True Indivial


I was amused when I taught High School that so many of my “normals” put so much effort into pretending to be different. Of course most of them would soon grow up and behave like the true normals they are. They would led uneventful, boring life’s just like there patents before them. They would embrace whatever religion there patents and neighbors believed in and fully accept as natural (YEA! OUR TEAM!) and right, what ever those around them believed in.  

  I have a right to be amused because I am the very different kind of person they tried to be but couldn’t. Worse, although normals often aspire and wish to be more like me they are hypocrites. If I am not careful to appear charming and just as interested in the same music, movies and sports as they are they may look closer.

The psychiatrist a the famous Menninger Clinic who were the first to see me, wrote the court that I should be given the maximum sentence possible because I am a “dangerous sociopath” that has no compassion for any other living thing, without a conscience and hiding a deep rage that could explode at any moment. Fortunately for everyone in that conference room I didn’t lose control because I had taken a stout pen from the desk of the head psychiatrist and still dream of shoveling that pen deep into the brain of everyone in that room. We all have are dreams. 

  What did happen was I let myself look confused and didn’t say a word. When I was sent back to court I charmed everyone as best as I could and got lucky with a liberal judge that put me on probation if I would go to college. “Yes Sir.”  

  I am now 65 and I still have that rage but I have never lost control. I have found ways to let off steam and not be noticed.  

  I want to tell young sociopaths to ignore the authoritarian critics like the psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic. Society fears us because we are capable of making our own rules of right and wrong. While all societies create rules that protect society we can create rules that protect and conform to our indivial needs. Ha! Many great stories/movies glorify the strong indivial who stands up for themselves, but in reality they want to burn us at the stake. 

  I want to tell young sociopaths that they need to be very careful not to internalize normals sense of shame. I suspect it is hardest for females. The hypocrites of Christian/Jewish influence favor the male. He is a stud and she is a *****. Normal women are usually unable to escape the sense of shame that holds them down but sociopath females stand a chance to be as free as males if they chose to be proud of being unique. 

  I have survived to be an elder sociopath primary because I simply and truly like myself. I think that my heroes Friedrich Nietzsche and the German Colonel Otto Skorzeny would smile at what who I am, because I am me and not what others think I should be…DD        

Kiss me

Dewduster Dewduster
66-70, M
29 Responses May 21, 2009

i hope im like you when im older

This truly speaks volumes to me and I'd like to thank you for that. Simple and so very full of truth. I am very proud to be who I am- I have always embraced it and I always will. You've brought a smile to this lady's lips.

You're an interesting man. I'd be satisfied to witness you as a whole as you spoke this. Truly absorb the falseness and truthfulness in one. The only question I have is, do you believe at a certain point its worth it to be rageful? Perhaps in your much later years when you near a point where you lack any real life? Perhaps when you feel like you've squeezed life enough and you're ready to show your violent side to others? I firmly know that when I am a very elderly man I'm going to go on a... Spree of a form. Intelligent games aside, the only mission will be to inflict as much harm as possible before my last breath. Will this be you at a point? I'd satisfyingly enjoy an answer.

I must say, I have never seen such a proud and flexible 65 year old as you before.

Dearest “mayo1” aka faceless one (ha!) aka…come out come out and stop being a coward. Your avatar has no experience, goals etc. But, you are not new at all. You have been on EP a while and just made up a new avatar to hide behind. <br />
<br />
I did check what you have been up too and note you had to show your Psy 101 know it all bs at 16yearoldpsychopath's post. Sad…<br />
Then you did make an outrages claim to be a sociopath yourself at the “I Am a Sociopath – Forum”. <br />
Your bazaar experience with a fantasy girl was unbelievable- "...she has cost me about 630,000 dollars, two cars (one crashed, one just disappeared) and an office. (Mysterious Fire)<br />
=======================<br />
WTF? IF there is any truth to any of this crap then you have to be the most tolerant and richest person alive. BS. Pure BS! Any sociopath would have made her eat her own toes!!! <br />
Mmmmmm I think you have brain damage. I think I know who you are. Show some respect for your elder. We could still be friends if you want because I understand and will not harm a friend.<br />
Play nice sweet one, we both know you are the one who- “i think you desperately want to be seen as a psychopath, its probably a result of being abused, now you wanna be the one who is at least seen as the abuser and has power.”- I am but you only want to be. Be who you are and come out from behind you silly mask ...DD

