What's Normal? I Am Confused, Absent Minded, Flooded With Strange Emotions and Physical Sensations and Most Often Feel On the Verge of Throwing Up
I am in the fifth month of pregnancy. I am confused, absent minded, flooded with strange emotions and physical sensations and most often feel on the verge of throwing up. What kind of new world is this? What does it all mean? Motherhood? Me? Now? How on earth will I manage and what will my life look like?
I find most everybody annoying and usually seek solitude and quiet. This time spent alone however, is not really productive as I find it very difficult to accomplish anything in my present state of mind.
I am frustrated with myself. I can’t tell if these feelings are all pregnancy and hormones, the residual effect of the medications I was and am on or the recurrence of the depression from which I used to suffer so terribly. I find comfort in the company of my sister and her children, perhaps because she is so easy to talk to has experienced pregnancy twice herself. But in the end my antisocial impulses always win out and I crave quiet and space away from all people. I, as mentioned above, do not usually use this time for things like reflection or meditation but am always immersed in novels and books – distractions from real life. I find the things I need and want to accomplish falling by the wayside. Large amounts of time elapse while my house falls into a state of disrepair, laundry piles up, to do lists grow longer and days and daylight disappear.
Could this behaviour and comfort zones be left over from my murky past – periods of wild abandon and drunkenness, parties and binges? I have certainly had and traveled many roads to oblivion, escape and self-delusion. I have had, for many years, thoughts, feelings and memories that I find uncomfortable to face. Am I now sobering up in one respect but maintaining my addictive behaviours? Finding new and less harmful means to the same end: escape? Escape from myself?
These questions are hard to face but are necessary to deal with if I am to become a successful mother. The thought of passing on these character flaws, habits or whatever they are to my child is unbearable. It seems that even while growing this child in my womb, I must give birth to a new more grown up me before I can physically give birth to my child. It’s this assuming of enormous responsibility to this new life not just in the physical realm but in the mental, spiritual, and moral. I must now take responsibility for who I am and what I represent. I must get to know myself, my limitations, my strengths and be honest about the things I do not like - or even despise.
I am excited to be a mother but apprehensive at the same time. Sometimes I can’t believe this is happening at all and have a certain sense of unreality. I am not sure how much of this is me and my personal deficiencies and what is normal.
What is normal?