Would Rather Be Alone...

Well shoot. I did NOT want to get pregnant. I wanted a baby someday, yes, but the traditional way. You know, love, marriage, sitting in a tree, all that jazz. But instead, I get drunk, and sleep with my best male friend. Dammit. I kept this dude as a friend, only, for a reason. I was NOT attracted to him in the slightest. Not once. Thanks Bloody Mary. (gotta place blame SomeWhere)

Come to find, he had been obsessed with me for years. Drew pictures of me, collected photos from my facebook, kept a private 'album' of me, blah blah blah. After I woke up deadly sick, and wondered if I were pregnant (because oh boy, did he ever! drop a bucket of man juice even though I literally punched him in the gut to get off me) the lovely tell tale sticks confirmed my fears. I told him. He lit up. He then confessed that this was always his plan. "Plan A" as he refers to it. Sick. I honestly felt raped. Not in the sexual sense, but in the sense that, he had this planned all along.

He asked if we could try a relationship. IM thinking, ughhhhhh I dont know if I can fake enough for that...but okay. SO I tried. The very moment I said, "sure, I'll try, for this kid, to date this guy" my best friend turned into a COMPLETE (with no how to care for manual)Controlling, self centered, mean, OCD like crazy, and expected sex every day, and tried to kiss me every five minutes. I exaggerate none. Literally every five minutes he leaned in for a kiss. It drove me nucking futs. Not to mention the puppy eye'd "I love you" after day one of 'trying to date this guy'. Sound confusing? Yes. Confusing to be slight, I didnt understand the meaning behind "im going to be the biggest most controlling jerk she's ever seen and turn around and demand a lip to lip kiss", no thank you. This 'be my body homeskillet.

One day I woke up, after fighting with him the night before because I did not wash his dishes properly, therefor being forced to take every dish out of the cuppoard, wash by hand, then dishwasher, then shined with a towel, and all put back into their 'correct' position, I said to hell with this guy.

There is NO reason I should have to stay with a dude I cant stand. Not for a baby, not for money, not for loneliness, not because he was obsessed with me, NO!!! no no no!!!! When we would talk about what we wanted for 'this kiddo' our ideals on parenting could NOT be any further apart. He is obtruse and, frankly, out of his mind.

One, he smokes/grows pot. Even has his 13 year old boy load his pipes, and smokes in front of his son's friends. His son also steals his stupid drug to share with his friends. ugh.
Two, he only refers to his current son by calling him "BOY" in a loud and demeaning voice. I have always hated this about him. His reasoning is to gain the respect of his son. Sounds like this is one of the things they should put in the "Jackass Manual for Dummies" book.
Three, he spoils his son by buying him every weapon, bow, pistol, knife made by human hands. The kid has more automatic weapons scattered around his room than a terrorist. He wants to teach MY child to hunt/kill/fish/skin/gut animals from birth, like he did his son. Not to mention that he buys his kid every war/kill/destroy video game on this planet, they listen to nasty white boy gangster rap.
Four, he smokes. Ew.
Five, He is terribly mean. Never physically violent (awe, should I be thankful?) but emotionally, and with his tone of voice, words, and punishments, mean as a wild boar.

JUST a few reasons I kept this dude as a friend. ONLY. Regret regret regret.

Im a BIT different. I like flowers, and peace, and gentleness, and DRUG FREE enviroments and saving little salamanders from the road and all living things live in harmony, blue skies and unicorn fields of daisies, and, well you get my point. Im gentle, quiet, humble, sweet and want my child to be brought up in a world where we dont harm. Anything.EVER.

So here I am. 10 weeks, 4 days of belly growing'ness. Ive thought about the alternatives.
But have sworn to my higher self that this option will not ever see light of day in my life. I drank the drink, did the deed, and will birth the watermelon sized human and love the wiggles outta 'it'..

I can do this. I'll be a stellar mom. And I dont, repeat, DONT want this dude in my life. (ready for all those people who will bash my internet'ish head in for stating my personal beliefs and opinions, bring it, I care none.) But he wants everything to do with me and baby. OF COURSE I will give him his parental rights, and be nothing but fair and kind worded for the sake of little impressionable ears, but I am in the stage of MASSIVE regret. I literally have discussed with myself, the option of skipping town. I live in the most gorgeous state ever, Oregon, and have thought about moving back home with my mom, in the ugliest state ever, New Mexico, to simply get far, far, far, far away from this controlling "we will name HIM what I want to name him because IM the FATHER" jerk! What a PIG! But my love for lush greenery and rivery mountains proceeds my hate.

Ive given up basically a year of my pretty little body by drinking too many 'good bartender' beverages and doing the nasty with someone I used to respect. This depresses me and angers me. Having to take responsibility for my drunky actions by allowing my life to flip end over end and be stuck to a man I dont like anymore is a hard pill to swallow. Damn life, you teach thy lessons the hard way, eh?

They say that once I feel said offspring kick inside me, that I'll turn into a mushy pile of sweetness (and Im sure they are right) that these angry and regretful feelings will all dissipate. SO I wait. I wait, and want to thank Verizon Wireless's 'blocking' feature, Facebooks 'blocking feature' and my mothers advice of 'give yourself time, then pull up your big girl panties and contact the dude'. I wait to feel a kick. Then let the connection begin. And please GODS of sunshine, let me find a way to allow this creepoid into my life for the sake of my offspring.

This is all for now. Basically, I fear that I would rather do this alone. No one else controlling me or putting in their unasked "two cents".
NatashaRae NatashaRae
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 10, 2012

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Honestly, if I were in your situation, I would make the decision to be alone. My biggest issue would be his parenting skills or lack thereof. How he is with his son shows how he will be with your child and that is a bit scary. I personally never got to make the decision to be alone, I was abandoned. But if my ex was like your friend, I would have been grateful that he left me. You have to do what you feel is right for your child, and for you. Don't make yourself unhappy just for your child....your child will be happy if you are!!