Retired and Alone

For most of my life, I have always put others first.  I don't mean it was anything causing me to feel sacrificial, it just always seemed to be the right thing to do. 

At the age of 18, I joined the army as a private.  My paycheck grossed $78.00 per month, but I still sent $25.00 a month home to my mom and dad.

When I got out of the army I went back to college.  I met this beautiful woman, fell and love, and before I could get through my first year of school, she became pregnant.  Believe it or not, it was the first time I ever made love to any one and it was my 21st birthday!

You see, I was the youngest of 4 boys.  My dad was very religious and taught his boys to be very respectful of woman.  It's not that I didn't have any opportunities, when I was younger, it's just that as much as I would like to have made love to a girl, whenever it got close to happening, I would get very scared and it would not go any further. 

So, when my girlfriend in college got pregnant, I married her as quickly as we could get a license. Unfortunately, it was not my new wife's first time, and she didn't have the same "reverence" for sex as me.

About 18 months after we were married, I went to 2 week summer camp for the army and she spent the time with me cousin, after arranging for my parents to babysit our daughter on the weekends. We divorced 2 kids and 8 years later after her behavior didn't change.  I had sole custody of my children in exchange for promising to not ask for child support. 

While raising my kids alone, my dad died and I took my mother in to take care of.  She was a little Italian lady that my dad took care of.  She never drove, wrote a check, learned to swim, ride a bike etc.  She just took care of my dad. 

Twenty three years later, my kids are all grown and married, my mom has passed away and I am all alone.  Sadly, I have nothing left to give and have no one other than my children and grandchildren to give to.

I can tell when everything is going well in my family.  I don't get any phone calls.  It's sad, but it seems that my children only think to call me when they need something.

Sometimes just going to a movie or out to dinner with someone would be nice.  I don't no what I expected my last years to be like, but it wasn't this. 

Maybe, I should just be content for those days the phone don't ring......


RJBattis RJBattis
2 Responses Feb 25, 2009

I, too, am alone. Married my high school sweetheart and had two beautiful sons, who are married. I have two grandchildren and a great grandchild. I retired last year and am so alone. It seems like everyone in is a family except me. My ex and I were married 27 years and he is on his third marriage. I got the divorce on grounds of his infidelity. I've been single for almost twenty years. After the divorce I poured myself into my work. Now, I am just wondering what to do next. Spent my whole life taking care of my family and now there's no one who lives near to me. I have church friends, but it's not the same as having a family to see daily. Hope you are better now. Your post was a year ago. If you have gotten past your hard time please respond with your experience, strength and hope. MC

This letter is a bit old but it has so many of my feelings that I just had to write. I am female age 60 and that is the only difference we have. Its very hard to get older and to feel like you are alone after youve spent your life giving and giving. I am working hard to do things for myself that I always did for others and to treat myself as special and not forget that I to deserve a happy and full life. Thank you for you heartfelt letter.