My Beloved Pauley

NoApril 18 2012. Paul worked first shift, I worked 2nd. Paul went over to my daughters house to check on the house she had been having problems with an exboyfriend. He went around back because the front door was locked. He entered the house where Andy Powell was waiting, hiding behind a wall he attacked my Paul and murdered him. Then the coward went home and killed himself. The pain is horrible, I am alone and terrified. Theres no one to talk to. People ask if Im ok, but  I say yes, but what I want to do is scream No Im not ok. My Pauley is gone and I miss him so much and no one can bring him back. I try to act normal, do normal things, but everything reminds me of him. I drive and hes not sitting next to me, I try to sleep but hes not holding me. I eat alone because hes not here. Things will never be normal again. I dont know what my normal is now. I dont know how to live without him.
paulandkathy paulandkathy
3 Responses May 12, 2012

It look like my life may never be normal again too.. I miss him like crazy... He was my life now I'm all alone :(

I am also SO sorry for your loss. I also lost my dear Paul, of 41 years of marriage, on April 14, 2012 to a sudden without warning heart attack. He was a vibrant healthy "young" man. His death was not a violent one, and that must be awful having to deal with that in addition to his being gone from this earth and from your touch forever, but none the less my Paul is also gone forever from my side and from my touch. I also miss him more than any words can describe. What I find interesting is that all the negative thoughts and happenings from the past 41 years are now gone. All I can think of is the good things, which is good, I guess. I also find that the things that I found to be so important in my life when he was here, are now no longer of interest to me. For example, my one soap opera that I always watched, The Young and the Restless. I hardly ever missed watching it in the evening after it had been taped during the day; and now I could care less if I watch it or any T.V. for that matter. My Paul said when he was alive, " Why do you watch that? It just puts bad thoughts into your mind." Of course, I responded, "What? It does not!" But now looking back, I think he may have been right in saying so. In fact. I seem to find many things that he was right about, that at the moment, I couldn't see his point of view at all.

I am so sorry for your loss. The loss is just so senseless; I know you must hurt terribly. I can tell you from my own experience, its true that things will never be the same again. But for me there have been times when I was driving and I felt her next to me, and I've felt her laying in bed next to me, and I've seen her many times in my dreams, where the bond we have is still as strong as ever. I hope that as time passes your love for Pauley will nourish you and the memories of the time you had together will bring a smile to your face.