Why Him? Why Us?

What is it like to lose your BEST FRIEND, your SOUL MATE, your EVERYTHING? Your world just comes crashing down,you lose your life,you lose everything that EVER MATTERED to you. My husband was only 36.I am 35.It took me 30 years to find him, and I thought my life FINALLY had meaning. My life finally had what I was searching my WHOLE LIFE for. We had a life together that people only DREAMED of. People would look at us,and say how PERFECT we looked together.People used to say, when they thought of TRUE LOVE,they just pictured the relationship my husband and I had. People used to tell us that looking at us, they knew that TRUE LOVE SOUL MATES really DO exist. All they had to do was look at me and my husband. It was like we were a GREETING CARD for Hallmark for TRUE LOVE SOUL MATES.Our lives were `complete`.


My Husband and I would argue about who loved eachother more.We NEVER argued.We never fought.We never disagreed.We never even raised our voices at eachother. We used to finish eachothers sentences.We knew what the other was thinking before we opened our mouths to say anything.For 5 YEARS!.Some people found that unbelievable, but its true.We KNEW we were SOUL MATES.We would text message eachother, telling eachother how much we missed one another,and couldnt wait to get home.

It was like a day like any other.TIL THAT NIGHT. That night,....changed my life FOREVER. My husband had a MASSIVE HEART ATTACK, right in front of my eyes. I didnt know what was happening,and didnt know what to do.I KNEW CPR but wasnt able to do it, I didnt know he was DYING.I didnt know what was happening. He didnt talk to me, he didnt answer me, he didnt breathe. But I didnt see it, I thought he was going to be OK.I called 911,and thought when the Paramedics got there,they would FIX HIM.That everything was going to be OK. BUT IT WASNT. They couldnt fix him,they couldnt revive him,they couldnt save him.                                             My life ended that night.I lost my best friend,my soulmate,my everything.I live with the GUILT.I will FOREVER.       Why HIM? Why US?

LibertyBell LibertyBell
36-40, F
28 Responses Mar 2, 2009

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Wow. No one can FULLY understand each individuals grief completely. We are from all different circumstances, out of our control. But sadly, it is these deaths that bring us grieving widows together. Giving us eachothers' personal survival skills of how to get through this.How to find reason to keep going on with life. Giving us eachothers strengths, but helping each other during our weakest of times. Will we survive this? Not sure,but I'm going to fight with all I got to not give up. Keep your memories alive. It's all we got left.

Wow. No one can FULLY understand each individuals grief completely. We are from all different circumstances, out of our control. But sadly, it is these deaths that bring us grieving widows together. Giving us eachothers' personal survival skills of how to get through this.How to find reason to keep going on with life. Giving us eachothers strengths, but helping each other during our weakest of times. Will we survive this? Not sure,but I'm going to fight with all I got to not give up. Keep your memories alive. It's all we got left.

My husband and I were married for 15 years. He had been on medical leave from work due to back problems. I took a leave the week he died to be home to help him because he was having trouble with just basic care due to his pain. He wanted to go lay down that morning in bed and so I went to help him in the room. He collapsed trying to get in bed. I tried cpd and when the paramedics got here they worked on him too but he died anyway. He was 37 and I remember asking Jesus not to take him from me but he died. I remember he looked at me and had tears rolling down his face but he couldn't speak. I understand your guilt. I have it too. He was my everything and now he's gone. There are times I cant breathe and people say it will get better but I still can't see it. We worked together. We did everything together. I still ask why him, why us?

My husband of 14 years died right in front of me as well. He was fine...we were talking. The he closed his eyes and drew his final breath...like someone blew out a candle. He was gone. I knew that instant. While I did CPR, while I screamed for help. While I sat in the ambulance as they did CPR and intubated him...he was gone. I kept thinking to myself "this isn't happening".
But he Is gone....5 months, 13 days and 7 hours ago. ♥ forever his ♡

