Recently Separated

after reading so many stories, i've decided to share...i recently separated from my wife because i couldnt stand cheating on her anymore. i couldnt stand the lies...she loves me so much...if i cant love her back, she deserves to be with someone that can make her happy....i have 2 girls...its try so hard to protect them, from the mistakes that your parents made with you and now i feel like i've failed them. i have this planet of guilt and i can't forgive myself for all the pain i've caused them and my ex, with this breakup. please help me get through the day...
nbt69 nbt69
41-45, M
7 Responses Sep 21, 2012

grief is a difficult road to travel. if you havent had to walk it, you are truely blessed. right now, i find myself between despair and acceptance - moving back and forth; back and forth. and i will reach my destination of healing - i have to. if all of this and what i did has to be for something greater, i have to get there. and, its the journey and not the destination that makes it worthwhile. i am finding out who i am - slowly, but surely. that boy, so afraid of not being loved, who felt so responsible for his parents unhappy marriage, but that boy capable of love and deserving of love. now i have to learn to love myself despite what i did to my wife and children. thats where i am on this lonely road.

i go for weekly counselling. its been hard; always so emotional. it is said, one has to feel it to heal it. i'm taking small steps; like learning to walk again. i've had to acknowledge the person i had become; the person that cared for no one else but himself, his own self-gratification, the person that put his family aside, the family that trusted him to keep them safe; that awful, narcissistic, self-indulgent beast - me. i took a long hard look at that person and i know now, i don't want to be that person anymore. but them who am i? i couldn't answer that question because i don't know who i am. i had given in to every request for senseless validation and ignored that voice that tells you who you are, that tells you what you should and should not do. i have to rebuild myself. to be that person that i want to be. the person that the children can look up to and say proudly that that's their dad.

today was the first day in the rented apartment. i just got back from the road. most of the time was spent cleaning the place and making it "mine" as much as possible. i picked up my daughter from sports. it was so good to see her. i said how i missed her. she missed me too. in a relationship, you assume so many things; take so many things for granted. you never say all the things to your partner that you should. you assume that your partner knows. i realised this today. i had to ask to enter my own home. why is this happening? my kids need tuck them in bed at night, to listen to their school home reader books, to kiss them good night, to tell them i love them, to protect them from all the harm in the world. what happened to that man?

i think about my ex...about how she's coping with all of this. she has a good network of support from friends and family. i'm trying to do this on my own but it's not easy. i sent her an email trying to reach out. i think she thinks the best coping mechanism is detachment.

<p>i've been waking up at night-doesnt matter what time i sleep. i keep a journal close now. i record what's in my mind at my lowest times. <br />
i travel a lot for work. i shall be returning soon after a business trip to an empty rented apartment and i am having panic attacks about how i will not cope with not seeing the kids everyday. i can only imagine what is going on in their minds....has daddy abandoned us? no, no, no...this cannot be happening! how did i get here?! how did i arrive at this dark and lonely place where i have to ask permission to enter my home, to see my kids. i call them everyday on the road and tell them how much i love them. they seem more and more distant on the phone. i feel i am losing them each day and i don't know what to do. is this pain in my chest, my heart physically breaking?</P>

how do you know when you're ready to move on? how does one learn to forgive oneself? do you look in the mirror and utter the words, "i forgive you?" i seem stuck in despair and i can't seem to get away from this guilt....

I know its an old cliche but it gets better, whilst my story is perhaps a little different to yours i understand only too well your feelings of guilt and sense of failure. You sound like a good man and ultimately you have left your Wife for the right reasons, your infidelity is like a cancer that eats away at the both of you, so whilst she may not see it for sometime you ( by your actions) have set her free from further pain. Try to learn to forgive yourself and do whats right financially and emotionally by your Wife. Above all reserve your best efforts at proving to your girls you are still their Dad. Drop me a line if you need to talk :)

thank you for your kind words. you're right; my infidelity is like a cancer that killed our marriage and i have to live with that and try to forgive myself for all the hurt that i've caused her and my kids. i am trying to learn how to have some self-worth. i am not sure i ever did-which was why i behaved that way. i just don't know how to start....

Regardless of how you feel now ( let me guess?- like crap?) you must regain your self worth, primarily because you are a father and regardless of what you have done, you have a responsibility to your children and your wife. You can't change whats happened, I'm guessing you would if you could? but you can effect what happens now. My advice would be to concentrate on the basics, it sounds silly but eat, sleep, keep yourself clean and tidy and try and stay off the booze ( i didn't). Accept that you can't protect your children from whats happened but try and work with your Wife ( easier said than done) to limited the damage your actions have caused. You are a man NB and Its time to step up and act like one, and i have no doubt you will mate :)