Feeling So LostI am 27 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. The day I found out I was pregnant I called my boyfriend, the daddy, and cried to him that he had to come pick me up because we needed to talk. We've been through pregnancy scares before but I knew this was different. A little over a year ago I had a miscarriage at 3 months, it broke my heart and crushed my spirit, it was not the first miscarriage, but it was the farthest along. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, I've had 3 miscarriages but this is our first viable pregnancy.
When he came and picked me up he guessed at what was upsetting me, he knew before I even told him, of course I was over 3 months along at this point. We talked for hours about our options, our wants, and our fears. We agreed to take a few days to really think it over and within 3 days we both decided together to keep this bun in my oven.
I was overjoyed, he said he was ready to be a father, he said he loved me more than anyone he has ever been with and he said he would be with me no matter what.
He lost his job last month. I had to move in with my mother. He has no family in town and cannot live with my mother and I so he currently is homeless.
While we have not officially broken up and I still talk to him daily, I see him only once a week, if that. I cry a lot, I worry a lot. I feel so alone. I have my mother and I thank god for that, but this wasn't how this was supposed to be! I am 24 years old, pregnant, unmarried, and terrified. In a very short time I'll have a newborn baby boy. I am so lost. I feel like I've screwed up so much in my life, in such a short amount of time and now I find myself fearing this baby is just one of my biggest mistakes, and good god it hurts to say that because I've wanted this baby for so long!
I always believed everything happens for a reason and that everything happens when it is supposed to, but I cry and scream "why now?!?!" I Love this baby growing inside me more than life itself and I hate myself for feeling this way, but I don't know what to do anymore. it has gotten so bad I find myself thinking such dark thoughts, I think about giving up and going away, I think of suicide and it's so terrifying!
I don't know if anyone will read this, but at least I've told my story. Thank you for listening.
An EP User 2 Responses 0 Feb 12, 2013