put a loaded gun in my face threatening my life. like that was somehow justification for what i endured. then wonder why i don't trust people that are closest to me. wonder why i hurt men before they can hurt me. wonder why i had to completely detach and not deal with him anymore. wonder why i went off on my mother for not protecting us. wonder why i let my sister move in with me coz i knew she would inherit the punching bag status when i moved out. wonder why she left for southern california to be with a man who hurts her as well. i don't know why. my mother owned up to her passive sh-t. i was able to move past it and forgive and our relationship has never been better. then again she played the victim card too. giving me the whole "you know how controlling your father is" bull. whatever. i wasn't the parent. i wasn't the one who needed to look out for my family's best interest. still she did what she could and i admire her for that. it took me years to forgive my father for everything. he still to this day refuses to accept responsibility for his actions because he still believes he is a victim in all of this. i kinda feel sorry for the man sometimes. when he's old i will put his butt in a home. my sister better have her half of the money too!

i thank god for the women in my family like my aunts and grandmothers. they balanced out the crap i was going through. he couldn't stand up to my gramma. she would put him in his place about how he treated me. then later on behind her back and behind closed doors it was another story. it got worse when she passed away when i was 15. part of the reason i wanted to die so bad. i was tired of being constantly rejected. i had an aunt who believed in me. thought i had potential. i would stay with her for the summers and babysit my lil cousin (who is now a freshie in college now) and she helped me develop confidence and some self-esteem. she related her reinventing herself and redefining relationships as some of the keys that helped her get out of the cycle i was in with my parents. she is still one of my biggest supporters.

while i may not be precious i have had my moments.

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starwolfcreatecar toon	Posted Nov 5th, 2009 at 7:43PM well nobodies that precious...but your story is part of it :P
MrsIcb4rP Feeling contemplative	Posted Nov 5th, 2009 at 9:30PM yea i would hope no one is exactly like precious. that is hell.
AndrewPenney	Posted Nov 5th, 2009 at 9:38PM hugs iza in a very strong, slow hug These things do NOT have to define the "you" of today. It's human nature to cling to past hardship and allow it to define us. A day doesn't go by on EP when I don't read a story or comment by somebody trying -- desperately -- to find some good in a difficult past ("Heck I'm going to cling to the lessons of my past because those lessons made me what I am today!"). Because the alternative is: To accept that maybe there was no good to be gained in some of those lessons. And then to have to grieve for that loss, instead of pretending that there was some meaning there. ducks shoes and bricks thrown at head by various people At 41, I'm not the person I hoped I would be when I was a child. But I can say that just about everything which gives me insights, a sense of "personal safety", and strength today probably comes from the good things in my life. Not from adversity; the adversity only set me back. The only useful lesson I ever learned from hard times was that I was able to survive it. Why should you feel lucky because your father never stuck a gun in your face, the way his father did to him? That's absolutely unacceptable! We waste so much emotional energy trying to find something "teachable" in things like that. And then we go on to waste years of our life trying to apply those false lessons. Love, Andrew
MrsIcb4rP Feeling contemplative	Posted Nov 5th, 2009 at 9:46PM hugs i feel you ap. i thought it was a load of crock then just as it is now. hell, the only reason i have a relationship with my father now is because its on my terms. we talk a few times a year and it works for me.
AndrewPenney	Posted Nov 5th, 2009 at 9:53PM Good for you, iza! hugs Mrs Phenomenal I'll love you forever. AP
MrsIcb4rP Feeling contemplative	Posted Nov 5th, 2009 at 10:00PM he he. so you say.
luvmc11 Feeling empathetic	Posted Nov 5th, 2009 at 11:01PM You endured something that no child should have to go through Iza. I am sorry. I am touched by your great capacity for forgiveness. I hope, that has helped to bring some healing to you. I am grateful that at least you had your Grandma's and your Aunt for some support. {{{HUGS}}}
FreeFallWall	Posted Nov 6th, 2009 at 1:06AM Wow, i'm speechless. You've survived so much.
rjastein	Posted Nov 6th, 2009 at 7:31AM what an amazing story of struggle and survival. you are amazing hon! and i really admire your strength and courage. blessings and many gentle, warm hugs *hugs*
rainymoon	Posted Nov 6th, 2009 at 11:04AM Survival can be the most inspirational thing. Hope can seem far away... but when it comes to you, clearly you snatched it up and in that, you have inspired me. Thank you for sharing. ;)

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