Died In His Sleep

I am recently widowed.  My husband passed a little over a month ago.  He was a diabetic and was on insulin.  He had recently lost his job and was going through a depression.  On that Wed. he spent the day with our daughter and grandson.  He took them to Mcdonald's for lunch, then he showed my 2 1/2 year old grandson how to shovel snow.  He than proceeded to chop wood for our wood stove.  After coming in for dinner, he took his insulin and never really ate his dinner.  He was acting strange, like his sugar was low.  I told him I would take hiim to the hospital. He refused and said he was just tired and wanted to sleep.  I should have taken him.  When I went to bed he was snoring, I told him to be quite and to quit snoring.  About 4 hours later I awoke and didn't hear anything.  I shook him and yelled his name.  I ran around to his side and he was face down and blue.  He had died in his sleep, he was only 47 years old.  We would have been married 28 years this May.  I keep thinking if only... but what good is that.  We have four children and 1 grandson.  I keep thinking that he is going to walk in the door any minute.  My grandson who lives with us, keeps telling me that papa is better, the doctors made him better.  He is only 3 and also does not understand.  It feels like life just stopped.  I have no future, he was my future, my life, my soul mate.  How do you get past it all?  When do you stop feeling like life is going on without you?  It feels so lonely. Like half of you is gone.  Everyone in the beginning is around, now where is everyone?  His friends are gone.  Couple we have known don't call anymore.  All that left is family.  And everyone says it will get easier with time. 

suzy710 suzy710
5 Responses Mar 2, 2009

I am writing this today because i am feeling heavy and want to vent off my pressure.<br />
This starts app. eight years back when I decided to give up the job and start my own business. Started this with full consent of my family. my family means my wife and my children.<br />
For this I took some money from my brother also and invested whatever I had. I worked hard day and night and ran this for five odd years with lot of ups and downs. Finally I had to close this off in 2007 due to financial crisis. I was totally ruined.<br />
I again started with the job at a very low level away from my family. We were facing lot of crisis but were contented(I feel so).My wife or children never complained for this.<br />
My daughter was in marriageable age and we arranged her marriage in 2009.This was responsibility every Indian parent has. I had to borrow money for this again.<br />
After one year of my daughter’s marriage my wife started showing the signs of sickness.Simultaniously I could get a better job.<br />
Now the real problem started. I was away on job, my son taking care of my wife. His carrier started spoiling. He is obedient type of child and has sacrificed a lot for his mother. my wife’s illness intensified and her kidney’s got affected. She had to hospitalize every two months. For last two years she was in hospital for more than six times. Hospitals are very expensive now days. Even we had sell our values for her treatment.<br />
At this point of time I realized the significance of relations. None of me or my wife’s brother or sister extended his hand to help us out rather all they cornered us and stopped talking even for the fear of we may ask some help. Only my daughter’s in laws were there with us all the times though this was a altogether new relationship.<br />
Finally after the battle of tow years we lost it and my wife also. She left us precisely on 18th March12.I do not say that I was ever a good husband but I loved her with all my soul. I was always honest to her. She was below average but as my true love.<br />
I am getting depressed day by day. My son has got a good job at Delhi and joined exactly after 22 days of his mothers death. He is working hard. My life has become a burden. I do not know what to do.I was always dependent on her. I wanted her company all the times. Even on official tours. I wanted her to be with me all the times, now.......I do not want to live further but for my children I have to.<br />
Today I feel I have killed my wife. Had I had not gone for business, she would have not faced the problem of money. She compromised a lot with me whole life but finally gave up. She has cheated upon me.

