6 Months Without My Wife

Wednesday night will be the 6 month anniversary of the death of my wife. For the most part  I think I am handling it the best I can. I went out last night to see the ballet folklorico de mexico, and it was a great show, with fantastic costumes and music and dancing. I went alone; I had seen them perform 15 years ago in Colima and I figured it would be a good experience. It was the first time I went out to any live event since she died. I figured there would be some tears, and there were a few. She would have loved it.  Later that night when I was telling her about it ( I talk to her every night), I broke down into this huge ugly cry, the kind with wracking sobs and wailing and snot dripping, that just wears you out and leaves me with plugged sinuses and ruins any chance of getting to sleep. I thought I was done with that hard part. So much for my progressing to the 'gentle tears' stage.

This morning I went for breakfast at one of our favorite diners, it was our first favorite place when we moved here, so we had been going there for about 10 years. A very good man who lost his wife 7 years ago told me that you have to do everything you used to do with your wife, and go everywhere you used to go together, 3 times. Just to get beyond the emotional pain tied to the places and events. Then you have to go a 4th time to find out if its something that you would like to continue doing as a single person. So I went this morning and had more tears. Seriously I thought I was past that level of pain. I was kind of embarrassed cause i had been telling people how well I have been doing. Usually when I'm out in public and I have tears my attitude to others is is "If my tears bother you then f*** you". But today I was turning my head to the wall.

People say that it takes years to get over this. I guess I'm just fooling myself when i think that i can get over the loss and stop feeling pain in just 6 months. I know I will never get over the loss, but I would so much like to be done with the pain. Oh God it just hurts so bad sometimes. 

mergelayers mergelayers
51-55, M
5 Responses Feb 21, 2010

My heart goes out to you as you join us on this nightmare journey that is grief, I still miss my husband everyday and love him as much as I did yesterday and tomorrow I will love him as much as I do today. You are so brave going back to the places you use to love together cause I avoid them like the plague. One thing I have discovered is to let the waves come. I tried to suck it up and be strong for my children who are 7 & 5 only to fall apart 12mths later. Now when these waves of sadness hit and they do come out of no where I let it wash over me I cry do whatever it takes to ride it out, until it disapears until next time. There is aways a next time, time does'nt heal but the intensity of the pain does ease. <br />
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Lean on those around you that love you and talk, talk, talk don't do what I did and bottle everything up until you explode, I did and the explosion was.nt pretty lol. You are in my thoughts.

Hello again. Its a slow afternoon so I'm playing hooky. That means moving over from my work laptop to my PC. I took a look at the Thanksgiving Tower - very impressive! Thats a huge project. I hope his art around the house is a comfort to you.<br />
Having your own business sounds good to me. I always imagine that I would sit back with my feet up on the desk and collect money while others worked for me. Is that how it works for you?<br />
Seriously I couldn't do it. I went thru a spell about 15 yrs ago where I worked 14 hour days trying to get a project off the ground, and it damn near wrecked my marriage. Leah was so mad at me. I don't ever want to work that hard again (although in this economy, who knows what will happen).<br />
Stay happy,

I make signs. My husband was a graphic designer of signs. He was brilliant at it. And even though he taught me, I'm no where near so good. My youngest sister is studying graphic design and has since become my designer at my shop. She's well on her way.<br />
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Every see the Thanksgiving Tower neon in Dallas? My husband designed that. Also many national accounts before he set out on his own. He had his degree as an MFA. my house is full of his art.

Thank you. I am feeling better now. It is good to let this stuff out. My neighbors had a surprise birthday party for me this afternoon - that helped a lot. Red velvet cake, bottle of wine and a gift certificate to a local restaurant. for now I will turn off the pity party and not complain about not having anyone to dine out with, and instead be grateful for my neighbors, who along with my parents ( who have been amazing) and a few surprising angels from work have helped me survive this loss. I don't know how you do it with kids ( you have great looking kids) - it is so hard just to take care of myself. I will make the same offer to you - any time you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen, I am here.<br />
Are you in the graphic arts biz? My wife was a typesetter and worked with lots of graphic artists in her day.<br />
You take care,

I know how you feel. It's been almost three years for me, and although I don't have so many times of wracking sobs as I used to... I still do, even now. I go to his grave and cry like that when I have a problem I can't see a solution to. It's where I go. I sit at my shop sometimes we started our business together and I will sit alone and cry for missing him.<br />
Even though I am moving on, I still have moments when I just have to break down and cry. So don't worry, you are doing just fine. I will be here if you ever need to cry with someone.