Psychotherapy & Race

Oh the pitfalls of race. Race always lingers just below the surface and for most this is an uncomfortable and even scary reality. In fact, many people in this country, namely those from the dominant culture, are in denial about it. And the new form of denial is called "color blindness". The opposite of this denial is a dynamic race consciousness. I'm amused watching white folk navigate the mines of race that lie just beneath the surface. I don't see it as a danger. I'm not afraid of it, albeit I do get weary of having to defend the necessity for me and everyone in this country to develop this kind of consciousness.

I'm currently in therapy. My therapist is a white guy, probably in his 30's. Heretofore we have only spoke of race in passing, barely plumbing the depths of meaning of the racial dynamics between us. Myself a young black Muslim, a budding professional, a radical revolutionist organizing my community in a fight against racist policies & laws; polices and laws that treat African American communities like a community of child-like savages & inherently criminal. Dr. Simmons a PhD psychotherapist with a tender heart for those doing social work, especially with the poor. I learned yesterday during our weekly session that he is unafraid to tackle the issue of race head-on. We broached the subject, with depth, for the first time and it ended with a series of direct challenges toward me.

The conversation about race developed organically, evolving out of him pushing me to articulate my skepticism of the merits and effectiveness of talk therapy. In my fumbling over my words, trying to express where it came from--race surfaced. It peeked its head up like a frog in murky water, dipped back down; only to resurface again later in the conversation.
"I think there are race dynamics that play into my skepticism as well" i said looking up at the ceiling.
I was downplaying race as a cause suggesting, instead, that my skepticism was probably more a cover for how uncomfortable it is to be in the role of helped--considering I'm always in the role of "helper". It’s not that this was not true, but I wasn't saying how race played into this. Why? Because i wasn't fully cognizant of it. This explanation, however, inevitably, circled back to race.
"The problem i have with psychotherapy", i started pensively, "...is that the therapist doesn't reveal anything of himself. Here his patient is bearing all and making himself vulnerable while the therapist sits back as a safe and passive recipient..."

I went on to further make my point by sharing with him what Andrea, my supervisor, shared with me when i first started organizing. She said for me to be careful not to become a "non-person" in the eyes of the leaders I'm developing. Leaders have a tendency to develop this perception of organizers as "other than"--and that otherness is usually a "super-human" persona. Organizer as machine, living, breathing, and eating the work. What she was teaching me was to learn how to build public relationships with leaders. Why? Because the quality and depth of the relationships i develop are inextricably linked to the effectiveness of the organizing work. And the organizing work is about leadership development and creating sustainable organization in communities. Hearing this, my therapist asked if I would be at a loss if someone asked about him. In other words, what would I say about him & parenthetically our relationship if someone asked. He was trying to gauge to what extent I see (or don't see) him as a non-person.
"Yes." I said simply. “I wouldn't know what to say. I would say...I would say...that he's this white guy..."
My voice trailed off as I tried to complete my thought before speaking again.
"That is unfortunate. It's unfortunate that after seeing each other every week for this long that you only see me as 'the white guy.'"
I had struck a nerve. I could feel it and see it in his tone, facial expression and in the 3 challenges that followed.
"Why is it unfortunate?" I asked.
"Because you're not my black patient" he shot back.
Enter: the first challenge. I don't see you as your race, why do you see me as mine? A fair challenge. I pushed back suggesting that its easier for him to say that because he knows so much about me outside of my ethnicity--the most obvious thing about anyone (for the most part anyway). He contended that one could know who someone is without learning facts and historical details. The second challenge: Knowing someone is more than an accumulation of information about them. Another good challenge, though surprisingly naive. Did he really believe that this is how I understand relationships & what it means to know someone? Given the type of person i am, and the kind of work that I do i don't believe anyone who [knows me] would challenge me in this way. He issued a third and final challenge before ending the session:
"I've been showing up but you haven't seen me. That's all the time for today. Let’s continue this conversation next time because I feel it needs attending to."

I am a very suspicious person. And this doesn't make me paranoid. I am a very cautious person. And this doesn't make me phobic. I have a healthy skepticism of this society, its institutions, and its motivations. Psychotherapy as a practice and Psychology as an American institution doesn't stand on a foundation that warrants my confidence--and I say that having a background in psychology. Black people in this country have probably been the most misdiagnosed and mistreated by the mental health institution. To be sure, the founder of the American Psychiatric Association--Benjamin Rush, was a white Supremacist. Dating back to slavery, Black people are diagnosed and treated for mental disorders that serve to further justify their oppression. Black youth in 2011 are still disproportionately diagnosed with learning disabilities and mental health disorders. When I worked in the mental health field for 2 years as a Community Service Worker I did direct service 1 on 1 with clients. Most of our clients were African American boys. My skepticism of Psychotherapy or talk therapy has that backdrop. This session with Dr. Simmons was the first time he has clearly defined how he sees his role. He's not a coach, but an agent of awareness building. He wants to help me build a keen awareness of the choices I make and why I make them. That part is not what I’m suspicious about. It is not the "what" that raises my brow but the "why." Why are you helping me? Why did you work with me on cost of treatment? Why do you make concessions for those doing community work? What's your angle? What's your motive? I realize that the last two questions are "whats" and not "whys". However, both assess intentions. And this is what I want to know when I ask "but why?" Hell, as an organizer I can't HELP but to ask why anyways. It’s all I do in my work!