I lost my husband too in his sleep, went to sleep and just never woke up again. Brain anyurism (sp?). October 18, 2007. It doesn't get easier, just changes, different. Like I'm always waiting for him to come home and he doesn't. He was 58 at the time of his death and I am now 54. Grands, 4 sons, everyone's life goes on because they are still whole. We aren't whole anymore. There is a part missing, the best part for me and it will always be missing. I miss my husband every day. Think of him all the time. The worst is he's not here for me to whine to anymore. For me to talk to, bounce ideas off, get the boys going in the right direction. See his youngest graduate, see the granddaughter we're having in August, the list never ends. But, what can you do? You can't bring him back. In the end we will all face this loss. It's either him or me. As a couple one of you is going to go first and leave the other. The price of love. It's worth every thing I feel now to have been loved and to have loved the wonderful man and wonderful father who I married and who was my best friend, my lover, my world. Who didn't appreciate when he was here and wish with my whole heart I could talk to him again. But you go on and life goes on and you just keep going. It doesn't get better it gets different. You change, you adapt. You just aren't the same. How can you be? You feel like you are now only 1/2 of what you were. It's hard to find who you are when you were defined by who we were and now no more we. I pray. It's how I deal with it and wait until I see him again. I do believe I will see him again. But, I have children to finish raising and grandchildren who love and need me and for now that's enough for me to wake up and move in the morning.

I came across your post and feel for your loss. <br />
You were fortunate to have found a good man to share your life with and you must have rainbows full of good memories to recall. <br />
I am a spiritual person and believe that life is meant to enjoy and you have received the greatest enjoyment from your husband and little grandson. I know it's not going to be a smooth road.<br />
May your road be blessed with goodness and love from your children, grandson and us on EP

ah, Suzy, <br />
It doesn't get easier. It just moves forward. Your friends may just be feeling uncomfortable because they don't know what to say to you. I have encountered that reaction. Its not an easy one to deal with. I read a book someone gave me after John died. It was written by a Rabbi. It was a series of thoughts and comments dealing with the death of a loved one. Its rather blunt, but at the same time it got me to seeing that I was not alone in my grief. Others were out there too, grieving and needing comfort.<br />
Living When A Loved One Has Died by Earl Grollman<br />
I found it numbing.<br />
People don't know how to deal with death of a loved one. They learn it as time passes. <br />
When they say it will get better with time, they don't realize that its not that it gets better. You just learn to keep on living. There is nothing else to do. <br />
Would he not want that for you?<br />
I believe he would want you to find your way through your grief and learn to live again. <br />
<br />
I lost John to a pulmonary embolism that was directly related to an infection on his foot. I had tried to get him to go to a doctor to see about it, but he didn't like doctors or trust them because he had been a medic in the Navy. By the time he did go it was too late to save his leg. They amputated it to his knee on Thanksgiving Day. <br />
He was going to get a prosthetic, but just two days before he was to be fitted with his new leg, he died. Five months after losing his leg. The prolonged use of the wheelchair was a factor in the blood clot that formed during those months.<br />
I blamed myself for a long time. I don't anymore. Who could have known. He was just as responsible as I was.<br />
I still miss him terribly. It's lonely. I have come to many realizations due to our life together and have found I am not the same person I was before. <br />
He made me stronger than I used to be.<br />
I am more confident than ever before. <br />
I am more afraid of being alone than I was before.<br />
But I thank God, because I would not know these new things about me if he had not died. I hope that doesn't sound crude. I only mean that I am a better person for having had him in my life.<br />
He has given me the strength I need to live without him, even though I would rather not have had to. I see new paths and new possibilities in my life. I can do more for others than I ever could do before. I have a legacy to protect.<br />
You can do it to Suzy. I know you can. We can talk if you want. There is others in this group who will gladly help you through this time as well. Just send a message.<br />
Widowess and Lins will be good people to talk to.

The "time heals everything" line has become quite common in my life. All I know for sure is that if it ever does anything, it'll be a long time away. I lost the love of my life a little over a year ago and the pain hasn't remotely subsided, in fact it only seems to get worse. All I can say is do anything and everything you can to distract yourself. Read books, watch movies, spend time with friends or (if necessary) family. The only thing that offers me moderate peace is getting separating my mind from it; it's a quick fix but it's something nonetheless. Let your emotions out as much as possible, if you feel like you need to cry then do it, or if you need to punch a wall then by all means. The worst thing you can do in at this point is bottle your feelings away, trust me. I have not been "blessed" with the ability to release and time only makes it harder. <br />
<br />
I'm deeply sorry for your loss and if you ever need to talk just send me a message.<br />
<br />