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Shove

I have to push you away so I don't get hurt and the pseudo EP friendships I have remain just that. I don't choose this with pryde but if I let you in just like that, what respect would I gain from you? You would take me for granted along with all my affections, you'd have your pick of male stallions to shag and still find an excuse to keep me on the property as a pet when what I'd rather be is a permanent resident of your heart, your soul, your mind and of course your ever responsive 'airstrip' on which one day I hope to land my Airbus 380 on. I won't let go of passions until I know yours will take off with me. I won't stop shoving your essence away from me until I'm certain it won't clog my pores and stifle all logic or rational thought. Yes I am pushing you away so you don't hurt me, you may recognize this from the long silences or the carefully measured words but at the end of the day, I'm just an EP faceless, voiceless friend so I really don't exist or matter at all.
RoaringFlameLostinShadow RoaringFlameLostinShadow 31-35, M 9 Responses May 10, 2011

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What exactly do you fear? Giving your heart away? Your essence? I am not clear...But I hear you...

I suppose in a sense, both

Why?

How do you feel then, about platonic friendships? Do you push away as well ?

I understand this post, I understand it's to someone who got close, too close in a romance sort of way. It sounds as if this is something you have a history of battling with. I hope you find a way out of that habit. I remember when I was like that. : (

" I'm just an EP faceless, voiceless friend so I really don't exist or matter at all." There is disappointment here on this site to be sure........but those who really make a difference over shadow the disappointing ones.

I have no issues with platonic friendships, the issue though especially online can be availability. I am like you, I had a previous profile on here - at the height of infamy I had more 'friends' than I knew what to do with and over a thousand stories. What really sobers you up quickly is when you realize you barely talk to a fourth of the people on your circle. At the time of this, I'd had more than a few friendships explode like Flight TWA 800 - I just need people who can be there when I need them.

Ah ! In light of the fact that you have also paid your dues here.......I do know it's hard to understand and at times hard to even accept. The fact that you are always " there " and no one even seems to notice when you think you've given a hint of needing some one to be there for you.

Your heart gets hardened a bit, and the trick is would be to not expect such madness ! * laughs* * ahhh sigh*

Exactly Marji, you get people who are there for everyone else but you. Let's not even get started on the endless promises.

* kind of smiling scoff* You are right ! We won't go there ! ; ) I hope you have a nice finish to your day dear heart.

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But truthfully....we are humans after all...one way or another even if you feel it's fake or faceless whatever you call it....we FEEL the pain, happiness, laughters even being silly at times...I understand what you meany by be taken for granted....been there felt that here too on EP..oh well least I still have a handful of friends that keeps me smiling here...:)

That is very much the hope.

I understand why you consider your friends on EP fake, but you'll come to see that the people you're friends with here have the same feelings/views that you do. I won't take you for granted!

I agree with you, I wasn't always the quiet one on here. There was a time not that long ago in which I was extremely vocal: I'd rattle sabers with anyone and call thunder down upon all those aspiring to pollute EP's pristine waters. That didn't pay off well, I got sold out by even those closest of those I called friends and and the end of the day - I took EP more seriously than others did. I wanted to launch real friendships off here and that's apparently against everything EP stands for. I write special people on the inside and leave EP mostly as a playground for certain thoughts, of course there is my EP family I do look after on here.

You receive what you allow. If you expect to be treated as voiceless and faceless, then what other precedent does a new person have?



Nonetheless, I think people should allow more space, as a rule. We're all damaged, and we're all whole, and we all have lives and history to accept, deny, get over, or deal with...

Oh Pixie-Dixie, you couldn't find a single female under the age of 45 yet over the age of 18 in your neighborhood who would happen to be able to see me in that light too now would you?

It is a tricky line to walk dear Pixie, especially when so many come to EP looking at the ranks as being a supermarket. They can pick any one of a dozen men from the litter. Rarely have I ever been the number one pick and often when then has been the case, the woman in question picks several others without thinking to wait to at least see if I am proven a disappointment.