This is something to ponder over my weekend. I'm confused since we thoroughly planned to have this baby (we wanted our daughter as well and conceived her in one try. I mean with this one I was getting healthy for months, years. Taking prenatals ahead of time. And looking for good areas to raise our daughter and have our next baby. That kind of planning. Again, it was the first few tries, lol.), my husband's low self esteem keeps reaching lower and lower. He keeps assuming I'd be better off somewhere else or that when I left for about a month or two months that it was because he wasn't good enough. He just, for some reason, emotionally and mentally shut down. He has suffered from depression and when he's got the right routine, he's great and supportive. I'm kind of stuck on this website getting "support" I don't get from him...but I don't see why he wouldn't give the comfort? The only reason I'm on here today talking about it is not because I want someone to hold my hand through my pregnancy but because he pushes me away thinking my life will be better. I've spent all week trying to get marriage advice, not pregnancy advice. I don't think he sees it that way though. He's been avoiding me thinking it's the best thing. I don't know if it is or not.

Lately, he's been showing some bad habits. His diet slipped. He planned to exercise for his health but hasn't, he's mostly been sick. He started smoking again after a short period of quitting. It's not the problem but the symptom of him trying to escape things. His weight goes up and down. He'll lose a lot quickly from being sick then gain a lot quickly. He won't sleep for days, maybe less than four hours a night. Then he will get sick on weekends and sleep the whole time. He's been getting anxiety and moody from lack of sleep. But he'll be up all night, keeping us up with the noise or arguing about nothing. Sometimes he'll bang on the freezer getting the ice off at eleven at night...which only makes it worse and we keep asking him to stop doing that...

We had a really great day going to the doctor over a week and a half ago...he was happy for days. He voiced all concerns he had with the doctor. His fears were calmed. We felt like we were really having this baby together. Then he slipped away again.

He's overworking at his job but doesn't really say no until it's too late. He's the manager of a warehouse that is having a big merger of warehouses right around the birth of our baby. They were going to relocate but he's been fighting with the company for months so we wouldn't have to move and he would be closer to home. He had it pushed off because it was going to be on the same month. The company is complaining...most of the time they whine about him scheduling time off ahead to go to doctors appointments. The higher ups don't agree with the complaining because he does have a reason to reschedule. But most everyone kisses each others behinds and complains like children when they don't get their ice cream...blah blah blah...

I know he feels bad about relocating us in the last pregnancy. It wasn't for a job but just because we didn't like the area. It was right after the birth and the emergency c-section. It was too much all at once, too many things going on. But it's fine. That was in the past. He doesn't have to make up for things. He just has to talk with me. A huge merger is a huge merger. He's over exhausting himself. I really think his past is heavy on his back...he hasn't let it go. He's being too hard on himself. I would understand. I can understand!

I personally feel he puts more emotion and fight into his job...which is very unproductive because they've always been this difficult. He was always the youngest of the higher ups baby sitting the rest of them. They just...they've always been..."special". I don' think he should bother cleaning up after them anymore, they're not babies. If things happen, I will adjust and deal with it. When he is here, he doesn't focus on spending time and sharing this pregnancy with us. He's worn out, stressed out, and past his breaking point. He's sick and overworked all the time. But I've gotten so tired of hearing it, it was his choice to focus on this job...and he chose to go back to college at the same time so he's always studying or taking exams...

In his mind, I know he's thinking he's looking ahead. But in my mind, we already discussed that his future wasn't with this company. He financially panics all the time thinking he has to stay with them in order to support us. What he doesn't know is he already has a degree in another area and a good reputation with a hospital in another city as well as a fire department. He has options but he's too scared to take them.

Also, I have a long standing reputation as a mural artist and sculptor. There are no clients that will pay the "student" prices I used to offer. They will offer me more and say it is no problem. But this is because of the type of clients I take and the good working relationship we have together. There are other facets I can do where the kids can either come with me or I could work at home. I've been starting recently so I don't know why he's driven himself to the brink...over the edge...

I would have liked for him to calm down and just enjoy now. Our first child is getting older and is helping out more. And this is the time before there's two children bustling about.

I would have liked to have discussed this with him. He's got it in his head what I am thinking and will argue with me if I say otherwise that he thinks he isn't wanted. I can't...get I can't discuss it with him. I just have to take care of my babies and make the most out of everyday. It sucks...sometimes I blame myself and I shouldn't. Blame is toxic. So I hope I can think of some of the good things instead of the bad. Can't have two depressed parents.

The sad part is, when I find something to be happy about he gets sad and jealous thinking he's right and I am happier without him? But even when his is moody and a stinker, I'm making us good food and laughing...asking him if he wants to join us or we all pile in bed and give him hugs and kisses...even the dog and cats. Well, that's depression. Eventually he'll get back on track and see how silly things were. He'll be outside hanging around in our little set up we have, laying a blanket out to have our picnics or jumping in the kiddie pool again like he did last week.

He can be a great dad, a romantic husband, and a compassionate human being. I just hope he gets better. I've been fighting a lot of bitterness in me, a lot of confusion. But...we've been best friends since we were little kids. I can't ever forget that...I'm always loyal to my friends no matter what we go through. I won't put up with crap but I'll always be supportive.

