This Is Boring, and It Blows.

I'm sitting here, as always, alone. Te difference is, I'm waiting for a woman to call me back. I'm too old to play games. I stopped when I was like, eighteen. I didn't care anymore. If the truth won't get you hot baby, don't look to me for lies. And my truth, me, don't get chicks hot. That's my truth.

You ever make a decision early on in life, and it was the right thing to do, and still is, but you regret it anyway? Maybe I should have ****** the **** out of that eighteen-year-old, half-retarded girl when I had the chance. Maybe I should have done the same to that forty-year old cougar hottie who I let stay the night that time. Instead of being nice and considerate, cause she just got in a big fight ( physical) with her husband, and I was there, and all my friends, who knew I hadn't been laid in decades, told me to go after her, and she was a total ****, tell her to do it, and it's done. No, not me. I'm an *******. I'm worse than just annoying. I'm abrasively offensive. I tone it down here.

Funny thing is, I always know I can be an ******* if I want. And I do. On purpose. At the worst possible time. But I can't take advantage of a woman that way. I can't lie to get sex. I won't. And, I can't say I will, but I have turned it down when I saw a woman was impaired, in one way or another. I've hired a hooker. Once. And she was great, don't get me wrong. Best head I ever got. But it didn't do anything for me. I screwed her, and it ended. Pay for sex. I might as well have bought beer and Burger King. Or Taco Bell. But nothing goes with beer like Mcdonald's. It just seems to settle the stomach. Oh, the hooker, yeah.

I can't meet a decent woman who I like. I've tried, and tried. Well, not so much on the second tried. I don't talk much among new people. I tend to blend in. I don't call attention to myself, unless I've done something I consider truly great, and those things don't attract women. I'll admit, killing unwanted puppies with a hammer isn't much of a turn-on. No, I've never done that, but that's the kind of thing I get known for. Like showing up in a clown suit for someone's wedding. Yeah, that was me.

I really did that. It wasn't much fun considering I didn't get soused, and only stuck around long enough to get lectured by the in-laws ( Both sides, thank you.) about what a disgrace I was ( Cause I smelled like beer.) and how I ought to respect myself and others better. Not what I'd hoped it would be. That's life.

Tonight, this girl still won't call me. We have something set up for tomorrow, and here is my prophecy. Something will come up. She's busy with work. She's getting together with someone else, or her ex. In reality, it is the maker of the universe yet again smacking me in my face with my own inadeqacy ( Did I spell that right?) and non-importance. In other words, maybe, as long as you continue to be a ****, and prejudge everyone, and treat them like dirt, thou shalt not get laid?

**** God. In his many and Infinite orifices. Repeatedly and forcibly. I haven't seen too much of him, and probably more than most. I'm sure there are millions of virgins screaming out the same request, some older than I. I take a look at my life, social circle, ( What social circle.....Ha Ha.) living situation ( which could be better in a third world country), and finally me. The one thing I can change.

Under close scrutiny, I see I am a mass of experiences, reactions, actions, and emotions. Mostly fear, hate, more fear, more hate, a little love, and then just think of every negative emotion you've ever felt. Oh, I forgot humiliation. And I will continue to, as long as I can. I only face that **** when I have to. I'm probably insane. Either that, or I'm so ******* sane it'd blow your mind. The thing that makes me crazy is love.

Love for me is pain, suspicion, self-hate, and so much more. But I do it all for the one I love. Probably cause love feels kind of good. Plus, I'm usually getting laid. That is my end-all, be-all. I need to have sex. I've always felt this, it's not just a middle-age thing. My middle-age thing is having children. Does love mean children? No. Not for me. Do children mean love? For me yes. I will do just about whatever it takes to keep MY family together, once I have chosen the woman I want to have my children.

Yeah, I have chosen. But she's still only in my mind. And she doesn't care how much I drink. My last girlfriend was in 2008. I haven't gotten laid ( And Not For Lack Of Trying!!!) since 2001. I am not a very happy man. **** you, and I hope your mom dies of syphilis.

Socklord Socklord
31-35, M
6 Responses Mar 20, 2009

Hey Sock, y know i have a soft spot for ya. And I'm glad ya got some of it out. I really hate to hear ya felin so ****** - and NO i'm not pitying you.<br />
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The business at hand?: Hun, I'm worried your bitterness will harden you & eat you up and only make your current situation get worse & worse. What kind of life is that for you? Get yourself to AA, find the good stuff in life again. I wager that all the crap in your head & heart - are attracting all the same from the world. Clean that out a bit? and I bet the good things will have room to come get ya. Some counseling wouldn't hurt either -- I know I know people hate the stigma - especially you fellas of the male persuasion...but, what have ya got to lose att this point? Do something better for yoursef & I pray for your willingness & for better days from that same God up there with sore orifices, k? He's hurting to see you hurting, but people have to be willing to try something different to get different results.<br />
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ok, ok u can yell at me now - i still luv ya**

No. She hasn't. I didn't call her either. Last I heard she'd " call me later", all pissed off. Such is life. And Love? What's that? No, I've loved women, love some of them still. Much good it's done me. Well, I appreciate your kind thoughts, but please remember, while your sympathy and empathy are welcome, your pity is not. I would rather be gang-raped by donkeys ( In the ear!) than take a drop of pity. Keep on kickin ***! Thanks.

What do you think this is? I don't do it for fun.

HECK! I couldn't stop laughing, how great that must have felt to yell out all that **** thats been inside, I wanted to get on and yell out everthing too!<br />
Bravo start a venting room!

Well, good. More power to you. But I wasn't stressing, I was just pissed. And to the contrary, looks do matter. Just like size.

Well now. Your story is very compelling. I gotcha beat though. I haven't been with anyone since 1998. It's by choice. I get "chased" and I don't turn and catch the one doing the chasing. To me it's just not worth it to get involved with someone. Reading your entry is the reason why. You are waiting on a call from a woman and you are stressing about whether or not she will call. I don't do that anymore cause I don't allow anyone to have that kind of control over me. In order to accomodate someone else most people will change who they are and how they act. They wil give up their identity and that's wrong. If you feel this woman i not really interested in you and will make an excuse about seeing you then why are you wasting your time still waiting to hear from her. Consider the goodness of the woman that you want to settle down with. That goodness should be the foundation of your plans and not her physical appearance. I suppose you probably thought you'd upset people with your personal attacks and some you definitely will but since you don't address anyone in particular it's not personal. You're venting and needing attention whether it's negative or positive. I have made the choice to be alone and not deal with the lies, deception, and cruelty that's rampant in society. I'm content with my choice and I don't have anyone else's baggage on my shoulders and nobody to cause me outside troubles and I don't have to accomodate or answer to anybody else. I live my life as I choose and I do as I please and there's nobody to say hey what about ME. It took me a while to get to this point and I won't go back to dealing with the way things were ever again. Solitude is my strength and peace is my power.