Lately I have been growing increasingly miserable. The situation I find myself in zaps the life out of me and leaves me worn, frustrated and sad. There are occasional flickers of light in the darkness, but it is far enough between them to run ashore many times over.

Yet even when I feel down I often say that I'm doing fine. Yes, I am keeping it together for now, but I am not fine. It is a necessary lie for me.

I don't have anyone physically close to me that I can talk to. There is one that I would normally be able to open up to, but that person is not doing too well and needs someone to be their rock; the one person they can rely on, the one person to bring positive things into what is a negative time.

So I lie. I am fine.

There are things going on around me that annoys and frustrates me to no end. I desperately want to address it, but in doing so I know I will destabilize the situation. "Home", if I can call it that, will turn into a warzone. That is something neither my better half nor I need right now.

So I lie again. I am fine.

And I get the feeling that many people won't understand. It's just easier this way. That doesn't mean I always lie to everyone, but I may or may not be fully open about how I feel.

It is as if the only way to keep it together is to glue back the piece that have fallen off. And despite being able to clearly see the cracks, I must convince myself that I am fine. I can't let myself truly see how everything crumbles around me.

So I lie to myself. I am fine.
PirateMonkeyCabinet PirateMonkeyCabinet
31-35
1 Response Feb 15, 2016

I really relate to this and I wish I could offer some solid advice, but I can't. Something that helps me sometimes is writing everything down. Just everything I'm feeling whether good or bad. I don't know, it brings me a sense of relief, just getting it out my system I suppose.

Good to hear you've found something that works for you. :) Writing works for me to a certain extent, which is why I use EP to vent. That said, it neither fully mitigates it nor resolves it... and frankly, I never expected it to do so either. I finy myself in a situation with no other solution than to play a mental game of chicken. Pedal to the metal towards the proverbial wall and hope the wall backs down enough times for me to get out, as the only acceptable resolution right now revolves around waiting.