Seperated From The Love Of My Life

I've been separated from my child's father for 2 & 1/2 months now. At first it was very difficult. Quite frankly I can't remember the beginning of the separation. Maybe because I don't want to remember. I couldn't cry about it until now. I got on my knees yesterday and prayed with aLL I had in my heart. Then this morning as I was pouring fruitloops for our daughter I started to sob. I couldn't control it. I went to the room to cry because I didn't want to scare my daughter. She's only 20 months. I felt so.relieved. the weird thing is I have cried long like that before & have had massive head aches. But this time I have nothing. I feel like it was what I needed. The cry for all the hurt. I feel like I'm going to start crying more often now that I have opened that window in my heart. He is the love of my life. I feel it. I'm not the type of women who becomes separated and looks for a man. I don't believe you necessarily need someone like that. I feel like I need to focus on getting my life together. Such as getting my own place & raising my.daughter. she has helped out so much. She is beautiful and such a happy child. I feel in my heart that we are meant to be together. He wasn't my first anything so with that said I've been in relationships before
I don't feel that just because you have a child with someone you feel like you are going to love them forever or feel like you're meant to be. Alot of people remarry & have children and move on. I know with time I will feel better on not so hurt. Lately I have ok days. I walk alot with my daughter. And by the end of the night I'm ok. I had a dream with him last night that I was hugging him. I missed that. & I woke up fine. Not as tired as I have been. You know.that depressed sleep. U get all ur hours but you are still so tired. Anyway I woke up fine & then I blinked and I saw my dream. I completely for got I dreamed about him. And I.think it triggered everything I had been building up & couldn't cry. Today is Friday and he has our daughter on the weekend. I want one last hug from him today. I miss him. And I miss him coming home and having dinner ready for him. Anyone in my position or have passed it. Any advice would help.
cherryslady cherryslady
3 Responses Jan 18, 2013

I struggle too. I have been separated from my spouse for about a year. He attempted a false reconcilliation over the holidays and I finally learned he has been cheating and it's really....ugly. I too, struggle with holding on to my images of who he was-I thought-and what we had-I thought. These websites help and they help with my trying not to contact him. One thing he does is say "I don't have love for you", then he writes later and says he was an a...I am in basically the same position, craving intimacy and family times. He used to call every day at 4:15 to say he was on his way home and every day at that time, I cry.

Sometimes I liight a candle then, like for my dog who died last year. Or I go in the jet tub because I find comfort there, while I can still live in the house. I have a daughter as well, she is ten and doesn't know how to be around him. She craves him, his attention and doesn't yet see him as a narcissist and it hurts me when he shrugs her off. I have nightmares and day visions of the cheating an have have had dreams and visions of him. I have a relative whose young wife died tragically and the little daughter has been diagnosed with this also, they think she dreams of the mom, she laughs and cries in her sleep, she is four. I think it is a symptom of the grief and mourning period we must endure.

One thing I do is make nice dinners for my daughter, her favorites, and I bake with her and play. When she goes with him, I go to errands and relatives visiting and sometimes buy something inexpensive just for me. Any self-pampering I can do while she is gone with him I do and sometimes I don't answer if they contact me, because I think they take me for granted. Sorry to be so long, there's lots to say.

One really hard thing is he doesn't want our daughter to know the full extent of what he is doing, but now I find I can hardly be in the same room when he visits her, knowing the liar he is.

Thank you for listening and for any coping ideas, as well as ideas on continuing no contact.

Yes, to YB01, the easier days are drama free without him around, but putting away who he was in my heart is easier to think than to do.

Suggest you go alone...for your sanity

Are you willing to see a counsellor....they may give you grief counselling that might help.

Be well

Yes I am. & we were supposed to see one together but unless I got the help he wouldn't look.