Its Been A Year Now

I guess I am no longer 'recently' widowed. My Leah died one year and 3 weeks ago.  The one year anniversary was hard; I thought it would be just another day, but it turned out it was an emotional month. For the most part the pain was nothing that I hadn’t experienced already.  I just didn’t expect to feel it as hard as I did. I’ve been dealing with this for 12 months and since the pain has decreased every month I figured it would continue to do so. Duhh.
 I think back to the night I lost her. I remember we used to joke about how we would revive each other if one of us died – she would read me the penthouse letters, and I would put some popcorn in the microwave for her. The sound of popcorn used to always rouse her from a dead sleep. I never thought to try that.  I can imagine what the rescue squad would think, working away on her with the tubes and the CPR and defibrillator, while I step into the kitchen and put a bag of popcorn into the microwave. Its stupid to think about it, but I can’t help but wonder if it wouldn’t have called her back. And later at the hospital, after the doctor gave me her wedding ring and told me I could be with her as long as I wanted, I could only put my hand on her thigh.  I don’t know why I didn’t put my head on her chest. She had an occasional heart murmur, and she always said when I put my head on her chest it would calm her heartbeat, and I would lay there a long time while we breathed in harmony and her heartbeat became  strong and measured.  I should have laid my head on her chest. It would have made perfect sense if she had just woke up and said lets go home, I feel better now. I still believe in magic, and I still have those nights when I think she wasn’t really dead, and I could have done something to bring her back to me.
But the past is past, and here I am alone in this house, not really alone because the neighbors have become wonderful friends, and some coworkers have also stepped up and taken simple steps ( but heroic to me), and best of all my family, although not in this town, have forced themselves upon me, and all together they have saved my life. And several EP members also have been extremely kind and helpful – in fact I have met an EP woman with beautiful eyes and a big heart who has the patience to listen to me wallow on and on about Leah .
I had a performance review at work this week. I don’t put much stock in those things, in fact I didn’t do any prep work at all for it; I just figured I would show up and have a pleasant chat with my boss and then get back to work. When she said I had an excellent year I held it together for a few moments and then started crying.  She just handed me a box of tissues and said I’m not surprised.
 I can’t tell you how many times I doubted I would last a year.  There were mornings I couldn’t face the day and there were some evenings I tried to crawl into a bottle, and there were a few pitiful times I said take me Lord, cause there’s nothing for me here.  Of course it was mostly drama, but it was my drama and it certainly was painful at times.   Leah was always my champion and she would have loved to hear about my review and say see, I told you you were special, and I knew they would recognize it. She was incredible.
I will be OK, and continue to heal.
mergelayers mergelayers
51-55, M
4 Responses Sep 18, 2010

I to found the month leading up to the one year anniversary very hard each and every day of that month. I made it fine through thanksgiving,christmas, birthdays and our anniversary but I relived each and every day of that month after that I was back on my jounery forward. I still have days I cry and feel the lose why wondn't I he was my love my mate my friend and though one day I will see him again I still miss himdeath does not kill love, love kills death. We all think why did I not do this or I should have done this we all do the ifs but it was not up to us to begin with we could have not made any difference. Yes this site has helped many of us I am glad I found it and hope I can help those that come after me. <br />
Prayers goahead

Thank you all for helping. For listening and for your kind words. Its such a better world when we all help each other.

Though you are months ahead in your healing process from me, you seem to keep progressing toward at least a contented position. I find my work tends to keep the wheels turning in a forward motion for me, even though some days are definitely more difficult than other. Work is truly an evil necessity filling in when we don't even know we need it. Your work ethic also no doubt plays a part here in this last year's accomplishments. Even if we do not like our jobs, and would rather be doing something else, we continue to persevere.<br />
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It's amazing the "what ifs" we play out in our heads knowing in our hearts that we would never do less than was humanly possible to save our loved ones. <br />
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Leah definitely would have been proud of you.

You will be ok and you will continue to heal....................but this is a story for the mourning. Mourning itself has no directions and no one can experience what you are experiencing. It's a lonely trip. You are so lucky to have those willing to be with you through this. Hurrah for the beautiful eyed Eper with the big heart! She must be lovely!