Inventing Myself For The First Time?

I don't know if I'm re-inventing myself or inventing myself for the first time ever. I've only just now reached a point in my life, at 25, where I'm no longer being defined by someone else. I have been living on my own since I was 17, but even when I moved out, I was still desperate to cling to whatever definition or identity someone else gave me. I tried on many different hats to try to appease family, friends, coworkers, bosses, professors... but none of it made me feel right. When I got a job in law enforcement, I was the tough person who everyone liked to joke about being fearless, but that wasn't really who I was/am. At school, I was the brilliant and diligent student who everyone was certain would wind up in academia, but that's also not who I am. With my family, I was the stoic figure who everyone admired for never showing any weakness despite my difficult childhood. Balancing all of these identities was exhausting because I realized that I was putting on a show for people around me.

Now, I'm not doing any of those things. I'm taking it slow, trying to figure out who I really am after a nonexistant childhood and a fresh adulthood that was pure theatre. Still, I get frustrated because I'm not used to thinking about these things or trying to be very insightful. I don't know how long it will take to get to the point where I am completely comfortable being myself no matter where I am, but I'm working in that direction. I have to know and understand myself before I can feel comfortable with myself and that's what I hope to be able to do... hopefully, I don't get lost on the way.
ShadowMonster ShadowMonster
22-25, F
May 11, 2012