Still Widowed

I've been looking at flower & vegetable catalogs lately, since i've decided I want to have lots of flowers this year.  I also  keep a file of interesting plants that I have cut from newspapers & magazines, and I get a lot of comfort out of browsing these.   I had made plans for the front garden, and my wife's sun garden in the back, but I was bringing in some groceries yesterday and looked down at the spot just outside the back door where my wife always planted a small patch of flowers every year, and it was like being kicked in the chest - it just happened so fast. i hadn't thought about that spot, becasue it was something she always planned entirely on her own. 

So here comes another round of tears. Saturdays have been so hard lately.  Its not like I want to dwell on the negative all the time, its just that those are the strongest feelings I'm having, and its like I have to share them here just to get past them (truth be known, also its a way of fishing for comforting comments when I'm down). I'll try to remember to post it here next time I have a happy memory, because I do occasionally have those moments when i know Leah would be fall-down-laughing at something I did. I can be hilariously stupid sometimes. I suspect it would be good for my mental health to share that too. we dont always have to fill these pages with pain, do we?

 For those of you counting (alright, so I'm the only one), I am up to 3 days in a row without tears. Still hoping to make it to 1 week soon, and then i'll think about 2 weeks, and then i'll probably bore you with my guilt feelings. I suppose I'll get kicked off this island before I learn that i don't get to call the shots, that none of us do, and that none of us ever will,

mergelayers mergelayers
51-55, M
Feb 28, 2010