With Every Bridge I Burn...

I learn more and more reasons I need to stop adding bricks to the wall and start smashing holes in it. I realize I hurt so badly in the loss of the people I push away, that I have no reason to push them away out of fear in the first place.
    I had a really bad day yesterday when I contacted people in my life that I separated from on bad terms. Where I have been learning and trying to rectify my mistakes, it seems it is easier for them to keep the hatred of me in their hearts rather than risk getting hurt by me again.
    I have destroyed two loves and two amazing friendships.  
    With everything I have learned, I just hope there is enough of me left to give to someone that I wouldn't want to push away.
    I hurt people so badly that they don't want it ever again, no matter how good the good was.
    I still haven't learned to reconcile my fear of rejection with my need to have people close to me. I do not want this to doom my happiness.
KarmaFred KarmaFred
18-21, F
4 Responses May 9, 2007

People can and will forgive you. Some will make a choice to be your friend again, others will not. And that is OK, it is their choice. You will with the "new you" make friends again. Please forgive yourself, once you have done that, you will be able to move on and discover happiness again. Take one day at a time. For years, I have feared rejection, and for many years I have pushed people away and destroyed relationships, because of the fear. But that was also OK, I had to go through this healing process, it was pleasant and unpleasant. Today, I am different. If people want to reject me, that is OK with me. There are many other people who enjoy me and will still enjoy me. Nothing will be so bad that I will not be able to handle it.

I don't think that I've ever met a person who didn't push people away. Maybe the ones that are meant to stay are the ones that actually believe in you enough to hold on tight. I just broke up with my boyfriend about a week or so ago. He wanted to marry me, do the family thing, nicest guy I've ever met and I'm an ******* for it. Truth is, I always think there will be something better.... and at the same time... fear they're thinking the same thing about me.

I'm notoriously bad at being a friend. I not only can never find the time to keep in touch with people, but I also avoid people just because I don't feel like expending the energy and emotion to fill them in on the things going on in my life since I last saw them. I have pushed away all of my friends, except for my fiance and my sister. I try to spend time with them during the summer and rebuild our friendship, but then I go back to school and can never find the time and destroy the work I did. It's awful. It's not that I don't love them, and it's not that I don't want them in my life... it's just that I don't want to relive whatever bad things have happened in my life since I last saw them just so they can be updated. I guess I'm just lazy.

I absolutely understand you. I'be ruined two relationships due to my fear. And it hurts so much because the only thing I always really wanted was love and a great relationship. I sometimes am so scared that I'll never be able to love someone properly...