Very Much So All Of The Above

Naturally, I am a quiet person and have always been all of my life. More observant than outspoken, I get this trait from my father. Sometimes, though I hate being quiet but there isn't much that I can do or say to come out of my shell. When I do people seem surprised or shocked that I'm actually talking to them like I know them and that is a trait that I absolutely hate. It's almost like I startle them. I always have to make the first step to communicate with them and even after we get off to a "good" start, they will find a way to distance themselves from me or find a way to make me feel like even more of an outsider by telling everyone how I behaved or tell them where I messed up at instead of telling me. When people do that, it seems to scar me and makes me unable or unwilling to try it again.

I'm not sure anyone sees me as shy but I am. Sometimes people see me as shy but I think they take advantage of it. Some people wonder about me but someone else would say, "Oh, she's just shy." I feel like people brush me off when they say stuff like that or count me out intentionally. Even if that is their premise, I have no defense for that response. Other times I think people do that so that they can have the person who may have been interested in me as their own friend while leaving me friendless. Is that or could it be far-fetched?

As you can see or read from what I've written so far, I am very socially incompetent. I just don't feel comfortable in social environments. That is just like if I find myself around all of my closest EP friends, I'd still be shy or feel incompetent because these are all still people I have never met before. They may all very well know me, my experiences, my stories but it's like my mother said to my father's relatives amongst meeting them for the first time, "I'm just not a people-person." It's not that I have something against people but it's just that like experience on this site said, "I feel alone in a sea of people."

Dimples87 Dimples87
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 9, 2010

I thought I was alone, it really feels like you have no control over it sometimes. I engage socially on my own terms, I must have a sense of who you are. Dreamcast you're so on point about seeing through the mask. Give me five minutes or so and it's like I'm reading a book. sometimes I wish we could all just lay it on the table instead of pretending.