Not Looking Back

I am quitting my job. Not as exciting as it sounds.

Mostly I feel defeated. I have been wanting to throw in the towel (wait, maybe it should've been throwing in the chalk, lol) for more than a year but my kind boss has always succeeded in convincing me to stay.

More to the point, I knew I had to stay because I needed the job, the salary. Which in turn made me resent the situation more. It all got into a vicious cycle where I hated the fact that I had to go to work, and then guilty about being late and then paranoid about co workers not liking me, back to hating the situations and on and on and on.

EP made things easier. This was the place where I could still be me, someone you guys only know as a teacher and a friend - not an employee with a bad track record others were, at best, wary about.

The last row was about three months ago. I didn't come to work for two days and my IR manager gave me a stern warning. At the time, I was like, okay you know what, go ahead and fire me. I just don't care anymore.

But then, for some reasons they turned tail and asked me not to. I hated what I was doing to my kind boss and, listening what she said about how my classes were not finished yet, I was ashamed and I knew I should at least stay to finish those classes. She knocked some senses into me then and I actually did decide to stay for good - even if I told her I was staying only to finish those classes. (Just in case I decided to change my mind later.)

Which, it turned out, I did. Up until these last classes, I could still pride myself, as my IR manager acknowledged, as a good teacher. He told me they all agreed that, skill and personality wise, I was good. It was my conduit that was the problem.

But those last days, even my work suffered. I found myself using old lesson plans with no regard of what my classes actually need. I didn't follow the syllabus and just teach whatever topic was available in my file of old lesson plans.

It was a disaster through and through. There are a lot of bridges I burned there, which I regret or sure will regret in the future - but if anything, I am the best in burning bridges.

I probably am not worthy of a clean, new beginning but I am not looking back.
june1999 june1999
31-35, F
33 Responses Jul 15, 2010

Hi ive just quit my job as a medical receptionist and like you i hated going in and i new it was affecting my work. It was hard to do especially when the people closest to me and opinions i really care about were telling me to stay. But i knew what i felt and wat was best for me. It has for the first time made my life messy ive got two interviews lined up but i need to figure out now what it is that i want to do instead of regrettong my choices 40 years down the line. What people dont realise is that it takes courage to quit and pursue what you want so good luck and dont give up

Sounds like you were in a rut. Its hard to be excited about something you can't stand doing anymore. Its best that you left. You need a new challenge to reinvigorate your life. I know its hard letting go of something that provided a reliable income. It just sounds to me you NEEDED to let go for the sake of your mental stability. <br />
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Maybe teaching is what you love, it was the environment is what you hated. If you still enjoy teaching and the lifestyle it gave you, you could apply to teach in a different environment explaining to your possible next employer that you were no longer challenged by your previous position. <br />
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However it works out for you, good luck in all your endeavors.

When your boss insists that you stay, it means you are really good, believe me.<br />
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It doesn't matter how nice they are, they will lose their job other wise.

I left my job and now have two part- time jobs and am TONS happier!

@LilMissMuffet: Amen. If I pull myself away I can see things clearly, the way you guys do and are trying to tell me about. I guess it is all the guilt and the whole being uprooted thing that shook me up a bit.<br />
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@VoteForPedro: Thank you. It means a lot to hear you say it.<br />
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@JMO: The thing is I don't find teaching stressful - I loved it. But anyway, it's water under the bridge. Copywriting has its own challenges, I especially love doing press releases. Amen to business remaining good :)

@ILoveMarie: Thank you.<br />
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@LordVoldemort: You don't know how much what you said mean to me, LV. "..we tend to believe the worst." I might have believed the worst and lost sight of colleagues who didn't judge me.<br />
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Thank you, thank you.

Don't let this make you feel less of yourself, you are a great teacher and you have done an excellent job.<br />
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I know how you feel, when we don't like our jobs we tend to believe the worst,<br />
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lots of love and hugs

Best wishes June.