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 17 years on April 8th 2012. We were hanging a door in our bedroom. Jim had asthma, and he paused to use his brand new inhaler (the one that was supposed to be 'better' than the Primatene mist he had been using). He continued to have trouble breathing and it got worse. Then he collapsed on the kitchen floor and was gone. Right after it happened, someone came up to me at church and said, "I know exactly what you're goiing through; we just lost my brother..." It occurred to me that nobody can ever say, "I know exactly what you're going through," because we're all unique, and so are our situations. Jim and I had the kind of relationship you're describing: Right from the start, we were able to finish each other's sentences, sometimes we even voiced each other's thoughts before the other person even started to talk. Even when we weren't together we were together. We felt each other's feelings, and we loved. Losing him has been like losing half of myself. The future holds no allure for me. Why did he get to go and why do I have to stay? What am I supposed to do now?<br />
<br />
Since he died, I've become so conscious of moving forward through time. It's only been four months, but I've begun to think, "If Jim came through the door right now, would it be the same?" I was startled and chagrined to think it wouldn't. I started to go through the house and began clearing out some of his things, then stopped because I just couldn't sweep him out of my life like that. I want his things around me. Our hopes and dreams and plans for the future. I still have them, but he won't be here to share them, and I doubt I'll be able to pursue them now, anyway, but I can't give them up. I don't look forward to the day when I look around me and it's almost as if he never existed. I just don't want to go there.<br />
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I fell apart a bit the last couple of months. In one respect, I feel so incredibly alone. At the same time, I'm glad to be so alone. I've had four months of intense grieving and there's nobody wanting to try to 'help' me. Nobody urging me to go somewhere or do something or what to think. For the first time in my life, I'm free to feel my own feelings, as painful as they are. Some time ago, I saw a poster in a Christian bookstore. It showed a pair of thick-fingered, calloused, hard-working hands with dirt in the folds of skin and under the fingernails. They were cupped, and in the cup sat a young bird. The little bird was unafraid and snuggled down as if there was nowhere else for him to be. I put myself there, and it seems to have helped. I/we're faced with a situation that cannot be changed. No matter what I do, Jim will still be gone. Nothing will bring him back. I still can't get my mind around that fact. In another sense, he's not really gone, because he's part of me and always will be. I don't really believe he's dead -- it's only his body that died. Sometimes I think I feel him; sometimes I can't. I still talk to him all the time.<br />
<br />
All I can do is accept this situation I'm in. Stop struggling to change it -- or anything. This is part of my life. All I can do is live it. I don't know if anything I've said helps any of you here, but I hope it does, just a little.

I am sorry for all lost i know true love does exists i had the pleasure like u of having it i met tony at 15 married him at 18 we where in love on march 8 2012 he had a heart attack we was married 29 years he was my only boyfriend husband best friend i am still in shock he was 44 and i an 43 like u cant picture my life without love of my life sometimes it hurts to breath every time i read a story i realize i am not a lone i wish they could make something to stop death

My situation was similar. I found my husband in our bedroom in the morning. He was already gone, he had been for a couple of hours. I awoke at 2am, should have checked on him,but since his surgery, his sleeping habits were odd,so i slept in another room. I blamed myself,YOU CAN'T do that!!! It will destroy you. My husband was gone before he even hit the floor. You have to beleive for what ever reason, it is how it is suppose to be. DO NOT DWELL, We were together for 23 years. He was my world, my life,my friend. My world has been shaken. This happened on 1/30/12. Our daughter turned 21 on 1/29/12. David was taken by god because he was an awsome person. He never met a stranger, only people that had not become friends yet. He was AMAZING. I now live every day for him. I share my story every chance I get, because it helps. I wish you only peace in your life, your husband does aswell.

I know exactly how you are feeling my husband passed, jan 6, 2012, married 28 yrs, been together 31, he was definately my soulmate, he had lung cancer, half his lung removed, he was in remission 5 yrs, he had congenital heart failure, I woke up on the 6th, he was standing in the living room, I asked him if he was ok, he told me he was, I went back to bed, when I woke up I found he had passed in his recliner, I feel so guilty for going back to bed, I never imagined my life without him and its hard to wake up everyday with him not here, if not for my kids and grandkids, I would totally be falling apart, my husband was only 49, life as I knew it has changed forever, took me 2 wks just to go to the mailbox, I know now he would want me to go on and im trying, to keep things together for him, I want him to be proud of me and I know he is, im still not sure how to cope myself, im dealing with it the best way I know how, just talk to friends, family, keep them close, they will help you through this, sending hugs and prayers your way

