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My Insecurities Are Ruining My Life

I'm insecure about several things, but the biggest insecurity I have by far is being in a relationship. I've been cheated on before, so now I'm always scared they're going to leave or cheat. I'm fine when I'm with current boyfriend, but when I'm not with him, I start to get paranoid and start coming up with all kinds of possible scenarios of what he could be doing at that moment. My anxiety rises. I can't eat or concentrate at work. I started chain smoking too. I even get scared when I'm not in the same room with him and I start wondering if he's chatting with another girl or something. I've lost 10 pounds already since I've started seeing him because of this. If I'm not careful, I could even lose my job, which I really hope does not happen. He's a great guy and I just want the insecurities to go away. Not only for the sake of the relationship, but for my sake.
billowmight33 billowmight33 26-30, F 10 Responses Sep 8, 2011

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I am also insecure about my relationship, but I am also insecure about my body. I feel so insecure about my body that sometimes I want to just hide myself from people that may judge me on looks so I keep to myself and because I got teased I have issues with myself and I have so little trust in people, I have put all my trust in one person and that person betrayed me and me being forgiving I put my trust in another person and the same thing happened again so I really trust no one not even my parents I trust them not to tell my worries to someone or the other parent and they do. I realized that the only person I can trust is myself and that is it

Wow, and I thought my ex had a problem with trust.

Dear, I would like to say something its very hard to follow but its not impossible.Everything happens for our own good, Always remember happiness attracts happiness, love everything about yourself and just say this line"You are the most luckiest and most wanted,Thank God, you have a new life,a new opportunity to meet thousands of people and find a new one whom u can be connected and become soulmate one day!!!! So, why fear when everyone is there with you.All the best and keep on smiling,

Let me give you this mind blowing quote. Short and simple.<br />
"Life is all about risks, and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever."

i have been cheated on in every relationship that i have been in. i have only really had maybe 2 "serious": relationships and in both i had been cheated on. i know that i dont deserve that so i left the people. my most recent relationship i was cheated on multiple times and we worked things out. i was and still am very fearful in being cheated on but you have to take a risk when it comes to love. you cant live your life with "what ifs" one day you will find someone just like i did that will understand you and love you for who you are and will respect you enough to never do that! i can gaurentee that. (:

Sweetheart, people like you make me roll my eyes. You're probably white, you're supposed to be happy. I'm black and i've been insecure my whole life. You're the beautiful one, make your life something and stop whining.

I have been "cheated on" before, both in a marriage and in a relationship. <br />
<br />
If your partner leads you to believe through his...or her... words and actions that you are in a monogamous relationship, then being with some one else in a sexual manner or even a date, can be considered "cheating".<br />
But lets not get carried away with the males being the ones who cheat. It has been an activity that both males and females participate in for a long time. I think that women just talk more openly about being cheated on....guys don't want other men to know.<br />
<br />
A large number of people pretend to be someone they are not at the beginning of a relationship, yes I know we will all be at our best but this, but being a totally opposite person because you think that is what he or she wants just doesn't last. Then, they wonder why their partner is no longer attracted to them when their true personality etc shows through. Or you wonder if they are cheating on you because they have changed so much. When in truth they were cheating at the start, by pretending to be some one they were not.<br />
<br />
I found during therapy that one of the reasons your partner will stray is your lack of self confidence.<br />
It is hard on your partner to deal with in many ways. They want to have their time with a partner who is comfortable and at ease with themselves. Not one they have to motivate and compliment constantly so that they will feel good about themselves.<br />
<br />
Another thing is loving yourself...and yes I know you have heard that before. But it is so true.<br />
<br />
Do some lists...write all the things you love about yourself...then the things you like and then what you don't like.....<br />
If your own " what I love about me" list is small, how can you expect someone else to write a large list of what they love about you. <br />
Worrying yourself sick over whether they are cheating or not will not do you any good...or them.<br />
If your intuition is telling you they are, then they more than likely are.<br />
<br />
You need to take some time out and find you. Find out what you like about yourself and build on that. Find out what you don't like and change it.<br />
Work on your self confidence and your own self image. When you love yourself and have self confidence you are more likely to attract some one who will love you also and want to stay with you.<br />
<br />
Note of caution...Love is a much overused word.... people use it to describe every thing they "Like", from chocolate biscuits, babies, friends, family etc etc.<br />
In the early stages of a relationship there is attraction, Chemical reaction, lust. <br />
What you need to build on are the things that will last longer for instance friendship and common interests and above all...communication...<br />
<br />
I'm still working on me, I won't enter another relationship until I feel happy enough with myself first.<br />
<br />
Lack of confidence, poor self image, fear anxiety and a lot of other things you have mentioned...could mean that you are a Highly sensitive person. I would recommend that you read The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. it is a book recommended to me by my therapist and I think you will learn a lot about yourself and learn to appreciate yourself from reading it...I know I am...

