Fear

I am afraid of a lot of things. Most of them come down to an emotional level, not your typical fears of spiders or snakes or heights or **** like that.
I'm afraid of people getting too close to me that they might get hurt. Or will get hurt. Will. It's an almost inescapable aspect of my life that once someone gets too close to that one door I try desperately to keep hidden and locked, that they won't be able to go any further without experiencing pain. And what's behind that door is not even worth the pain that person would go through to see what's there.
I'm afraid of fighting. Of course I've wrestled around before and I've sparred a few times with a friend for MMA, but if I were ever truly involved in a fight, I'm afraid that I would fight to death. I know my own strength but I don't know what rage or passion, or the two combined, would do to enhance that strength and that scares me for somebody.
Tonight I got punched square in the damn face, and yeah, it rocked me for a second, but I didn't go down and I didn't fight back. I stood there looking at him, waiting. Yeah, I was waiting to see if he was going to hit me again, and if he did, then I'm not sure if I would have, could have held back. It took every ounce of strength in me in the first place not to answer him in the first place. And they say I lack anger management skills!
I'm afraid that I will never understood. The few people that are the closest to understanding me still don't understand a lot of what I'm about because their world doesn't work that way. Thus, I fail to keep trying to make them understand, and let what they do understand just be good enough and deal with the pain of their lack of understanding on my own.
I'm afraid of always being nowhere and never going anywhere. I'm afraid that when I die, nobody will know. I'm afraid that I don't even care if I die.
I'm afraid that I'll never learn.
I'm afraid that love will ruin my life.
I'm afraid that the most true and pure thing I have to offer and feel in life is love, and it's still never going to be good enough.
I'm afraid that I'll always **** up, and **** someone else up.
I'm just.........
afraid right now

JustAFriendlyNinjaKiss JustAFriendlyNinjaKiss
22-25, M
Sep 20, 2012