My Own Little Bubble

I've been a shy person ever since I was 7. I used to be the loud kid, but then something changed, I don't know what it was, maybe I just wasn't cool enough, but I lost almost all my friends. As a child I spent a lot of time aimlessly wandering around the playground, wishing for a friend to play with. It's not that I had absolutely no friends, because I did have some, it's that they all had their favorite friend who they wanted to hang out with all the time, and that was never me. Because of this, I never developed socially very much. I don't like to talk to people that I'm not comfortable around because I don't know how to start a conversation, and I don't want to end up just standing there awkwardly with nothing to say. So I just don't talk much.

I've never really felt socially accepted, and I don't know why, I don't think I offend people or that I'm particularly weird, people just never really liked me that much, and because of my lack of social-ness, I just end up feeling more and more separated from everyone else. I recently started taking anxiety medicine, so I feel a little less anxious about social situations, but still with that being said I'm probably the only pretty 15 year old girl who doesn't like talking to people all the time.

The worst it ever got was in 7th grade. That year there was only one person in my class that I was comfortable talking to, and she was a popular girl. I think the only reason she talked to me was that I was smart, I could give her the answers to our homework, and I did, I would do almost anything to not lose the only friend I had in my class.

Eventually I became so detatched that I would spend hours developing my alter-ego, a  gorgeous, cunning, and occasionally rather eccentric Star Wars Sith lady from the planet Dathomir... I'm a closet Star Wars geek. My alter-ego was everything that I wanted to be, and since I was so out of it, sometimes her emotions became mine, so like if she was depressed I would be too. It was like having another whole person, a real person, inside my head. My alter-ego is still here, but at least she is no longer a basket-case...

Anyways, back to 7th grade. It. Was. Hell. And it was easily the worst year of my life! Most of the time I just went through the motions at school, it was like I was on autopilot. The days all blurred together and there is a few months where I can hardly remember anything that happened at all. Somtimes I would go the whole day without talking, even during lunch. I didn't open up about my feelings to anyone, but I did eventually start keeping a diary. Writing did help a little, but 7th grade was still awful. I felt like I was on the outside looking in on the world, like no matter what I did, I couldn't affect anyone or be a part of anything. But I guess I've always felt like that, even now I often feel as if I'm trapped in my own little bubble.

DarkLadyoftheSith DarkLadyoftheSith
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 20, 2010

I'm 21 years old, and I think that middle school (grades 6-8) was one of the worst times in my life. There's really nothing like it, you feel as though you can't fit in, everyone is overly hormonal (and generally evil) and your body is changing in ways that might make you feel uncomfortable or out of place. All through that period I ate my lunch alone, I avoided the boys who would pick on me (with their immature antics) and ended up spending most of my free time in the library. BUT, what I'm trying to say is that it DIDN'T LAST FOREVER!! As I progressed through high school, people grew up a bit (yes, I still had to deal with immature boys, superficial girls, social situations I didn't want to be involved in, etc.) but things GOT BETTER! And then by the time you get to college or university, you realize that people don't really care what you're like and you begin to understand that you can be yourself more than you ever could be in grade school.<br />
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But I guess this won't sound very helpful for someone who still has a few years left in that environment. To which my advice is this, try to find other people at your school or in your neighborhood with similar interests... join a club at your school (or start one if none of them interest you, I'm sure there HAS to be at least one other kid at school who loves Star Wars just as much) or maybe hang out at your local comic book shop (I know that the one where my sister goes has awesome role playing games for different interests). Whatever you do, start slowly... put yourself out there a little at a time, then eventually (as you become more confident) things will get A LOT EASIER.

I too feel the same way as you do and it's also getting really hard for me. I remeber being very sensitive as a child and anything negative towards me would bring tears to my eyes. As i got older, i became more secluded from people and began living on my own little bubble. I started getting more anxious and going to town was often an uncomfortable experience. I became more self conscious always worrying about people passing judgements, criticisms and making jokes about me. As it went on, it began affecting my school-life as i only had 3-4 friends who would often ignore me because i hardly ever talked because of intense feeling than i might say something stupid or i had no idea what to say to them.<br />
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I feel even more distanced from the outside world and spend most of my time at home now. It feels like this world isn't made for me and question myself why i was born like this. Anger and sadness always runs within me when i think of what other 'normal' teenagers might be doing which makes matters even worse. I have been shy for my whole life and guests in the house was always a pain. There were times when i couldn't even look them in their eyes and always felt they really didn't like me. Like you, i also have a alter ego - the glamourous, stunning me who has everything and perfect in everyway. I think about him when i feel worse and use it as a form of escapism.I feel trapped like you and don't know how to get out of it. I am starting a new year in college and i don't want it to be same as my school. I hope things get better for you and want to tell you your not the only one. There are many people who are going through the same phase as us