Ive been known too step out and look for better cause I would just settle and it was what I liked or wanted orneeded or deserved I can say at almost all times I let all the people know what they were dealing with so I didnt have too sneak and lie I know and suggest that from now on if I even feel any little RED flags that this aint what you wanted then I would not get serious with it cause I do takr all relationships serious escspecially my lovers husband past except or women lovers into the past and future

Since the vast majority of men cheat on their wives after five years of marriage, according to numerous studies done since WWII, and since most guys do not consider a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship to be as binding as a marriage, it is not surprising that you had the experience of a boyfriend cheating on you, nor is it surprising that you would be more cautious now. Generally, we tend to get more cautious about extending our trust as we have more life experience. Most young people extend trust way too easily, often ba<x>sed on their feelings of attraction. Only time and experience with a person can give you any idea of how easily that person can be trusted. And nothing is for certain; falling in love and acting on those feelings is a huge risk, no matter what.<br />
<br />
Understand that affection or love are not the same thing as trust. When we feel affection for someone that doesn't automatically mean we have to trust that person. Trust is something we allow a person to earn from us over a significant period of time. Attraction can happen in seconds. Affection can happen in minutes. But trust takes more time. It is not a gift we hand out automatically. Maybe you are learning that.<br />
<br />
Remember, if he IS cheating, or flirting, or whatever you fear, there is really nothing much you can do about it. Driving yourself crazy about what he is doing when you are not watching will not help the situation or make him less likely to cheat.<br />
<br />
Instead of worrying and fretting, why not decide to be observant about him, as if you were a detective doing a background check? Just observe him when you are together and slowly decide how much trust to grant him. And use your instincts to figure out how he is likely to act when you are not there. If you get to know him, and if you observe him carefully, you will have a pretty good idea of what he is likely to do or not do. If you feel you need more information, talk to his previous women and see what they might tell you. Playing around, lying and cheatin are part of a pattern of behavior and if he is the kind of guy who does a lot of this, his previous women will know about it.<br />
<br />
And--I know I recommend this all the time--please read my all time favorite non-fiction book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. This book explains how to avoid dangerous or bad people and it is a very empowering book. It is also a good read and you will not be bored. It is very important to learn to listen to your own good instincts.

I think this will further encourage the idea that men are sub-human animals incapable of knowing something as evolved as monogamy, and it'll either make the case worse, or make the OP feel unpleasant. Heh... going by a study from WWII isn't reliable. I mean, that was a completely different era where women were seen as ditzy sex toys and only had two roles: women and wife. "Got tired of your wife? Go look for a woman and feel young again!"

Anyway, I think it all depends on the individual. I'd LIKE to think men are human and have diverse characters and standards. But then again, I have had arguments with guys who wanted to believe there was really nothing more to them than their penises.

So why not just close the case and leave it at that?

Cause they get ANGRY and retort whenever you say it so bluntly. xD

So something's gotta give....

I said "studies done since WWII." I referred to many studies done over decades SINCE WWII; example, The Kinsey Report (done shortly after WWII), the Hite Report (done in the late 70s), and all of the numerous surveys done by Gallup and Roper over the years. The fact us that young women take their relationships very, very seriously while most young guys do not. Facing these facts doesn't have to make anyone miserable. And it doesn't mean that men are "sub-human," just all too human. Actually, back in the 1950s when I grew up, very few men would consider leaving their wife for another woman. Today, this kind of thing is actually more common.

Hi billowmight33,<br />
<br />
I know what I'm going to say here might seem a bit radical to you, but what you have to learn is that this problem is all about you and your perception of yourself and your perception of the world around you.<br />
<br />
You're saying to yourself, "he did this to me, he cheated on me".<br />
You need to just let go of the idea that he "did this to you" and you were "cheated on". <br />
He didn't do it to you, he did it for himself. <br />
You didn't like what he did, so you are no longer in a relationship with him.<br />
Simple as that.<br />
<br />
Your current boyfriend is a different person than your ex until proven otherwise.<br />
<br />
The other thing for you to think about is that all of this revolves around sex.<br />
How come people don't go around saying my boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on me because I told them they weren't supposed to eat ice cream and they went and ate ice cream behind my back.<br />
<br />
The reality is that sex is fun & pleasurable and men and women want to have it.<br />
<br />
Do you believe in yourself that you have the power to do and have anything you want in this world?<br />
Are you in touch with your own sexuality and understand how to really give and receive sexual pleasure?<br />
Do you have complete open communication with your boyfriend about sex?<br />
Do you have negative beliefs about sex or a negative attitude about sex?<br />
<br />
The answer to these questions has a lot to do with why you are so insecure about your relationships with men.<br />
<br />
Go get yourself the book called The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Kiesling.