psychopaths cant love,you cant make yourself feel love if you are a psychopath ,no matter what age ...they can pretend but not feel it ...they do pretend these emotions to get what they want.... psychologists are used by them to learn more about how to manipulate others, not to learn how to embrace/encourage emotions... i think you desperately want to be seen as a psychopath, its probably a result of being abused, now you wanna be the one who is at least seen as the abuser and has power ....psychopaths dont think like you described.. longterm and about being lonely ,they are lonely but they cant help it and they cant help being predators even if that means serving time in jail and thats the worst for them being locked up and by themselves ...thinking longterm about not wanting to be alone and loving your wife plus boosting emotions is all far from psychopath behaviour...they cant change even if they want to ,iam surprised that no real psychopath read your comments and made a few remarks on how wrong it all is

gtfo, how would you know you are one of the sub-human "normals" dewduster is a great role model for any young sociopath noone wants to hear your psychology bullshit if your not a sociopath you dont know, you are just worthless subhuman garbage.

EccentricOne, I was 37 when I wanted to change. Key word is "wanted"...DD

I wish you could meet my biological father and tell him those things DD. Then, he could probably be a more pleasant and happier person. He makes people miserable on purpose. However, he is 52 years old. He might as well be set in his ways.

(((BLUSH))) I wish we could all get together for lunch or something. I would enjoy being with you and seeing your body language when you talked. <br />
<br />
There are a lot of lonely sociopaths and all other kinds of people who are lonely but the simple truth that being kind to others is in your own best interest makes the world a better place for all...DD

teach me your ways

Thanks for the wonderful words, daddy. I also embrace my emotions... I think they are good. Yes, I cry sometimes for what others think is no good reason. But I usually know and understand why. I have been told I am too touchy about some things, but what I am touchy about are things that are important to me, and if something or someone is important to me, then I FIGHT FOR IT -- so maybe I SEEM touchy, but really, it is that I have things I value and love.

I am falling in love with you girls! I mean it. Well, as much as I can, ok?<br />
<br />
SaratogaGirl, you are the model/example that I want to show other sociopaths. You are way to emotional to be a sociopath but you are different and you embraced and love/like who you are! That is my message. That is why I keep saying I am a true sociopath but I am proud that I have evolved and I am spiritual. I have discovered that what I want is best served if I have as much compassion as I can for a few special people like my wonderful wife. Here on EP it is in my interest to play nice and befriend wonderful people like both of you. <br />
<br />
Shadow28, when I can see that a special person like you is able to embrace the Dark aspect of our Goddess then it helps me not to feel so crazy. I am not the only one to understand this truth. Thanks, I am still a sociopath and my sense of right and wrong is still as selfish as ever BUT I now know that it is truly in my interest to befriend you. That is why I am a mature and sociopath. My wonderful wife understands me better then anyone and knew that I was pretending to love her at first but as we evolved together I actually believe that I do love her. We do now have one of the best marriages around. Ha!...DD

Yes Shadow, and it is the privilege of women to participate fully in this dance of light and dark, of birth and death. We live it in our cycle with its blood and potential for life, we live it in being able to give birth -- an experience that is full of blood and pain, and yet also of love and life and happiness! Many people choose to ignore this, and I think they pay for it.

I embrace you, dewduster, as a father for me. There are those of us who are chosen to be different, we are given the choice of either being apart from the pack or, by joining the pack, of killing our selves. I made the choice of embracing my differentness and being happy in it.<br />
<br />
There is an aspect of femaleness, of the Goddess, that, if looked at, gives a deeper insight into the mysteries of blood, death and birth, that typical, shallow culture does not appreciate. Yet it is profound.

Thank you EccentricOne, You show insight and I would like to see how wise you will be when you are my age. Wow!<br />
<br />
I think one thing that makes it hard for people who know me just a bit to accept that I am a sociopath is the fact that I have evolved and again I am a very spiritual indivial. True to form I am not spiritual in the same way as everyone else. HA!...DD

I am borderline, what do you expect? Of course I am going to be like "I'm sorry" but "I hate you" too ;)<br />
<br />
Thanks for replying. Oh and the jack up thread bit was a pathetic attempt to throw some hypothetical gangsta humor into the mix.<br />
<br />
Also, I do believe you are a sociopath.<br />
<br />
Guys, this man has some years under his belt. I am sure most of us, well I will speak for myself, doesn't even want to KNOW what he has done/seen/etc. and so on. He has probably lived it all, already. I wouldn't pass it off as mere anger issues. I am sure there is a lot more in there than wanting to stab someone with a pen. <br />
<br />
Not all sociopaths are the same. Not all borderlines are the same. Not all psychopaths are the same. Come on.