I'm sorry for your loss. Last tuesday Aug 2nd I lost my soulmate too. we were together for almost 4 years. We are both 38. I waited my whole life for the kind of love we shared and then it was snatched away from me. We too knew what the other was thinking. And we would call and text eachother about how we missed eachother during the day. We would say how we still gave eachother butterflies just knowing the other was coming home from work, the store whatever. He got an infection on his heart valve in Jan of this year and had open heart surgery. Then they don't know if they didn't get it all the first time or it came back but he had to have another one on July 21. But he didn't come out of this one. They put him on an ecmo heart and lung machine in an induced coma in hopes that his heart would get stronger and he'd pull through, but he didn't. I went to that hospital everyday for 12 days and sat by his bedside talking to him willing him to live, but his body started shutting down and then we had to let him go. I was in the room with him with the rest of his family as he went to Heaven, watching him as he took his last breath. I am so heartbroken. How am I supposed to go on without him. He was my everything. We shared everything in our daily lives. Everyone said we were a storybook romance too. I see other couples who fight and say they hate eachother and I don't understand why when we loved so much and knew we couldn't never live without the other why this happened. I hate my life now. I wanted to go with him, but I knew that that would hurt him to know that his death did that to me so I have no choice but to live without him. i have really bad anxiety and I cry all the time. I miss his voice his face..his love. God how I miss my Michael so much. He will ALWAYS BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. AND I WILL ALWAYS BE HIS BABYDOLL. That's what he always called me and he treated like one too.

well i did the math, and apparently you were looking since you were five? Sorry for your loss, but let me tell you a few things about widowhood, marriage, and being around for your 40th anniversary...maybe you will feel blessed that it was better to have love that ended on a high note than to have had love that ended on a very low tone of almost non existence. i was like you at least fifteen years ago, feeling like I had a life mate, not a best friend, soul mate.....but that we were going to be the same forever....well it doesn't happen like that....the longer the marriage, the worse the turn of events....you weather things together that are hard on you both, you won't deal with it the same way, they will go one way and you another...no two people greive alike, and no two people love alike....men when they reach, oh about 45, start to change drastically....and not for the better.....they become sullen and many times seem to draw inward...while we women just want to love like we did years ago.....we don't want it to change, but sadly it does....I used to see widows who were married for 50 years and wondered, what keeps them moving, how can they come outside and work in their flower beds when they just buried their husband of fifty years, they seem happy.....what was that all about? In my twenties and thirties and even forties, I couldnt imagine getting back to life so soon after my husband passed away, yet I saw this time and again.....Within the last few years, I have realized that these women were happy as clams that they were alone...their husbands had turned into people they hardly knew anymore, the love was gone, romance poof! the excitement left and so did the marriage...what they had was a complaining, whining old goat that made their life hell......cheer up all you widows who was still in love when the love ended.....you have something to look back on and say, I would rather have loved strongly and deeply than to have loved so long that it became stale and we ended up hating one another....maybe this is not the normal way to view love and widowhood, but honestly, this is my true opinion of what i have seen through the years, and I don't mean to make light of it, but the truth is the truth.....sorry again for your loss

I am so sorry for your loss. When I read these stories, I am reminded that time is precious and we should appreciate every second we have with our loved ones. I am married to a wonderful man and I consider him my soulmate, even though we don't always see eye to eye, and we argue (and sometimes over the dumbest things)...so when I read about the sudden loss of a loved one, I feel I need to remind myself, this could be the last moment are those the things you want to send your loved one with? My heart is with all of you who have lost a loved one.

People still ask me if I ever sought counseling or a support group to help me through the loss of my husband. I tell them about EP. I have found such a great foundation of support and advice and have grown so much stronger and found healing here. It has been the best therapy I could ever have gotten. I hope all the widows and widowers that have come here have found the same.

HisAngel2,<br />
Although our circumstances may be slightly different, we can only imagine the pain you are feeling.Everyone here is SO nice,caring,and here to try to help eachother get through this terrible time.Life is not fair.Sometimes you will feel very alone,and have no one who understands how you are feeling on the INSIDE.Thats why WE are here,to be someone who can relate,and try to help eachother get through this.<br />
Eventhough our friends and family are there for us, they just DONT understand, as much as someone on here who is going through the same situation would. We are all unsure where to turn,who to talk to, what to do next.But at least on here,I can get advice,or even support,from someone who understands just that LITTLE bit MORE.