Tekkamaki Tekkamaki
8 Responses May 15, 2009

Any positive support really does help so thank you again. Sometimes the kind words go a lot longer helping than the traditional advice. I think because this is not a traditional issue or problem...<br><br />
I think me and the spouse are on the same page here with his comment? I don't know if this is going to clarify anything or not? More than likely I am going to sound vague but there's a reason.<br><br />
Well, I think...there's a lot of history I'm not revealing here. It will explain the years of therapy and different trials of medication, what worked and what didn't. Why he has to continue unmedicated now. It's been..what...two three years. He still needs support but not assistance. It would be redundant after all these years because it did it's service and evened out in the end...<br><br />
There's a time and a place for that to come out and I think that's more for his mental and emotional benefit than it is mine. We're past a lot of it so now it's just his tendency to find the world he causes trouble. Idle hands. We used to have a riot doing that when we were teenagers, causing trouble and noise wherever we could. <br><br />
I will say he is not bipolor. But he will take suggestions and run with them just to drive me nuts, lol! He'll make all kinds of jokes. We've screened different times, some were misdiagnosed. But they were cleared up...after months of work. Most of what we learned is a bad shrink can really set you back. Good ones will just help take some load off. But the majority of it is up to him. <br><br />
He's a funny guy. And sometimes funny guys don't like to take a lot seriously. The world can be one big game to him. Even more so since he's got a high IQ, about 15/20 points higher than mine? He views me as a "rival" at times which does more harm than good. After years of trying...he's slowed down. I've learned that with each "game" he tries with me...I don't try to win. I just keep calling creating draw that neither of us can get out of until he stops creating the games.<br><br />
He's still competitive. Which can be...frustrating...because I'm probably just as stubborn headed and bored as he can be sometimes.

...I'm going to catch up on all these comments and think through them a little before I seriously comment. I was away for the weekend and just got back so I don't want to rush responses. Thank you all for your input.

Haven't talked with you in quite a while, but glad to hear about the new baby and that you are doing all right. However, I am concerned about your husband. If you want MY opinion, he sounds VERY Bi-Polar! He may be quite depressed, but he sounds too up and doown and moody to me for it just to be that. Also the not sleeping, then sleeping, being up late, being rgumentative, etc. Has he seen a therapist ever? Sounds like he needs one badly, and some GOOD appropriate medication. The weight thing too. He needs to be evaluated by a good psychologist soon. His behavior is not helping you and it will get worse with the stress of a new infant. Obviously, he has some self esteem issues, but that goes along with the mental state.<br />
<br />
If you two love each other, you need to be honest with each other. He may perceive that as being critical, which he doesn't accept well. If you have been supportive of each other in the past, you really need to get back in that groove gain, b/c he really needs help now emotionally, just as you will ned it later physically. You both need to do something about this now to be constructive. He is too wrapped up in himself right now to see what is happening with you. Find some good help soon! Please!

Hey Tekkamaki. First, congratulations :)<br><br />
<br><br />
You do an amazing job of analyzing what's going on and expressing your feelings! Wow. Your husband is going through some serious "Baby Daddy" stress. It doesn't matter is it is the 1st or 10th kid, they feel enormous pressure to be the best providers. Add some obstacles at work and they can really flip out. It's all based in fear, some of it irrational, but it is very real to them. For most men, hell would freeze over before they would want to actually talk about these fears. That just shows weakness, the very thing they are afraid of to begin with. Crazy, huh? I don't have any real answers for you, but what your husband is going through is pretty common. Sort of a pre-partum depression. Continue to love your family, try to keep positive, and let him know you love him.

You sound like you have shared so much, and for so long--<br />
I agree its worth fighting for. Is there anyone he trusts who<br />
he would talk to if contacted other than you? Depression is<br />
devastating. I have coped with it for the last few years. <br />
Good luck to you, your husband, and your new baby.

That made me feel tearful .. because I could again feel how much you love him.<br />
<br />
I have some kind of chest infection at the moment and have been feelingf exhausted and writing rather sad stories on here.<br />
<br />
Once his physical health is better he will feel have a more positive attitude .. hopefully.<br />
<br />
I believe in prayer and intention and you have enough strength to keep your family together while he gets better.

Hello Tasmin! I hope he does too. He's sick with the flu and complications from the flu right now. So he can't make much sense of anything right now. <br />
<br />
He was on and off on the site but his depression makes him think that none of my friends like him but they do. Or that they will judge him...which in fact sometimes people take his side, lol! <br />
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I've stayed on the site for a year after leaving because he said he could really use it. He's quite nervous about talking about his past on here. But if it haunts him, then why not? I told him if I don't even read his diary, I won't read stories he doesn't want me to read. But it still...I don't know. <br />
<br />
He does have ptsd from the last childbirth. So the pregnancy has him nervous a lot. It was quite a traumatic experience. I've gotten help for it so I'm pretty confident to handle situations and know what to do when I feel scared or confused. He's not so certain and didn't get help for it.<br />
<br />
It's crazy because we've gone through a lot. Put each other through a lot. But we've been in each other's lives for...most of our lives. When we really need each other, there's no better person to go to than each other, you know. Though he pushes me away, I'm the first person he goes to when he really needs something. It's taking me a while, but I'm learning that he...even though he doesn't show it...really loves me and our children.<br />
<br />
He's got a lot going for him in life. His own head won't let him see that. I do hope things improve for him.<br />
<br />
As for me, don't anyone worry. I'm doing well. And the baby is kicking me right now playing and dancing. My other little one is happy and watching a Goofy movie so she's good too. : )<br />
<br />
We are all a little sad that the family isn't complete. It isn't complete without him. Sooo...hopefully if he does see this...he'll know how we feel. : )

Hi Tek .. I was at first excited to see you are pregnant but then read your story and now don't know what to say. It comes over very clear that you love your husband. Is he still on site .. would he read your story?<br />
I really hope he can get himself back on track as you potentially have so much going on together.