Shadow28, of course I am nice to you. You are soooo cute and smart and every thing I would want if I had a biological daughter. I was as hard core as they come. I used to hunt punks that raped people in part because I was raped myself. Also, I felt alive when I was hunting a punk. Sociopaths get bored easy and it somtimes takes extreme actions to help us feel at all.<br />
<br />
Given that I never bounded with any one at all for most of life, the fact that I have not internalized the usual sense of right and wrong and the fact that I have minimal feelings I am a true sociopath but with one big difference. I drowned, went through the tunnel and because I am a sociopath I cursed the light at the end of the tunnel and was instead embraced by my Mother the Dark Goddess. She has given me many many challenges and has driven me with pain to learn Her lessons and evolve. I have taken the left hand path to approach the divine. My spiritual path with the Dark Goddess has give me pride and the certain knowledge ALL aspects of our ONE Creator are as Devine as ALL others. Most sociopaths don’t evolve because they dislike themselves so much and have accepted societies judgment that they are evil…DD

please stop with the “sorry” stuff. Nothing to be sorry about. I like your for “…jackin' up yo threadz. :De...” Thanks a bunch, come by and be jackin up my threadz anytime you want. May be a bit more in my face and don’t pretend you are the least bit afraid of me I don’t bark and most girls like my bite. Lol. Just playing. <br />
<br />
I like to play and I like people around who don’t take me too serious. <br />
<br />
I am serious now. I define normals as people who have the full range of emotions. My wife is emotional, OMGoddess! I like her a lot and would be lost without her. The normals I don’t care for are the ones who have internalized mainstream Christian culture and demand all the rest of us believe as they do. <br />
<br />
I am 65 and I have found peace and I hope to help other sociopaths have pride in being a unique indivial

Type your comment herI am not a sociopath but my father was, and so was his father. I have a dinner plate of other stuff going on. ;) Therefore, I like to "label" if I must label myself eccentric. Not crazy, not psychotic, not insane. <br />
<br />
However, I am working on embracing my eccentricness (is that a word?) and trying not to take so much shite from the normals. But what is a normal? To "them" they aren't "us." And so on and so on and so on...<br />
<br />
Lately I've had issues because my husband has separated from me because he said he cannot deal with my mood swings/psychosis/etc anymore. We have two small children together as well which makes it really hard.<br />
<br />
So I want to praise you DD for finding peace or whatever with someone/s. My father never did that. Still hasn't. He doesn't know what peace is and still gets his jollies making others suffer and be miserable. Even his current stepchildren whom my heart ACHES for. :(<br />
<br />
Anyways, thanks for sharing your story and sorry for jackin' up yo threadz. :De...

EccentricOne, thanks for your questions. Never feel that you would get “virtually ***** slapped” when asking a question of me. I might want to rough you up a bit for other reasons but not for seeking truth. Lol.<br />
<br />
I don’t believe we can ever stop being a sociopath. I have worked hard to nurture my existing emotions so I am able to feel some compassion for others. I even have a family that I care about. I had the will to do this at age 37 because I was lonely and desired to have a companion. I also have a profound spiritual path that has helped me to evolve. Because I never bounded with any one while growing up I was able to discover my own religious path. I embrace the Dark Goddess and have learned a lot from Her. <br />
<br />
Although I have been able to expand existing emotions I still don’t have a conscience. I don’t want one either. I have my own rules that keep me out of trouble and my rules are in my self interest, not so much societies. My above story was written to assure sociopaths that we are the true indivial that most normals would like to be but can’t because they are herd animals and it is there nature to want/need to conform with others…DD<br />
<br />
P/s I hope you are indeed “EccentricOne” and proud of it!

I have a question. I am probably going to be virtually ***** slapped but oh well.<br />
<br />
If one is a sociopath , is there a way to stop being a sociopath? Like, with there being the absence of a conscious, is there a way to develop one or is that too much scientific tripe involved there? <br />
<br />
This is mostly for those that are sociopaths and are embarassed/wanting to change/etc and all that fluff.