Nah, don't envy me. It's more of a copywriting...? People tell me what they want me to write, giving me keywords etc., etc. and I write to order.<br />
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It does sound glamorous though ;)

@AgeingThinker: That's a comprehensive insight into the educational system in Australia. Thank you.<br />
I'm afraid though that my problem has nothing to do with the system. I teach in a private company, teaching the employees. It's more about the nature of the company itself, the atmosphere. I love teaching and it was what kept me being able to stand the whole thing for three years.<br />
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@Hannah777: Thank you.<br />
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@bcj: That's a great quote! I like it. Not about the begging though, but I agree with the message.

20/20 vision - bah.<br />
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I have 20/20 hindsight!<br />
<br />
hehehehe

miss june!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1<br />
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why are you still there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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here is a useful(????) quote. i shall paraphrase<br />
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"Do not go to work if you hate your job. It is better that you beg for alms at the temple door............."<br />
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love<br />
b

Hi June<br />
<br />
I've been there, being unfulfilled in a very stifling job. I know exactly how you feel hating the thought of coming in to work. The good thing about my present job now is that it gives me a lot of flexibility and freedom. I get what you mean about living for after office hours. But I try to give it a good 8 hours of concentration that my job requires and divert into some task I find more rewarding after office hours. <br />
I almost wanted to become a teacher but in the end decided it wasn't something for me. In my country it pays rather well, and a lot of people take it on because it is very secure. <br />
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If you are serious about making a career switch then get some good counsel. Find out what you like. Don't just quit out of the blue. First, make the preparations, get some drafts out, and see if you can't get something published and assay the response. If you get some good feedback then avenues should open for you.

June, your story fits with what I know about the education system in Australia (my wife is a casual teacher and I encouraged her not to take up any permanent job). In ourcountry, the majority of teachers are older than 55. They spent a lifetime teaching, and have nowhere else to go. There is also another group, of enthusiastic young people in their twenties, who spend a few years teaching, after graduating from university. But these young peoole don't stay too long. Just like yourself, they get fed up with the bureaucratic and pointless nature of classroom teaching, and they find better jobs in the economy.<br />
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Just to give you one example. My wife got mildly reprimanded last year by the school principal. Her mistake ? For a few minutes, she remained alone with a pupil in the classroom. She simply didn;t notice that all pupils have left, except the one she was trying to help. Teacher's rooms all over the country are being fitted with glass walls, heaven forbid a pupil gets sexually harassed. I understand why this is being done, but I think the pendulum has now swung to theother extreme.<br />
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I see a few more angles in your story. You write from Asia. Here in Australia, the children of asian immigrants make up a separate category. They are motivated to study. It could be the diaspora effect. I thought teaching in an asian school would be a satisfying job. Reading your story, it seems that the neighbour's grass is always greener-:)<br />
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I'm trying to explain why teaching has become such a frustrating job. Too much freedom for the kids ? Perhaps it relates to the overall rasing of standards. In the past, if a country was 90% illiterate, then a teacher had naturally high social standing, as holder of rare knowledge. Today, that social status has been lost, more exactly, the average person has caught up.<br />
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I'm also thinking about the politically correct curriculums, which, in the eyes of the pupils are largely useless. Thousands of years ago, primitive people were reaching their children essential survival skills. Today, knowing how to drive a car is just as much an essential survival skill, yet we are not teaching it in public schools. Just imagine the level of motivation of the kids, if, at the end of a school year, they would get their driving licenses.<br />
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Anyway, please stop me from rambling on ...