I lost my precious husband on Nov 1st-we were making love and a blood vessel broke in his brain and he bled out. I knew I lost him before the ambulance got here. He had stopped responding to me. I miss him so much. We were so happy together. We too never had a cross word between us. We had been together 12 years almost to the day he died. After years of bad relationships, I knew what love was really all about. We laughed everyday--even when bad stuff was happening. It is so hard having been so happy to being so sad all the time. I'm mostly ok during the day but coming home to a closed garage door and a dark house just sucks. I am very blessed to have friends and family who support me but they too suffered a loss and I can't handle their pain as well. I am thankful to God for allowing me to have him in my life, for being able to experience what true love feels like. I deserve nothing less. But oh, God--I miss him so much

awww, i'm so sorry! you shouldn't feel guilty, you did not know he was dying... nothing i can say...<br />
xxx i am very sympathetic

Your experience is so similar to mine. Too much and too little. My husband and I had only met 6 years before he passed. I am not belittling other widows pain but when you have such little time together it seems doubly unfair. Something hit me the other day. I have now been a widow longer than the days we spent together. That does make it hard for us young ones. Anyhow just want you to know that my relationship was very much like yours. Very unbelievable that is. Some people do not understand about soul mates and perfect partners. It does exist as you know. My way of looking at our short time together is that I am still the luckiest girl in the world. I had 6 years of experiencing my life with the most wonderful human being that ever lived. I have known so many people in my lifetime who never have and never will experience this. Every minute with my husband was special whether there had been 1year or 100. I have come to terms now that I will never get the other half of me back and I definitely will never be the same person again. Never could be the same person again. This is one of the hardest things to do, to readjust. I thought I would get my whole self back eventually. I am now at peace with the fact that I never will so I have had to learn to build on the half of me that is left. I leave you in saying that please do not have any expectations of yourself right now or listen to anyone elses. The should've, would've and could've will always be there. ALWAYS. We just have to learn that they are not the truth and to divert away from them as best we can. My thoughts are with you, remember and make the most of those memories.

We know how hard it is.Losing that someone who meant the world to you.It does help reading others stories,getting advice from others,and even chatting,making new friends. We are here for eachother,when you need someone.We know we cant replace them,no one can, but we can be an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on. Take care everyone.

i just want to thank you all for sharing on this site,i may not write on it often but just reading all the comments helps me so much,losing kev just 7 weeks ago i am still very much in the grieving process,and sometimes i am ok other times it is all so overwhealming for me,please everyone keep sending advise to each other because it helps many more than just the person you are in contact directly with,with thanks tessa xx

THANKYOU for the new comments.Its so nice to get advice from others. With thoughts,and feelings to help me get through this time. Its been over 3 months since my husbands death, and it hurts SO much still. Nights are hardest.Sleeping alone.Well,I have our dog and pets. Thank goodness, they are keeping me alive.Friends have stopped calling, just the closer few keep in touch most. Life just isnt the same.I lost my best friend.I DO talk to him (out loud to his spirit), but I feel like he's no longer listening.Feeling his "presence" has gone now.Ive never felt so alone.Id do ANYTHING to have even his GHOST around me.I know his death isnt my fault people say,but I think i will ALWAYS blame myself in some way.I was the LAST one with him,I watched him DIE! I hate myself,I want to die too.I want to be with him again. 5 Years isnt the LIFETIME we were going to spend together.THat wasnt the plan.The plan was to grow OLD together...not THIS! I need him.I have a LOT of health problems, and he was my "CURE".He HEALED me.Just by LOVE.Thats all i needed. Now hes gone.Im sicker,and in more and more pain. My chronic pain is worse. Im hurting SO much mentally and physically everyday.<br />
I'm sorry for everyone else's losses,I KNOW it hurts. I wish there was NO such thing as PAIN or DEATH.It would make life a LOT easier.Thankyou for reading this.

Today is my husband's 56 birthday. I too had him die in my arms on 12/4/11. The horror didn't stop there, I watched him die a second time in the hospital. I can say with honesty that I do know what you are going through right now. We were together 30 years, and we did fuss and fight, but we also loved and took care of each other. Now as you say, there's nothing except an emptiness and anger. God is supposed to give you what you can handle, but I'm afraid that there was a mistake this time. I can't stand life as it is now, and if the pain is all that we have left then I do agree that it's not worth going on with life. You can prolong life and something worth living or sometimes we inadvertently prolong a death when the quality has left the existence. I'm so sorry for you, but please know that you aren't alone in the way you feel.

