I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

I haven't written anything of actual substance in a long time, and I make no promises that this will even turn out to be anything close to fabulous.
It's been a long twenty four hours for me, a long time to do some thinking, a long time to go through the "remember when's," and at the end of it all, I can't say that I've come up with anything new to say about my life, myself, or my circumstances.
I know that have to start getting over things, like friends I shared deeply with who are no longer communicating with me. Yeah, it hurts more than I can probably find words to, but I've been here before and I need to find a way through it.
I don't have much else that I care about in this world other than the few friends I had made a deep connection with, nothing much else holds anything of great value. I'd gladly give up my camaro, all I have left to really call mine, it's even my home, if I could just have those people back in my life. But I don't see that happening.
So to deal with all that loss, pain, and disappointment, I've let the last few weeks be dedicated to not feeling anything at all, drugs and alcohol work wonders, for a moment.
But I can't keep up with what those vices are demanding of me and I need to change it. Unfortunately, I don't even have he desire to really wan to, nothing is really giving me the inspiration or hope to try to hard. Yeah, I could die, but that's not even a driving force in my decisions.
I had been tryin to get out of town of town for he last couple weeks, running away from here just to be somewhere else, thinking that the farther away I go from here will change who I am. I want to be less involved, less caring, less hopeful that I have a chance of forming any kind of relationship with anyone, just to save them the hurt of "me" and save myself from the hurt of losing them.
But I've been running into barriers at every turn and haven't been able to leave. So I'm still here, in this town and on EP.
I can't seem to leave town because I do have one person here that hasn't given up on me, even if she doesn't really want all of who I am. And I'm still here on EP because it's really the only way I have to live a life. Without it, I'm nowhere, nothing, and worthless. Not that I'm much more when I log off.
I don't really want to change who I am, I don't think it can be done. I am who I am, and I'm sorry to all of you for that, but I can't be anything else.
I am smart, I am caring, I am deep and intense, too intense for most, I am loving, I am sweet, I am funny, I am dark, I am giving, I am easy to take from, I am self-destructive, and I am lost, but always searching for something that I can find meaning and value in. I'm creative but I can't create right now, other than creating an improved me.
I just don't know what else to do that will make a real difference and make people feel better about keeping me around.
I'm a good person, with a good heart and good intentions with good things to offer to a limit, but I do stupid things, I can be trusted but I can't always be truthful about who I am, and when I finally am tired of hiding, hurting from it, knowing I'm going to hurt someone more because of it, I give myself away, and eventually they walk away.
I used to be against drugs and drinking a few years ago, and now it's all I know to make myself not think, not care, and not desire more out of life, simply because I just can't have what other people are allowed to have. So I'm an addict to escape all that is real to everyone else, and to escape what it my reality, which is not real enough to others.
The ones I've grown to love the most aren't around to help me, only make me feel like I shouldn't even bother trying, they won't be there after anyway. And the things I want in life are things I can't have, so what's the point?
I can't decide right now if I'm talking myself into continuing to waste my life an myself away, or if I'm talking myself into continuing to be that good person that doesn't have a place in this world.
Actually, at this point, I don't know what the hell I'm trying to do, I guess, just talk. All ill ever be capable of is just talking, and to not be able to do it much anymore, especially to the friends I had and love, is driving me crazier.
I'm ending here because I just realized that I have no point and nothing will come of this.
JustAFriendlyNinjaKiss JustAFriendlyNinjaKiss
22-25, M
Nov 29, 2012