I know, I'm such a nice person. Shhh, don't tell!

Phage, I think you just said said somthing nice to me. I am going to reread just to make sure. Ha! You were nice! Truth is I like knowing you. I do want you too feel good about your self.<br />
WE ARE THE TRUE INDIVIAL. We are the "differnt" that many normals want to be...DD

I always get a kick out of the various things (especially actions) which people think preclude someone from being a socipath. Sure, we're all missing bits of what you might call humanity, but it's not always exactly the same bits.<br />
<br />
Anyway, great story (again) Dew. I think you're very right about the shame thing. It always amazes me when someone says that they're a sociopath, but that they feel horrible about who they are because of it. I don't think it's entirely a good thing (I know perfectly well there are experiences that I'm missing, and that some things don't come easily to me), but it's definitely a strength. Much better to embrace who you are than to hate yourself for it.

Yea, no one should have to live in a box. Thanks Miaa...DD

At the age of 21 I clearly had all the symptoms of a classic sociopath. You can google sociopath and see more if you want. Basically, I had few emotions and no conscience. I have nurtured my emotions some but I still have no conscience. I have never felt guilt and can easily pass a lie detector test. LOL. <br />
<br />
I stabbed a punk who was trying to rob me but I also took his wallet which seemed fair to me but I was caught. The police had a long rap sheet on this guy and I should not have taken his wallet because the cops told me I had done them a favor. The judge gave me probation because he believed in me and I had served in the Army and had taken one semester of college with all A’s. <br />
<br />
The psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic tested me and believed that I was a sociopath. Hope I answered your question. It helps me to tell my story and get feedback…DD

OmarKhayyam, Etymology has fascinated me since I was 15 when I looked up “curse” words that demeaned women. I found many such curse words were words of high honor in old English/pre Christian times and believe women have indeed been cursed by the Catholic writers that used psycholinguistics to corrupt sacred words into becoming literally cursed words. <br />
<br />
When I was 21 and was originally diagnose I was closer to matching the psychiatric definition of a sociopath. I have worked hard since then to evolve. Central to my evolution is the miracle of my drowning when I died and was embraced by the Dark Goddess as I embraced Her. I doubt that this could have happen if I had internalized the general believe that the God of light is good while Dark Goddess is taboo. With my Dark Mothers help I have liberated my own female essence and in the name of my Goddess I have worked hard to help women become liberated from the curse of the male dominated religions.<br />
<br />
Also, I have worked hard with a wonderful psychiatrist to nurture what emotions I had so that I can now have some feelings. <br />
<br />
Please don’t understand me too quickly as I do what I do for my reasons and not out of compassion.<br />
<br />
That said, I would not want to be classed as "anti" anything. I am, I am on my path...DD<br />
<br />
Dearest NANSELTAR, you more then any one understand my devoltion you more then any one understand my devotion to our Goddess and like any true sacred path I have become more whole/Holy on my path to learn from my Holy Goddess. <br />
<br />
HA! Hippies. Shook things up a bit. I am sad though to see how after all the rhetoric the women still did the cooking and cleaning up. I believe there concept of “free love” was also more to the benefit of horny males then the females.<br />
<br />
However, seeds were planted….DD

I like OmarKhayyam's comment. You can't be a sociopath, DD, because you care about the flaws in society and speak out for change. And here you are in the EP community, and as far as I can see, your presence is not destructive, but engenders thought.<br />
<br />
I can really relate to your comment about people "trying" to look different - I remember a moment in my hippie youth, a time when I was so proud of being a part of a social-reforming, liberal and outspoken movement for change. Then suddenly it hit me. Here we were, not getting married but playing house just like our parents, and our bellbottoms, fringe-y vests and headbands that supposedly identified us as rebels were just another uniform......Heehee. But DD, our generation did change the world, though!<br />
Vive la Diffference.

june1999, you are so understanding. I wish we could have been teachers together...DD

Mmmmuaaaahhh...!<br />
<br />
Oh, DD.. You brought back the nightmare that was my years in art school. Soooooo many people fighting and competing to be different when they were all in a uniform of what they thought to be cool and hip.<br />
<br />
Same ideas, same opinions, same everything.