My Insecurities,

That moment when you think to yourself, of how bad of a person you are, how you look, or every action you take. your surrounded with so much hate and anger, of how much you want to scream at the top of your lungs for help, but there's nobody there. You want someone to care for you, but at the same time you just want to be kept alone and not be bothered by nobody. For all those times you kept to yourself its so hard to depend or trust anybody, so by than the only person you know is yourself, so your empowered to only rely on nobody but you. Your scared deep inside that you will never be perfect but to only be known by imperfect. To waking up each morning and looking in that mirror and do nothing but cry, your ashamed of how you look,   so all you can do is cry. Your heart is bruised and your weakened to your soul, your feel pathetic, and useless like there's nothing you can do. People look at you like your an attention seeker because of how you look, so you try to cover it up with a smile, and put on a play that your life is just all that great, but behind walls, you climb underneath that blanket of yours and cry, and just cry some more until you feel like you cant cry no more. so scared to trust, and to love, you feel uncomfortable. To the breaking point when you catch yourself hurting yourself, just wishing that all this tragedy would just stop, and you feel like no longer can you take this, so you do everything you can to just be gone, and it takes you the stage that scars you, and scars your heart, trapped in your mind that nothing matters, your tears don't mean nothing, your body doesn't feel nothing, you black out and don't realize what your doing until you see blood, just going down your arms, or not being able to see straight. You blame yourself for every bad that occurs. You believe that nobody can love you or accept you for who you are, and when that somebody does come you realize that your hurting that person because you wont allow them to love you, because your too afraid, of what happened to you when you were young, your scared that it will happen again, and you will relive that moment, your heart is scared, your mind is corrupted, and just wont allow you, so by than you realize that your life is ruined. So hard for you to stand up for yourself, and when people look at you, they don't realize the stages you have been through, and just how much it ruined your life, unforgiving and most importantly unforgettable, but rather they just want to judge you, and make fun of you. And at the end of the day you think that people just want to put you down so low until you get that heart sinking feeling, and you have to swallow, but sometime you just cant hold it in and you have to cry. People don't know what its like growing up in fear of yourself, and they wont ever, until they know the truth. 
calvinjames3 calvinjames3
18-21, F
1 Response Nov 8, 2012

focusing on activites OUTSIDE of yourself - gardening, dating, work, music - that all helps. Focus on yourself in small doses when at all possible. Best of Luck!