I too am a young widow, only being together for 5yrs. I feel your pain. Please don't feel guilty. You did all that you could do. I watched my husband die in intensive care and there was nothing I could do either. I cry everyday, pray, talk to him and try to take one step in front of the other. Others who have wrote on this have some wonderful advice for you (and me!). This road is so hard to travel, but travel it we must. For our spouses, ourselves and for the ones that love us, including God if you believe. I lost my love February 25, 2009 and am still grappling with so many emotions. Keep talking to people over this because it does have some healing powers. My heart goes out to you.

It was not your fault that he died, remember that. <br />
It is hard to find words, but i will say to you that you and him had 5 wonderful years, he was happy with you, he found his soul mate in you. He was lucky finding you. <br />
You will meet new people, new friends, and i hope that one day you will find love again. <br />
I hope that my scrabble have a meaning to you. My English vocabulary is not good for expressing my thoughts.

WOW! Thankyou. Thanks for EVERYONES wonderful comments and advice.Its nice to know there are others who have or are going through what I am going through.It really helps with healing. Its nice to know that even people on here are total strangers,we are all here for the same reason, to help eachother, to speak our minds, to help heal,even to make a friend. Everyone is SO nice.Thankyou.

Your story really touched me and rang so true to me. My husband died suddenly 11 mths ago. We were married for 23 yrs. We too were soul mates, called each other whenever apart, quarreled very little and if we did, we never went to bed mad at each other. People would say to us that we looked like we just got married. Our tastes and opinions were the same. We TOO finished each other's sentences. We had a great life and were madly in love up until the world was no longer a backdrop for my supportive/supporting & fulfilled world...still left with so many dreams on the table. Now, a barren landscape, where I just seem to see couples, holding hands, or old people helping each other get around. I thought I'd be that way..old, gray, wrinkled & totally content. So grateful for having found my other half. Yes, people say it changes & we won't always feel this way. A new life will form. I can't see it from where I am. I see something & want to comment out loud, only to be reminded of the awful truth that he is not there to just listen . The only person who EVER KNEW the real me. It was like someone played a cruel joke on me and snapped him away in the middle of the night. When we lose our parent(s), we lose our past. When we lose a spouse, we lose our present. You know, not only did our husbands die that fateful/horrible day, but WE DIED TOO. Changed forever. I feel deeply for you and wish for you what I can only dream of..that one day, my heart will feel some sense of being HOME again...with a soft place to fall. In your heart he'll always stay forever young. WE WERE TRULY LOVED.

Well said Gary.

THANKYOU FOR EVERYONE'S WONDERFUL AND THOUGHTFUL COMMENTS AND ADVICE.I will use them wisely. I know my husband would want me to be happy again,and to carry on in life,and perhaps love again eventually. Being on here EP, its helping me heal. Getting wonderful advice from people who have been where I am, and even people who havent. The support is comforting. Its nice to know theres still people in this world who CARE. THANKYOU EVERYONE.

So very sorry for your loss. It is hard to realise that we do go on with life. Surround yourself with people who love you.<br />
Sending best wishes, Debby

Hey, <br />
Don't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. Life happens. Nothing you can do will stop it. It has rules to follow. It's not fair. It rarely is. <br />
You only have brief moments in time to live and enjoy. Your loved one loved you so much. Live up to that love and keep living for that love. Love is ongoing, eternal and NEVER dies.<br />
Everyone who loves truly has perfect love.How you use it and respond to it shows its strength in you. <br />
How strong are you.Show him. Show God. Show all of those people who looked up to you both.<br />
Life changes day to day and we all have to learn to adapt. <br />
For animals its just instinct and daily life. For people it is the lifeblood of our souls.<br />
Grieve for your loss with all of your heart and move forward. Talk to those who have had similar experiences.It will do you good. You are not alone. You are not the only one who had a perfect love taken from you. Talk to us here in the widow and widowers world. We can help you overcome as you help us. <br />
Cry with us, laugh with us, love with us.<br />
We are young and old and everything in between. Some of us have God and some of us don't, but we all have had a perfect love.<br />
Make him happy wherever you and he are. You know him so well, what would he say to you now.