"<i>...maybe 98% of what people might be telling you about how you should be living your life is probably not going to be useful to you in any way.</i>" That's true - and I should've known that, only when things happen to you, it's difficult to keep a 20/20 vision.<br />
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I would love to find a backer naturally, only for now I am not setting my sight to be a writer like you, AP. I am doing freelance article writing and it takes just about every working/writing hours that I have. If I do have a backer like yours, he (or she) would probably say, "It's going to take you 2 or 3 years (to save enough money) to be able to do private projects."<br />
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For now it's really word-crunching and bills-paying money-earning, for me :)

Yeah, that's the ultimate drawback of being one's own boss, LOL. I find myself hunched over the keyboard until wee hours of the mornings, proofing drafts, rephrasing sentences which I know clients would have approved but I myself am not satisfied with them, etc etc.<br />
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One of the perks is, thankfully, I can get up a little later. That does not sound much but it's really heaven for me :)<br />
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Yeah, people would think I demoted myself - to throw away such a 'high paying' job and a grand office at the top of the tallest building in Jakarta but you know what, I've been there three years, hating it from the beginning and it's really time to go.

Amen Paco :)<br />
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JMO, I believe you did read all the stories concerning this, stories which span over, more or less, 18 months.<br />
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If we should analyze it, I'd say it's the workload. In the job I had before this particular one, the workload's crazy but I loved it. This one is rather slow paced and intellectually non challenging. I know I sound conceited and ungrateful there but I'd told myself <i>that</i> over and over again, convincing myself any fool would die to have what I had.<br />
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And look what enduring those brought me to.<br />
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I work from home now, freelance writing which help a little. Thanks for worrying about me - with so many friends like you JMO, I'll be sure to take care :)

I hope for you a path of least resistance to your mind and soul. <br />
:)paco35

Fritooo... thanks. I am glad to see you say that. If there's any doubt I still have, it's gone when I see your comment. Hugs.

My very very best June...you sooo deserve to be happy!<br />
Sometimes the best decision is to walk away.

I didn't think I could walk away either. What with needing the money (and by needing I mean desperately) and not having any other prospects... I guess in the end the discomfort trumps even that.<br />
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But I can appreciate the differences of our reasons.<br />
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Thanks for the wish, Gaz :)

I wish I could just walk away from my job but I think I have been in it too long now, I hope you can find something you enjoy and look forward to going to everyday.

LOL Bee. Thanks for making me laugh there :)<br />
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firegod74, I should have known that but, instead, I kept telling myself everybody would kill to have my job (which was pretty secure and well covered, insurance wise) etc., etc.<br />
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But yeah, as time went on I became diminished into this lying and undisciplined employee nobody respected, much less liked.<br />
Quitting seems worth it, now that I put that in writing.<br />
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It means a lot to see you're agreeing, Misty. Thank you.

I agree with what the others here have said.<br />
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Follow your heart while you're still young, June :)

Sometimes quitting is the only answer. Hating your workplace spills over into your mood away from your work and starts affecting your personal life. I think everybody in that position deserves a new beginning.

Many days I feel like this too. <br />
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My boss is an arse hole and a slavedriver. Last night the last meeting ended at 10 past F'ING MIDNIGHT!!!!!!!!<br />
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Most days I feel to quit.<br />
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love <br />
b<br />
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ps - i am self employed. heheheeeee

Love and luck, my eastern princess.<br />
<br />
b

I'm hanging on those words Carrie, everything works out just fine. In fact, I wrote that on my mirror a few months back and it's still there: <b>Everything will work out fine</b>. Somehow hearing someone else says that lifts some of the heaviness in me. Thank you.<br />
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I'm sorry you feel the same way about your job Lena, it's not the easiest situation to be in. Hugs.

Somehow, I can feel what you feel, June. That's pretty much what I feel about my job. <br />
Well, I wish you luck for the future.

Keep looking foreward and thinking possitive and you will find you have made the right decessions, and eveything works out just fine.

That one reassured me, AP. I was afraid of the eventual regret and panic I may feel at the end of the month, finding myself with no paycheck.<br />
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Just reading that you don't regret becoming a writer means a lot right now. Thank you. And I will jaga baik-baik :)

Thank you, PTMAN and Andrew. You don't know how much I appreciate those kind words.

I wish you all the luck in the world June.