How Can I Explain

Am supposed to be preparing to talk about my wife to the grief group so of course I am on EP instead. I want to share how special she was. It seems like a very hard thing to put together at this stage. She liked to drive fast - like 95 mph. she had a natural backhand. She loved Biltmore Gardens. It always took me a while to figure out when she was teasing me. She was a Buddhist monk in her 20s. she liked to sing. she once took a belly dancing class and the recital blew my socks off. We loved to watch Project Runway together. I can put a list together as long as your arm, but it just seems like every fact misleads you more. and I actually want to talk about US more than I want to talk about HER.

mergelayers mergelayers
51-55, M
7 Responses Mar 14, 2010

What a beautiful person you had in your life.<br />
I am so sorry for your loss.

I still miss him everyday, but for me it's watching my kids hurting my youngest daughter is starting to make up memories of the things she and daddy did together she was 2 when he was killed and as they get older as their understanding changes they go through new stages of grief. Then there are all the things he is missing, the first day of school etc.<br />
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He was my soulmate and best friend, so yeah I'm still having trouble dealing with it all, all I can do is keep ploding along and takeing each day as it comes. He lives on in my children who are now 5 & 7 but god it's hard doing it alone.

Thank you stillgrieving. I don't know what I believe. I have dreamed that she has moved on into her next incarnation, yet I also dream (and feel) that she is still with me on occasion. Logically its hard to reconcile both feelings, so I try not to think logically about it. I see you lost your husband, your avatar name says so much about you. Does the grieving really last so long? It seems so unfair that we should have to hurt for years. I wish you peace and comfort....

She is watching and listening, I truely believe they are still with us, my hubby was never a hearts and flowers type of man but I never once questioned his love for us. He showed in a thousand different ways, as I'm sure your wife knew and I'm sure you showed her in a thousand different ways too.<br />
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She knew and still knows how much you love her just as you have shown all of us with this beautiful tribute to her. I understand your pain and wish I had the magic words to take all our pain away, all we can do is keep on moving one baby step after another. You are in my thoughts, take special care.

Since you asked :)<br />
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Leah never doubted me and she never let me doubt myself. She took me sufi dancing and she would have these animated conversations with the old guys in the long beards and flowing robes. I never could figure out what to talk about with those guys. On occasion she was given morphine for her kidney stones and she was the sweetest and most hilarious love-child then. When we went camping and put up the tent it was like a Laurel and Hardy episode. She was proud of her thick hair. She liked opera and science fiction. She taught me to play canasta and parcheesi and we would spend hours laying in bed playing canasta in between bouts of snuggling. She knew how to set the clock in the car when the time changed. She was always after me to wear a hat and sunscreen. She always got me the perfect birthday card. She would ask what I want for my birthday and every year I would say just make me a german chocolate cake, but she never did; instead she would buy me a wonderful present we couldn't afford and take me out to dinner. Its sad that I'm so thickheaded I didn't figure out how wonderful this was until after she was gone.<br />
When we were first together and I was so naive, she made chocolate chop cookies once, and I said that they weren't as good as my sisters. Leah never made chocolate chop cookies for me again (33 years) even tho I begged her to. She was more beautiful than I gave her credit for and I was very blessed to have her.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I've never lost a spouse, We lost my brother a few years ago. I know it's hard to put into words how you feel.

She already sounds like an amazing woman. Please do tell us about both of you. I am listening.