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Usually the beginning is the best way to start. I met my husband when I was 17 years old. We got married when I turned 21. We had 4 children together. I am 41 now. He passed away on June 1, 2012-he was only 48. Our life together had its good and bad, I guess as all marriges do. Im in so much pain and so confused I dont know what hurts most. The fact that hes gone or that I hate him so much for making go thru this alone. He was a very good man and very complicated aswell. He was good and bad towards me. I guess what Im trying to say is that he was in all abusive towards me. Now that he is gone I feel horribly relieved. 8-23-12 (I feel much better this morning) I had to leave yesterday because I could not control the tears. I have always been in control of my emotions but when I began to write it just became difficult. I had to leave. I went to the bay, we had stopped going to the beach many years ago, and I just dont know why? So many un-answered questions, I just dont want to know anymore, I dont want to ask anymore because I will never get answers. At the beach I noticed so many things had changed, the board walk that once was broken was repaired beautifully. The murals were painted people were out walking their dogs. I saw others jogging, others surfing, and well just everything felt calm. I set my blanket down opened my umbrella and began to speak to the Lord. I had been awake since 3 in the morning. I have to sleep on his side of the bed. Sleep is what I needed. Dont need meds, dont want them. I begged for tranquility, peace, my heart is in so much pain. I spoke for a long period of time, as if I were speaking to my child. I felt like a loon. But then I felt an overwhelming need to lie down and just fell asleep, there on the beach. I had never done that before. This is the first time that I allow myself to open up and write about what my day has been like. I try not remember the bad times, but I have already forgotten what the good times were like. Its as if he deleted everything, laughter, joking, chasing each other, well everything that makes you feel good inside and allows you to love that person so much more.