Who Am I?

My wife of over 30 yrs died suddenly about six weeks ago.  I have been taking a lot of meds to deal with the grief and I am sure that I would be non functional if it weren't for them.  In some moments of clarity, it occurs to me that people at my age can easily die without committing suicide.  Simply stop taking required medicine, stop eating correctly, and it would be over like a leaky ship with the pump turned off.  I feel that my wife and my marriage was a lot of what defined me.  I don't seem to have much interest in pursuing the things that used to interest me nor care about projects that I was involved with.  When I involve myself in these things now I can feel an empty void in my life.  I want to continue to live, but it is hard to be life affirming any more which is another matter altogether.  I am hoping that time will take care of the pain.  There is really nothing I can complain about, though.  I had a happy marriage right up to the day she died. Only a couple days before she died, she said she couldn't understand women who dreaded retiring and being with their husband all day because that was the thing she was looking forward to.   She didn't suffer a long illness.  I got much more from marriage than most people and certainly better than I deserved. 

Sometimes I feel like I need to move forward a bit, but then I feel like I am not even sure who I am since half of me is gone now.

Iusedto Iusedto
61-65, M
16 Responses Sep 6, 2008

This is exactly how I feel too.

lusedto....I definitely HEAR what you are saying and feel what you are feeling. Not quite 3 months ago, I lost my husband of 28 yrs. the day after our Anniversary. We had a good marriage and I feel like I don't want to go on without him, yet I know that I have no choice. God did not bless us with children and I am alone without family in this State. So, like you I am experiencing a great loss.

I just want to share a phrase with you that I heard recently.....I told someone I could not even walk....I was told you really don't have to think about putting one foot in front of the other....it just happens and then some day it will be second nature. About eating and medication....very important to do these things together! Taking medications and not eating properly can impair your health.

I am sorry for your loss and please know that I along with many others I am sure, understand your pain. God Bless you!

I didn't have such a long time with my husband, but a lot of what you say is the same for me. We did everything together, went everywhere together, now he gone and I'm lost. Nothing is the same, whatever you do, you want to turn around for his approval, but his not there. Hang in there, my husband died the 7th of April 2012, I'm still getting used to him being gone, but I also realise that I must proceed with my life, get a new hobby, fill my time somehow, but the main thing is to handle myself in such a way that he would have been proud of me, I think that is the most important thing to do...

I am so sorry that your wife has died. My husband died 7 months ago and I can share with you where you might find some hope and encouragement. There are probably several grief support groups near you. I tried 2 groups but didn't feel comfortable until I went to my 3rd group. It was there that I felt safe to talk about my horrible feelings and felt ok to cry. I couldn't really talk about these feelings without crying and I HATE for others to see me cry. I know you probably find it more difficult to express sad feelings and to cry because you are a guy but trust me, you need to grieve. It is the only way to move forward. Tears are healing. Even though they keep coming back, each time is a little farther apart and each bad day is followed by more "good" (no tears) days. Grief really is the price we pay for love. Your precious wife deserves all your love that is now expressed by your sorrow. I hope you find a place to share with others who are feeling the same sadness as you. You will learn that you are not going crazy and that you are having the same experiences as others who have experienced a loss. May God keep you in His care.

Totally understand I lost my wife in Feb this year and she also died unexpectedly it does leave a gaping hole and I cannot help or know how to fill it.This site is now keeping me occupied when the quietness of the night is here.All I can say they took the best and left us for some reason it is our goal to find the reason,but please take care of yourself in the memory of your wife

my friend loaned me "Aunt Mame" right after I lost my husband. i read children's books, cried a lot, alone, walked, walked, and walked because i could not breathe well. It has been 10 months ago; i miss my husband, but i need to move on, paying bills, working to make my living, joined some groups which i rarely attend (work schedule), and am trying to be sane as much as possible. i am certain this absolute stillness will be over, too...

i am sorry for lost when you was talking about your feeling i could feel your pain and hurt i know it to well i lost my husband of 29 years i don't know who i am without my soul mate this is hardest thing i have been through all i know sucide is not the way your wife would want you to live hold on to your memories take one day at a time

im so sorry for your lost,,, god it must have been a great marraige ,, to have someone to love you ,, to be with you ,,,, i would have given anything to have what you have ,,,,,,,, good luck and hope that everything works out for you

No getting over the loss is not the right phrase, but you can grow into other areas of focus. I lost my first wife when she was 24. Then 8 years later married a young widow. As a doubly widowed couple we have spent a great deal of time exploring the nature of our losses. <br />
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We both enjoy each other, and our lives that we have built together, yet we often remember that had our plans "A" held we never would have met.<br />
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There is a little meloncholoy when we note the lives that we led before our widowhood. You need only remember who you wish to be, and work to refine that personhood, focus on the work ahead of you more than the work that is complete.<br />
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I wish you purpose and fulfilment,<br />

I still hurt, but I am doing a lot better now. I laugh now and then, but not nearly as hard or as often as when my wife was alive. It is something you never really "get over" I guess.

I'm so sorry for you. I'm feeling your pain. My husband's been gone for almost 4 yrs. He was killed in a car accident at 47. The best way I can describe it is my balance is off because he is gone. He and I had just "kinda" planned what we'd do when we retired.<br />
Anyway I'm so sorry for you. I'm glad you have your son to keep you focused on the positive. I'm sure your wife is watching you and so proud that you are there for your son. You will get stonger in an independent way.<br />
God Bless You.<br />
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I share your feelings. My husband worked away from home a lot and I always thought I would be able to deal with death if it happened. I was wrong. There is no mobile in heaven or hell and non contact is final. The fact that the past was so good makes the present even harder to deal with. I feel like my right side has been severed from the rest of my body. Unless you've been through it you don't know.

so sorry for your loss, but thankful you had someone so wonderful to share your life with.

I am sorry about your pain.<br />
Those are two huge life altering changes to handle -- either one would be hard, but both at the same time. You are very strong.<br />
Accept that this is going to be a bad time. I don't know for how long, but you will start to have a good day now and then. And then there will be some better days. And then, hard as it is to picture now, you will find some happiness again. <br />
And if you chose to share the happiness at some point in time, that person will be very lucky.<br />
Peace and comfort to you -- Oh, and don't stop with the meds without checking with your dr. first. 'k?

Thank you for your responses. I am doing better now. I am still taking medicine, but I don't have the panic attacks that I was having. That was an unpleasant surprise, I did not know that would happen too. I tried a while ago to get off the anti anxiety meds but found that I was going back to sleeping only 3 or 4 hours a night, so I started taking them again. I have a nine year old special needs son (for those of you doing the math, we adopted him) and if it weren't for having to look after him, I don't know if I would have made it. We were living in the house where I am now because of her work. Since I would have to move and look after my son, I had to retire. I am moving to a different house and it is a bitter sweet event. My wife and I were so looking forward to doing this together. It is still difficult finding an identity without her and I felt that my job also defined me.

This makes me incredibly sad. And I'm so very sorry for your loss. You will find something that comforts you. And if you need someone to talk to there is never a lack of friends on EP. <br />
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