How Do I Find Myself

Its been almost a month and I have sacrificed me for him... I do not know how to find who I am.... I recently heard on the radio: look in the mirror... do you know who you are and want you want?????

volley505 volley505
31-35, F
1 Response Feb 28, 2010

I get it and you are not alone I am lost. My hub of 15 yrs has turned into a workaholic. I'm sorry if that seems uncaring or people will think at least he works but that is ALL he does ,he no longer finds any joy with the kids and myself , when he IS home which is almost never he is not there , I have felt like a piece of furniture now for four years and I was not raised to be that person. I am a shadow of him . I put myself thru college after being in an abusive household for the whole of my childhood so I would never have to be that dependent as my mom on a man. And now I am that person. <br />
To make matters worse he moved us to a place 11/2 hrs away from my job (owned a DJ company in Philly ) and no one likes me here as I am not a helicopter mom;. I believe my children need to llearn by doing and seeing how to fall and get back up. I am always there with love and kisses but they must learn they are teens btw not toddlers . Well my youngest is five so yeah I watch him a bit more closely. My kids HAVE NO FRIENDS, I have no one NO ONE to even grab a cup of coffee with and the man who made those vows can only say HEY i'M DOING my bestl Dear Me who am I?? It is really time to find out , I can no longer worry about how his career is going , it is my turn and he had a chance to walk with me but thinks I'm just depressed and should see a shrink when asked if he would join me he stated that he won't because THEY WOULD BLAME EVERYTHING ON HIM? Think he may know that he's not being such a great hub or dad job if that is what is worrying him?? He made a promise to me a long time ago that if ever we should have this kind of bad patch or issues we could not figure out that we would do everything to fix it ,anything, counceling , our church, pull out all the stops , if we still could not make it work then we could end saying we did ALL WE COULD and move on much easier. But , now he says you go and then when your "{better" then we'll go . Another one bites the dust. <br />
So I layed the cards out I have no job , no forseeable future but it seems so much more bright than one more SECOND of living under someone's thumbl. Who am I , a fighter , a mother who wants her kids to be proud of her not have thier father make her look unstable because he did not keep up his end of the bargain; I'm scared are you?this is going to be so hard but at least if I get out now while Im still not hard on the eyes I might have a fighting chance at finding someone I can work with not someone who feels that they get to call all the shots .