I Don't Know Where To Start

I'm broken, I've always grown up believing I would never be with anybody - or even have a family of my own. Yet here I am, pregnant for the first time at 19 with a baby that I feel sorry for. I'm a very depressed person, I've always wished I had the back bone to kill myself whenever I had the chance.
Then I get the nerve to feel this way; wanting to take my own life, but bringing one into the world. Pathetic. How can I call myself a good mother when I don't even want to be here. I put everything I had, put my entire life on the line and in the hands of a man that could break me with just a clench of his fist. And he did. Has the nerve to look me in the eyes still and say he loves me. I'm in denial. I thought I had finally reached happiness, and even though my soul is completely shattered I'm waiting for him to figure out what is going on in his life.
Instead I should be looking into my own life. I should be trying to move on, it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm holding a piece of him inside of me, watching it grow. Or the fact that no man in their right mind would want to be with a women whose pregnant with another mans baby.
I'd lay my life down for his, I've stood up for him against his and my family, to my friends, and the people that have the nerve to call him their friend. Yet there must be something I didn't do right. Something I said, I have no clue. I don't plan on blaming myself forever. Because even if I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, I didn't force him to make those actions. I just got to take the pain from the aftermath of them. I got to cry more in my entire life because of them. And then stay by his side even after just to show him that I love him no matter what. But it wasn't good enough.
I feel sorry for my child because I swore I would never let my child grow up with two different homes. To have more than one father, and heaven forbid more than one mother. It's bad enough I'm dirt poor and jobless. That I have to search for a homeless shelter that will take me in, so that I can change not only my future but my child's.
Right now the only thing I have to go on, is this sight to let me poor my heart out, and a prayer that I can have the strength to get through this.
I guess I'm just hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst.
RainyWeather RainyWeather
18-21, F
3 Responses May 9, 2012

best of luck and move forward

Hi there. I applaud you for having the courage to keep the baby. Am all ears if you need to "talk". Feel free to message me. Hang in there, girl.

Have you talked to your family at all?

I've tried talking to my family, my doctors. They say its normal for feelings to be heightened in pregnancy, and plan on giving me some meds that will help. I don't want meds, I just wanted someone to listen, and I have. I feel much better, thank you.