I My Worst Fears Were Confirmed Today.

One week and one day ago I left my boyfriend. We were on and off for a year and a half. We were engaged in August and all we wanted was to get married and start a family.

I am 25 years old. I dropped out of community college at the age of 20. Just a couple weeks after getting engaged, I was accepted into a B.A. program and began working on my bachelor's degree. Since being back in school, I feel like I am doing things right this time around, and getting the real college education I never tried to have before.

The thing about my boyfriend was, we maybe partied a little too hard. We both worked hard and played hard, and sometimes when you play hard, you end up fighting hard.

I really, truly think we were volatile for each other.

The problem with a lot of our fights was because he would lie. He would pawn things. He couldn't maintain a bank account despite making decent money. Somehow, he drank all of his money, and it wasn't with me. I would always end up footing bills. He didn't have a license because he didn't pay for a bunch of traffic tickets he got before he was 21 (he neglected these for over 5 years). I had to drive him everywhere. I had to manage his life in addition to my own. My life has gotten to be very busy and I don't have more than one night a week to go out. I work, go to school and drive around the boyfriend at all hours of the day. We lived with his parents, which added to the stress that was already present in our relationship.

I told him I no longer wanted to be engaged to him on Thanksgiving. I told him I needed to step back and focus on school and I wasn't feeling very exciting about planning a wedding. I wasn't feeling very positive about being a part of his family. I just wasn't excited about it. It felt wrong. As December went by, the fights got worse and the negative feelings inside of me kept growing to the point where they were consuming me. To the point where I despised him. Two weeks ago, I told him that I found an apartment and that I would be moving out, so he could straighten things out in his own life and I could have the peace to focus on mine.His birthday was a week and two days ago and we went out and stayed the night at a friends' place. That night he presumably stole a half gram of MDMA at the party. He woke up very early and began fighting with me about going home, and about how he didn't steal it, when he was the only person that knew where it was hidden. I think his comedown was harsh in combination with his hangover. We drive home, and in his ranting and screaming, he punched the rear-view mirror off and grabbed the steering wheel and landed us in a cornfield. We were lucky to have driven away without damage to the car or property. When we made it home, he threatened to kill himself and locked himself in the bathroom with a box cutter and his brother had to kick in the door. His parents took him to a mental hospital, and they talked in the car and drove back home- I guess just to scare him. I left that day. And the apartment that I was planning to move into was ready early, so I spent only one night at my parents' house. I moved in and last week, I felt so incredibly optimistic. I was happy for my boyfriend, too. He was miserable, but since I broke up with him he started attending AA meetings, arranged to meet with a therapist and also started writing again. Granted, he's only been sober for a week and a day, but I think leaving him was the best thing I could have done for him. He was in a self-destructive rut. But he loves me. And wants another chance. And says the most poetic, dramatic things I have ever heard a man say. And he says he's changed. And I have heard that one a million times over the course of many relationships.

I was supposed to start my period last Thursday. Sunday and yesterday, my nipples were so sensitive that any friction made them feel like they were on fire and I got nauseated and dizzy at work and nauseated after every meal. I was pregnant when I was 23 and remembered those feelings and called my very-recently-ex boyfriend yesterday and expressed my concerns. He begged me that if the test came out positive if I would keep it and we could be a family. I aborted the pregnancy when I was 23 because my then-boyfriend didn't want anything to do with it, and I was too chicken **** to do it alone, even though I really wanted to keep it. After seeing those two pink lines, I felt like I was on the other side of what I experienced in the past. It was a different relationship, and with a man who really wants to have a baby with me.

But I don't want to be tied to him forever. I don't mean stuck in a relationship, but just bound to him and his family forever by way of their child, our child. I want to finish school within three years. I want to have a career, a life that is comfortable and I just want to stop struggling in the working class life I have been living for the last 5 years. I want to do things the right way, even if I had a delayed start in getting my life on track.

So despite being a decent age to have kids, despite wanting children, despite having someone who wants to be my lover and my partner, I still think I need to terminate this pregnancy. I don't think I will be able to love him the same way again after all we have been through. I don't think I want to take that chance with him, because he said he's changed and he has only been sober for one week and one day. I'm terrified that I will never finish school and live the life I have been denying myself for so long if I have this baby. I am selfish and I am trying to come to terms as to whether or not that is a bad thing. I am pretty comfortable with getting my 2nd abortion ever, but I don't plan on getting another ever again. I do love him. But I can't be with him. I can't have his baby. I mean I could, and he would be a wonderful father.

I think I should put "me" first.

Edit: I am torn. That is why I am posting here. Instinctively, I want an abortion. I have fear and I am selfish. But I think about him and how much it means to him. How lucky I am to at least get knocked up by someone who wants to have a baby with me. And I feel terrible for instinctively rejecting that. I am confused.
An Ep User An EP User
4 Responses Jan 22, 2013

Here it is months later and all the decisions have been made. How about an update?

This may only be my opinion and take it as you like but the comments of 'its your body' i dont find that to be true. Yes it is technically your body but what about your baby's body?
Im not being critical because coming from a person that is in a relationship that has simularities to yours I understand how you feel and how you don't want to be tied to his family and him forever.
However I honestly think that we as human beings don't have the right to play God. This pregnancy happened to you for a reason. It will likely come with hard times and doubt but with that it will also help you grow as a person and bring you joy and unconditional love. Don't take this baby out of your life....it hasn't had a chance to live yet. And you haven't been able to learn from it yet either.
hope this helped

It definitely seems to me like you are quite right to want to put yourself first. It's your body and your life. Think about what you need, what you want out of life, what will make you happy.

For what it's worth, it also sounds like you've made exactly the right decisions up to now -- even though they've obviously been really, really tough. That's impressive in itself. Stick with it.

Hope things work out!

If you want to have an abortion (and you have very good reasons for wanting one) then i feel you should do so. Dont feel like you are being selfish because you are not. It is your body!