New "home"

Three months ago, I lost my best friend and "partner-in-crime" (haha~after numerous adventures together, this is what we jokingly refered to one another) after a 2 year battle with leukemia. As of March 2010, our journey included numerous chemotherapy and radiation treatments, two transplants, one relapse, and several close calls. In addition to all the medical stuff, we also had to relocate after his first transplant failed and he relapsed. We left our first "home" together in the area where we met/fell in love/got married in to he city where the transplant center is. By this time, we were hopeful, given his progress and getting excited about his recovery. All was wonderful so we started looking toward the distant future again and decided to move into a more affordable apartment in our new city so that we could start rebuilding our lives~this was supposed to be our new "home". One week after moving into our new loft, we got the news that "something" was wrong~a routine checkup/blood panel revealed several abnormalities, indicating a possible relapse. Within ten days, we knew he only had a few weeks to live. Unfortunately, we weren't lucky enough to get even a few weeks~he died at home 8 days after the doctor told us he was terminal.
Since his death, I have moved 3 more times trying to get myself into a place that I can afford on my own and feel somewhat comfortable (haha on both accounts). I finally moved into an apartment not too far from where I lived when he and I first met, with the hope being that this new place will have some permanence to it and I can begin making it "home". I have mixed feelings about the prospect. On one hand, it'll be nice to be surrounded by familiar things that aren't just stuffed in boxes; however, its difficult to convince my entire self that I am creating a "home" alone, without him here.
Before I met him, I spent 5 years moving constantly, never staying in one place for more than 6 months max. I never had a reason to stay put and loved my gypsy lifestyle. All that changed when we met, and shortly thereafter decided to move in together. The condo we leased became our first "home" and we lived there for almost 5 years, creating our own sanctuary piece by piece over time. It felt amazing to want to come home everyday to the same house I had lived in for years. I realized that behind the art/furniture we picked out together and the pictures we took that were hanging on the walls, it was the two of us that made it feel that way! Well, "us" doesn't exist any longer (at least in the present tense), so how can I even begin to make this my new "home"?
buddhaizzy buddhaizzy
26-30, F
Jul 20, 2010