Would Like To Confess...

I may be precious.  But who the hell am I precious to, and why?  I've lived a life of use and abuse by others.  "She's precious to me for her blind submission."  Or, "she's precious to me for what I can steal from her house without her knowing it."  Or, "She's precious to me for the image my lies about her give other people about my dasterdly self."  Supposedly, I'm precious to God.  Why?  Why die for me when you can just use and abuse me like everyone else on Your forsaken planet?  They don't know what He knows.  That's why.  No matter how overly human I become, no matter how many times I spit on His Love out of disbelief, no matter how far back I fall on my path, He knows I want Him.  I desire to be known, loved, seen, caressed, and adored by the only man who's ever walked this earth who would never hurt me.  Broken I am.  Healed I've been.  Saved I will be.  Because He is no man.  Men are poor excuses for the image they are made in, as I am one who does nothing right in this world but what He gives me strength to do.  With Him, I walk a precious child in His sight.  Without Him, I'm doomed to be what I am unbaptized- what I've made myself with my own mistakes.  Ahh- but the magic of salvation is like taking raw talent, God-given, and transforming it into refined, poised, delicate, comely grace. 

I'll suffer, but only for Him.  I've no illusions about myself without Living Water.  I'm dry and tastless, something to be grimaced at and discarded as trash. But with His sacrifice, the shedding of perfect beauty to reveal the ugliness of an entire species, I am made whole.  Precious by His choice, not by deeds or faith that is mine own.  Beautiful by association, and privileged by adoption.  Royalty of the finest sort- souls who wear white, purple, and scarlet- are born by His favour.

I may be a stain on my kind, my family, my own mind, my own heart.  But He has created something He's proud enough to die for, to take home.

sowwhat sowwhat
31-35, F
3 Responses Mar 15, 2010

I think that you are more then precious. I think that you are an amazingly wondeful woman and mother still on the path to discovering all that she will become and that one day you will share tenderness, love, graditude, respect and understanding with those who would be fortunite enough to be close to you.

You are precious to your child.

Really needed a writing therapy session, didn't I? *sheepish grin* Happens to the best of us:)