My Marriage Is Over, Still Finding It Hard.

Hi everyone,

I have been married for 27 years, and we were together for 30. My husband and I have been separated since Nov 22/12. The tricky part was that I had to stay in the house until I could move out. We even slept in the same bed. It really was not any different then before the decision was made to separate.
Our marriage has been pretty well sexless for the past 2 years. I know it has been hard on my husband, because he told me that he relates sex with being loved. I know that I have not helped the situation either, I had a complete hysterectomy when I was 27. Since then I have gone through a lot of changes, mentally and physically. I have not felt like a women for a very long time. I was on hormone therapy, and after 10 to 15 years my Dr. took me off the hormones. I have since started the hot flashes, the night sweats, and a dried vagina. When my husband and I tried to have sex it would be very painful. So we tried all kinds of lubes, and my husband just said that it did not feel the same. Another thing that changed our lives was, we both had gastric bypass surgery in 2009 and we both are now at our goal weights. When I met my husband he was almost 300 lbs. and he was fat all the time. Now he is skinny and really good looking. He was good looking before, but he was fat. I accepted him for him. When I totally moved out of the house on Dec 27/12 my husband sent me a text saying that he was going to meet someone for a coffee. It wasn't even 24 hours he had the guys from work set him up with someone. That really hurt me. But as my husband says, it was me that chose to leave the marriage and he does not want to be alone for the rest of his life. We tried to keep everything amicable, so we were chatting on facebook. When we chatted about his meeting with her, he was so surprised that she is very much like me. My name has 6 letters in it starting with Li, and so does she. I'm a PSW by trade, and so is she, I drive ford focus, so does she, I have big brown eyes, that my husband says he loved to death, and so does she. I hope that he is not continuing to see her because she reminds him of me. My husband says that he still loves me, and I him, however we are no longer in love. That is the big difference. I have left the city I lived in, left my house, left my job, left my friends and hobbies that we shared. For my husband nothing has changed other then I am no longer in the house, and he has a replacement for me. I want to be happy for him, but it's very hard. He will be able to start a new relationship with someone and have the sex to along with that, however, I will not. That is very scary for me. Now that I have my new body, men are interested in me. But I am very afraid of getting involved because of my lack of sex urges. And I know that my marriage was not healthy either. My husband is very controlling, to the point of having to put toilet paper on the roll his way. He would tell me how to do everything, and I never was allowed to have friends, he was my best friend. We did everything together. So now I have lost my husband and my friend. I'm finding this very hard. I am trying to move on, cause now I know that this new lady in his life is the one he will want to control. Things may be good for awhile for them, but it will get bad later. I hope for her that my husband has learned from his mistakes with me. Well that is not my concern. I am a person that does not like to be alone, I have never been alone ever in my life. This is the first time ever at 48 that I can do, say, read, watch, listen, drive my car the way I want to do it. I'm lost, I don't know what to do with myself. I am house sitting for a family member right now for the next 4 months, so I have a place to stay, and really don't need to rush out and get a job. This will give me the time to fix myself. WHAT do I do. I have joined a dart league, and Wed night will be my first night. That is scary. I have never gone anywhere without my husband. This is going to be strange. I know I have to get out there. But it still is not easy. I wanted to write this down and share it with others so I can begin my healing. I have been journaling as well. I have been trying to meditate to clear my mind. I know it is not healthy to think about what happened in our marriage, who did what and who said what. I have to get that out of my mind and move on. Thanks for reading.
js4liz js4liz
46-50, F
4 Responses Jan 6, 2013

Thank you form sharing your story. I feel hour husband's choice to date so soon after the separation will end up hurting him in the long run. Be smart and wait a bit. Take this time to heal as well as examine what it is you really want for the rest of your life. In the meantime, use EP as a form of therapy to help with the healing process.

You are right, this will hurt him in the long run. I know that he is with her as a diversion so he does not have to deal with his feelings at this time. I do plan to take all the time in the world to figure out what I want to do. And I will come to EP for therapy. Thanks for sharing with me.

Thank you for sharing your story. It only gets better from here! You and him will have different lives, you should let go of the past and look ahead. Good luck!

thanks for the wonderful words of encouragement. Trying to let go of the past is very hard, that is all that I know. I'm so used to being controlled that it is complicated for me to do what ever I want. I'm so used to being told what to do and how to do it. I pray and meditate every day trying to move on by myself.

I am so sorry this is so hard on you. I don't know what else to say except I will pray for you!

thank you so very much, it's always good to be in peoples prayers.

Wow. I can relate. In October I separated from my husband of 31 years. My first post on EP was made in September when I was at an all time 'low' in my life. The decision to separate was very difficult. I still don't know if I did the right thing. My plan was to get out of an unhappy, miserable marriage and household with the hopes to reconcile. I left him in our family home that we lived in for 25 years and I have a small apartment. I just had to escape and I pray that God will lead me. I have been doing a lot of 'self-help' reading and have decided to put God first in my life. I have been a Christian but I think I put everything in my life before God. After much soul-searching, I am feeling more at peace with God. I know that God will lead me in the right direction and I must be patient. In the meantime, I have spoken to my husband a handful of times. It has been awkward and difficult. He has not been willing to talk about our problems. He is very angry and resentful that I left. The funny thing is, the last year and a half we were together we barely spoke and there was no intimacy. We slept in the same bed but never touched. It was a very lonely life. I am still lonely but with God, I am not alone. I made so many mistakes in our marriage. I enabled my husband to work and not have any responsibility at home. He did not help raise our 3 children(at least not in the way a real father should). I put my children first in my life and that wrecked our marriage. I have since learned that God should be first, the marriage second, the children third and so on....This is hard for me because I cherish my children. But my children are not my God. My husband is not a bad person. He is quite likable and was the 'fun to be with' person in our relationship. I have a difficult time making friends and I am more introspective and introverted. Unfortunately, we both went down a destructive path in our relationship. Our priorities were our downfall. It would be easier if we could start over with the knowledge I now have about relationships....but that is not to be.