25, Single, And Pregnant.I don't know where to start. Things were looking really good for me career wise back in May. After a bunch of odd jobs and volunteer trips after graduating I was finally settling into a "real job". I had been working for a school as a teaching assistant for a year while working on passing exams to become a teacher. I suddenly had all these job offers and possibilities in front of me. I took a summer job with the school I worked for planning a special project and got offered a job as a teacher.
Then there was this guy. He seemed so nice. We knew each other from work although hardly talked to each other. After the school year was over we started talking more. He was nice to me even though our mutual friends told me I should stay away from him. They thought he was kind of an ***hole.
When I told him I was pregnant it was awful. He thought it wasn't his and then he thought I planned it. He wanted me to get an abortion, but I backed out because I told him I never wanted to do that. He told me that he was "generally not a supportive and understanding person" so I guess I shouldn't be so shocked by every time he said something cruel to me. He's given me some financial support but his tendency to cancel on me and reschedule on me really began to frustrate me. He was afraid to be seen with me and it got to weigh heavy on me emotionally. Especially because he was still being mean to me accusing me of wanting to take his money and such. I mean I was really trying to be understanding of his feelings in all of this. It was a mistake to agree to be hidden and to even entertain his ideas of being a part of the baby's life while not actually recognizing her as his because he wants to protect his financial interests and investments.
When I first found out I couldn't believe it. I was told that it was possible that I could never have children. After spending the last 3 years working with kids that was really hard for me to hear. Especially because I was celibate for those 3 years until that one night. I wanted to wait until I was married because prior I had spent 7 years in a relationship with a boy that said he wanted to marry me. But I guess I was afraid that would never happen for me so I gave in that night. After, we regretted it because I wasn't on birth control and we weren't careful so he went out and bought plan b. I took it within a couple hours but still got pregnant.
Now I'm going through all these waves of fear and excitement. I'm afraid I will never be able to do this alone. I'm afraid that I'm going to be a bad mom. But when I first saw that little blob on the ultrasound I was so happy. Its hard to explain. Its just that you know there is a human being living inside of you and growing and the feeling is sort of out of this world. and now that I'm 26 weeks seeing her move around inside of me and seeing her kicks, its so unbelievable that we can actually do this and I just laugh. I can't believe what I'm seeing.
I'm afraid of being a single mom because of the strange way I've been treated by some people so far, but right now I'm more afraid of my baby's father. Some of the things he's said to me have been kind of controlling and manipulative that I really don't want anything from him. I'm too scared and don't think its worth it.
mandf 22-25 2 Responses 0 Dec 26, 2011