"Why?" isn't part of his method of awareness building. Sure he puts the why question to me and pushes me to let it permeate my consciousness. However, he never shares why. He's content with trying to function as my psyche's mirror, reflecting what I feel, what I think, and where both come from. But I’m NOT content with that. It feels unauthentic. I want to know to what extent he shares the feeling & the experience. He wears a cloak of transparency that, paradoxically, hides intention and shrouds him in mystery. This makes me incredibly uncomfortable & unable to connect with him. I want to know the person I'm sharing incredible painful and sensitive experiences with. Otherwise, I'm suspicious of intention. Where's the tape recorder? I wanna see the notes you write about me. What's going on in the mind behind those ostensibly sympathetic eyes?

And this is why I see him first and foremost as "white guy". It’s a combination of the tenuous nature of race dynamics in every social institution in this country, including psychology, & the simple fact that I know next to nothing about this man and why he does what he does. Let's not forget the subtext of race consciousness in all of this. Race consciousness is something that permeates every aspect of my life. I don't only have it when I'm at work. I live with it. It lies down with me at night and gets up with me in the morning. Every second of my life I have it because there is never a second when I am not black. Dr. Turner, my VISIONS coach, asked us in a workshop once to reflect on and write a percentage of our race & gender awareness. He modeled by going first and his answer resonated with me. He said he is aware he is black 100% of the time. Our race awareness is a product of white oppression; in fact, I would even call it its correlate. White folk may see it as oversensitivity. No. It is survival. Now, if I am constantly aware of being black I must also be aware that my supervisor is white. My ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend is white. My therapist is white. Erika never ceases being white in my consciousness no more than I stop being black. I'm reminded of my grandmother's counsel to me one day while I was visiting her and talking about my work: "Well remember now, they white folks." How could I forget? The reason I see Erika as other things in ADDITION to being white is because I have relational frames of references. I know stories and experiences behind why she is committed to the work we do together. She trusted and respected me enough to become vulnerable in this way. This lowers my suspicion and creates a relationship that doesn't feel inauthentic and discontinuous.

My relationship with Erika is not based on useless little known facts and biographical details. Knowing when she was born, how many siblings she has, and random events in her life doesn't constitute my "knowing" her. I wouldn't be an organizer if I believed that a relationship is the sum of facts and events accumulated about a person. My work is the art of creating and navigating public vs. private relationships. There is a way to build relationships with people that both maintain professional boundaries and reach a depth that gives life & meaning to the work you are participating in together. This is a key element in learning the craft of organizing. In my interview process for this job I compared the goal of organizing to the goal of the mental health service field: skill-building to assist people in accessing their own autonomy. My supervisor used to remind us at every staff meeting that as Community Service Specialists our job was to "work ourselves out of a job". Obviously there are significant differences that can be pointed out between these two disciplines. The point here is that both disciplines require trust and trust is built upon relationships. Dr. Turner, my VISIONS coach, mentor and also a relationships counselor is masterful at navigating the public/private relationship line. He is not aloof. I feel I know him because he allows me to. He's more than just attentively present when we meet. He brings his full self, both mind and heart. He leads me through a process he's willing to go through; he even demonstrates that willingness. His method of challenging my self-awareness is by using himself and his experiences as a teaching tool. It’s not the historical details and facts that he shares in his stories that deepen the relationship--it’s how those experiences changed him and challenged him to think of himself and the world differently. Walking me through his journey gives me incredible faith in my own ability and creates a bond of trust between us.

I see Dr. Turner because he allows me to see him. He's not a 50 something year old black PhD with a jovial laugh. He's a man whose experiences give him passion for helping brothers like me. Dr. Simmons is a white PhD, generous and soft spoken. He is an intent listener and has good taste in footwear. He’svery serious about our work yet maintains a sense of humor. There isn't anything wrong with my eyesight. My dad taught me to be observant, one of the few things he's ever done for me. Not to toot my own horn, but I have a discerning eye and pick up on subtleties very well. Sure some things escape my sight, but I am not blind. I see others better than I see myself at times. So you see, Dr. Simmons, your generosity, your sense of humor, your attentiveness, and sympathetic eyes are colored by your color. Not because I'm racist or race obsessed. But because my race consciousness cautions me. My race consciousness tells me that trust is earned and based on relationships that go beyond what one can discern & pick up through observation. This is generally true, of course, and ESPECIALLY true in the context of race. As i reflect more on this, I realize that I have never been helped by a white man. And to be frank, am suspicious of one reaching out a helping hand. My skepticism isn't unwarranted. In the collective experience of my people help has always been conditional, dysfunctional rescuing, motivated by white guilt, or a combination of the 3. Experience has taught us, it has taught me, to question it. Where is this coming from? What's the catch? What will I owe you? Why are you doing this for me? What are you getting out of it? The problem here is not one of sight. My self-awareness may need work, but my external awareness is sharp. And while I acknowledge an implicit connection between the two, I submit that I can see. If i cannot see it is not attributable to willful ignorance. It's either due to being misled or because something is being concealed.