I Lost My Wife Of Almost 14 Years

i'm 49 years old and i'm on ssd. we were married in 1998. her dad passed in 2002 and it triggered a deep depression in her. it led to her not only being on ssd but it also led to the first of a few suicide attempts. i knew her so well, i could always tell that  "something was going to happen". ironically, her being on psych meds saved her a couple times. her tolerence level for meds kept her from od'ing. insurance changes caused her med prices to be way out of our reach and she refused to take other meds. her mom passed in august of 2011. in our home and in her arms. i prepared for the worse. nothing happened. she did great. she accepted her moms death and seemed to move on. right before christmas, she suffered a severe panic attack and was hospitalized for a week in a psych unit because of her history. they released her and were confident that her suicide attempts were a thing of the past. she did well thru christmas but i saw a change in her. i begged her to go back on meds. she was convinced that they did nothing for her. i, on the other hand knew that the meds were what saved her life. she would not give in. on january 11, 2012 we were just sitting watching tv. my health issues were causing me discomfort so she told me to go lie down for a while. i was gone less than an hour. she hung herself. not only did i find her, i had to cut her down and attempt cpr. the first responders were there in minutes. i knew she was gone. she couldn't do what she wanted with meds, so, she found another way. i don't feel guilty, angry or responsible. i took care of my wife for a long time knowing what happened was always a possibility. i was suffering nightmares from her previous attempts already. i believe i suffer from ptsd from them. we have 3 children. all grown. i have a 24 year old daughter from a previous and two stepsons. 28 and 32. they know that we all did everything possible to help her. don't get me wrong please. we are all grieving. she was my soul mate, best friend, lover, mother of my children and my wife. i cry every day uncontrolably. i don't have a job to distract me. i left the home we lived in for obvious reasons. i feel like i'm lost. i don't know what to do with myself. i stay with my 77 year old father while i try to find a 1 bdrm. for me and my dog. i'm so thankful for my dog. i can't seem to get the horrible images out of my head. it bothers me so much that the last time my lips touched hers was to breath life into her instead of kissing her. i'm crying now thinking about it. people tell me that i'm strong and god only gives you what you can handle. i know they mean well, but they have no idea what i'm going thru.
donaldmyduck donaldmyduck
46-50
1 Response May 9, 2012

I am so sorry. I cant imagine what you are going through. The best thing right now is a combination of prayer and being present for your children. This is really hard...I am saying a prayer for you right now. God bless